Life During Wartime- Pandemic Edition

For the last several weeks, for what should be obvious reasons, the song "Life During Wartime" by Talking Heads- what is widely considered an early New Wave/funk-rock classic- has been playing in my mind.

I've come up with my own new set of lyrics to it, to match our present crisis.  Submitted for your consideration.

Life During Wartime

Music and lyrics by David Byrne et al.: new lyrics by Tom Gill, 3/22/2020

Heard of a van that is loaded with facemasks,
Packed up and ready to go
Heard of some gravesites, out by the highway,
A place where nobody knows

The city’s quiet, the roads deserted,
I'm getting used to it now
Lived in a brownstone, lived in a ghetto,
I've heard they’ve all been locked down

This ain't no party, this ain't no nightclub,
This ain't no fooling around
Too close for dancing, or lovey dovey,
I’m social distancing now

They got some test kits, they swabbed my nostrils
Hope for an answer some day
I got exposed at a couple of places,
You better just stay away.

Down at the Costco, the trucks are loading,
the Charmin big mega roll
I sleep at my jobsite, I work remotely,
I might not ever leave home

This ain't no party, sure ain’t no spring break,
This ain't no fooling around
There ain’t no South By, or no March Madness,
Ain’t got no time for that now

Heard about Wuhan? Heard of that cruise ship?
How many cases today?
You oughta know not to open the window
Somebody sneeze on you there

I got some groceries, some sanitizer,
To last til April or May
But I ain't got no Netflix, ain’t got no Kindle,
Ain't got no X-box to play

Why stay in college? Why go to night school?
Gonna be all taught online
Can't tweet on Twitter, can't send no email,
I ain't got time for that now

State parks are roadblocked, trouble at trailheads,
Trying to keep away crowds
We’re jogging fire roads, we're jumping fencelines,
I know that that ain't allowed

We dress in PJs, we dress like hazmats,
Forego the suit and the tie
I’ve missed my haircuts, so many times now,
I don't know what I look like!

You make me shiver, I feel some fever,
I’d better self-quarantine
Don't get exhausted, is that you coughing?
You might have Covid-19

Bricked all my notebooks, what good’s my Chromebook?
They won't help me survive
My chest is tightening, getting pneumonia,
it tells me I’m still alive

KELLY'S BARREL OBSERVATION

"Empty barrels make the most noise."  
Ascribed for many years as a "Swedish proverb" or "Yiddish insult."  Used multiple times by White House Chief of Staff Gen. John Kelly, as in press briefing on 10/19/17 and in a statement made to Fox News on 9/12/2017.

POWELL'S ADVICE

"Tell me what you know.  Then tell me what you don't know. Then tell me what you think. Always distinguish which is which."- Colin Powell

SHATNER'S LAW

"There's only one problem flying by the seat of your pants.  Sometimes you end up naked." -William Shatner, in TV GUIDE , August 22, 2016

BOND'S LAW

"Once is happenstance, twice is coincidence, three times is enemy action."- James Bond, in GOLDFINGER.

BLOOM'S OBSERVATION

"The greatest invention of humans is peace. The concept of peace has never occurred to bacteria. It's never occurred to chimpanzees. But it has occurred to human beings."- Author Howard Bloom

KNOX'S OBSERVATION and STILLMAN'S ADDENDUM

"Spoiled fruit does not improve with age."- John Knox, Professor, University of Georgia.

But note:

"Spoiled fruit does not improve with age, but sometimes it can turn out to be the base of some powerful liquor."- Robert Stillman

LITTLEWOOD'S LAW VIA McRANEY

"So much happens to us on a daily basis, that we have a million experiences about every 35 days. The idea that something is a one-in-a-million experience means also that it's a once-a-month occurrence."

- David McRaney, author of the book "You Are Not So Smart."  Professor John Edensor Littlewood of Cambridge University decided to apply cold mathematical reasoning to the concept back in 1955.

He assumed that a miracle is a one-in-a-million event. He also surmised the average human will witness one event per second during the eight hours each day when they are fully "alert".

This mean you will witness a million events roughly every 35 days - and the law of averages says one of these will be "miraculous".

Yes, it's little more than a maths joke - and Littlewood did far more - and more important work - in his career until his death at 92 in 1977.

The volume in which its contained - a Mathematicians' Miscellany - is in fact a spritely little book uncovering the fun and occasional wisdom of life gleamed from studying maths at Trinity College, Cambridge.

ARCHER'S ADVICE

"Why put something off until tomorrow, when you can get away with not doing it at all?" - David Allen Archer, December 10, 2014

CALAHAN'S ADVICE

Advice to live by from Patrick Calahan, see his thread on Twitter: 
https://twitter.com/padraig2112/status/979439970107600896

It includes:
If you're simplifying a complex problem, you're likely doing it wrong.
If you're building a complex solution to a simple problem, you're probably also doing it wrong.

If you think you've wrapped your head around a complex problem, you're probably wrong or you're building a solution that already exists.  Go find the one that exists first.  If it's good, use that.  If it's bad, figuring out why it is bad will inform you about the problem domain.

Building things is fun. Building things so that someone else can understand them is hard and not fun. If you are having only fun building things, you're probably building something that other people won't or can't use.  That may be a cool thing, but in practical terms it is junk.

If you are managing some group of people and there is a common problem that only one person can fix, one of three things is true: you are a bad manager, you have an employee who built something only they can understand, which makes them a bad team player, or both.

Everybody is wrong some of the time.  The better you are at something, the less likely it is that you are wrong at any given point, and the probable severity of the wrongness is reduced.

Any group of people who are all experts is less likely to have a group version of the previous problem.  However, when they are collectively wrong, they are likely to be badly wrong.  This is why sanity-checking is important.

Everything you build has to be maintained.  If you don't pay attention to maintenance costs, you are creating a problem for somebody else (also you are bad and you should feel bad.)


"Fast, cheap, and good.  Pick two." is a very common rule of thumb in IT.  What is less common is the acknowledgement that usually focusing on "fast" and "cheap" is often the better idea because everything in IT has an end-date of usefulness.

ELEANOR'S ADMONITION

"It takes as much energy to wish as it does to plan."- Attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt

BEHRMAN'S LAW

"Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean."- Stanley Behrman

https://twitter.com/stanleybehrman/status/387458377875337216?s=20

SILVER'S FIFTH LAW OF THERMODYNAMICS

"Twitter always goes for disarray. That’s like the 5th law of thermodynamics." - Nate Silver

https://fivethirtyeight.com/features/scaramucci-goes-off-the-record/

WILLIS'S LAW

“What can’t possibly happen, happens. And what should be happening, doesn’t. There’s no middle ground.” - Songwriter Allee Willis, who passed away on Christmas Eve 2019:
Allee Willis, ‘September’ and ‘Friends’ Theme Songwriter, Dead at 72

Gazzaniga's Law

"There's nothing worse than a motivated brick." 
- Matt Gazzaniga, the father of cognitive neuroscience, in regard to persons who are highly motivated but have no talent, stated during a radio interview with Ian Punnett on December 10, 2011.

STROMBERG'S OBSERVATION

"Fact: Important work is often done by unpleasant people."-Theo Stromberg, in the novel Last Year by Robert Charles Wilson.

FUGATE'S LAW

"(in Washington), there is no problem so large it can't be solved by another meeting."

-former FEMA administrator Craig Fugate, on the Wx Geeks Podcast 6/20/2018

HOGUE'S LAW

"When you flush a toilet, the loudest noise is the final gurgle."- author John Hogue,  Aug. 1, 2012

WEINER'S LAW AND HARFORD'S COROLLARY

Earl Wiener, a cult figure in aviation safety, coined what is known as Wiener’s Laws of aviation and human error. One of them was: “Digital devices tune out small errors while creating opportunities for large errors.” We might rephrase it as: “Automation will routinely tidy up ordinary messes, but occasionally create an extraordinary mess.” It is an insight that applies far beyond aviation.  

- from an article by Tim Harford in The Guardian (Oct. 11, 2016)

Harford's Corollary: A computer that is a hundred times more accurate than a human, and a million times faster, will make 10,000 times as many mistakes.  (Tim Harford, author of article)

______________________________________________________________________

Thomas E. Gill, Ph.D., P.G.

Professor of Geological Sciences and Environmental Science & Engineering

University of Texas, El Paso- Geological Sciences Building 401A

591 W. University Avenue

El Paso, TX 79968-0555

tel. 915 747 5168

email tegill@utep.edu

Professional URL: http://www.geo.utep.edu/pub/gill

Personal URL: http://about.me/tom.gill

________________________________________

From: Gill, Thomas E.

Sent: Sunday, October 30, 2016 11:14 AM

To: Gill, Thomas E.

Subject: Weiner's Law of Aviation Safety

ARTHUR C. CLARKE'S FIRST LAW

When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.- Arthur C. Clarke

What Am I Missing?

There is a local attorney who is quite aggressive in advertising his web site, "Hit By A Truck, Call Chuck, dot com"

I'm wondering what is next. What am I missing here?

Hit By A Plane, Call Jane?

Hit By A Tram, Call Sam?

Hit By A Canoe, Call Stu?

Hit By A Barge, Call Marge?

Hit By A Van, Call Stan?

Hit By A Bus, Call Gus?

Hit By A Dolly, Call Rollie?

Hit By A Skiff, Call Biff?

Hit By A Tank, Call Frank?

Hit By A Trailer, Call Taylor?

Hit By A Ferry, Call Kerry?

Hit By A Ship, Call Rip?

Hit By A Tug, Call Doug?

Hit By A Trolley, Call Dolly?

Hit By A Cart, Call Bart?

Hit By A Scooter, Call Cooter?

Hit By A Bike, Call Mike?

Hit By A Ski, Call Lee?

Hit By A Raft, Call Taft?

Hit By A Subway, Call Sunay?

Hit By A Jet-Ski, Call Betsy?

Hit By A Yacht, Call Dot?

Hit By A Tube, Call Rube?

Hit By A Taxi, Call Maxie?

Hit By A Chariot, Call Harriet?

Hit By A Wheel, Call Neil?

Hit By A Sled, Call Fred?

Hit By A Sleigh, Call Ray?

Hit By A Surrey, Call Murray?

Hit By A Jet, Call Chet?

HERSCH'S LAW OF THE INTENSIVE CARE UNIT

"In the intensive care unit, good things happen slowly.   Bad things happen fast." [Told to him by a doctor, became the title of a book] Good Things Happen Slowly: A Life In and Out of Jazz, by Fred Hersch

MEAD'S LAW AND BRAKEY'S ADDENDUM

Mead’s Law: “Never doubt that a few committed individuals can change the world. In fact, it is the only thing that ever has.”-  Margaret Mead

Brakey’s Addendum to Mead’s Law: “A few committed citizens can change the world.  But if you turn them into a committee, we’re screwed.”- John Brakey

BUCKLEY'S COROLLARY TO HINCHCLIFFE'S RULE AND MURPHY'S LAW

"...attempts to weaponize Hinchliffe's Rule (by writing titles where "no" would be the fun answer) are doomed to fail, just like you can't take advantage of Murphy's Law by relying on something not working. If you try such shenanigans, it will fail to fail."
- Rutgers University theoretical physicist Matthew Buckley, in the Tweet:
https://twitter.com/physicsmatt/status/1185624901467754496?s=20

HINCHCLIFFE'S RULE (and PEON'S PURPORTED PARADOX), and BETTERIDGE'S LAW

"If a physics paper has a question mark in the title, the answer is no."
(From a Tweet by theoretical physicist Matthew Buckley, in response to a story titled, "Can scientists reverse time with a quantum computer?)
https://twitter.com/physicsmatt/status/1185621012706222083?s=20

This is derived from Betteridge's Law of Headlines, which stipulates that "Any headline that ends in a question mark can be answered by the word no." Cook and Plourde (2016) explain that "When applied to the titles of academic publication, the assertion is referred to as Hinchcliffe's Rule." According to Holderness (2014), this was attributed to British physicist Ian Hinchcliffe. However, Peon (1995) asked, "Is Hinchliffe's rule true?," which allegedly demonstrates that Hinchcliffe's rule is false- but only if it is true, as discussed by Boswell (2017). The entire topic is discussed and Peon's purported paradox is deconstructed by Shieber (2015).

Boswell, D.W., 2017. The owl of Minerva: Governing technology in the quest for sustainability.  Ph.D. dissertation, University of Tasmania.
Cook, J.M., and Plourde, D., 2016. Do scholars follow Betteridge's Law? The use of questions in journal article titles. Scientometrics 108(3):1119-1128.
Holderness, M., 2014. Feedback.  New Scientist 223 (2982):48.
Peon, B., 1995. Is Hinchcliffe's Rule True?  New Scientist, 16 August 2014.
Shieber, S.M., 2015.  Is This Article Consistent with Hinchcliffe's Rule? Annals of Improbable Research 21(3):18-19.

LEGGETT'S LAW

90% of the Internet is people who don't know anything having their questions answered by (other) people who don't know anything.

-From a Tweet by Mark Leggett:
https://twitter.com/markleggett/status/448222076151681024?s=20

HOWE'S ADMONITION

"You have two ears and one mouth.  Keep the two open and the one shut."- The late hockey legend Gordie Howe, quoted on NPR's Morning Edition on 6/15/2016.

KASICH'S LAW OF POLITICS

"People like you to stick to your principles... until it's a principle they don't like."- Ohio Governor and Presidential candidate John Kasich, on MSNBC's "11th Hour with Brian Williams," Sept. 6, 2016

JESSUP'S LAW OF P.R.

"Don't leave public opinion (of you) up to the public, because you may not like what they have to say or what they think."
-Maggie Jessup, PR consultant and author of the book Fame 101

SAGAN'S ADMONITION

 "They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown."

- Carl Sagan

MOTHER BLUES' LAW

"Any day that you keep your gratitude higher than your expectations is a really good day."- Paraphrased from singer-songwriter Ray Wylie Hubbard, in his song "Mother Blues" from the album "Grifter's Hymnal."

KILGALLEN'S LAW

"Justice is a like a big rug.  When you pull it out from under one man, a lot of others fall too."- Journalist Dorothy Kilgallen, quoted by Mark Shaw, author of The Reporter Who Knew Too Much: The Mysterious Death of What's My Line TV Star and Media Icon Dorothy Kilgallen

TOM GILL'S 98TH LAW

"A long way is even longer when the long way is the wrong way."  

- Tom Gill (3/27/2014)

CLAUDIA'S TRIAD

There are three things you never get back : 1. A word after it's said 2. Time after it's passed 3. Your pen if I really like it

(from Claudia, @bossy_bootz  on Twitter, Feb 18, 2014)

BRAKEY'S LAW

“Never doubt that a few committed individuals can change the world. But if you turn them into a committee, we’re screwed.”- John Brakey

BERRY'S FLUVIAL GOLDEN RULE

Do unto those downstream as you would have those upstream do unto you. -Wendell Berry,  author and environmentalist

THE LAW OF SILENCE

Silence is golden.  Unless you have young children; then, silence is suspicious. 

LYLE LOVETT'S LAW

"Never eat Mexican food east of the Mississippi or north of Dallas."- Lyle Lovett

Corbató's Law

Computer pioneer Fernando Corbató passed away on July 12.  Known as the inventor of the computer password, he also came up with what has long been referred as Corbató's Law:

"The number of lines of code a programmer can write in a fixed period of time is the same, independent of the language used."

GOLDENBERG'S LAW

"Crowds are always big — but they’re not always wise. Sometimes it’s impossible to control which crowds are being sourced."

(David Goldenberg, http://fivethirtyeight.com/features/the-story-behind-the-worst-movie-on-imdb/)

KERR'S LAW

"Professors are a series of individual faculty entrepreneurs held together by a common grievance over parking.”

- former University of California president Clark Kerr 

MURRAY'S LAW

"Nothing makes me want to leave a website more than a pop-up window saying, “Are you sure you want to leave this page."- Bill Murray

AUNT ABBIE'S ADVICE

If the sum of a house's ghosts exceeds the sum of its tenants, sell it.  (From Robert Charles Wilson's novel "Last Year.")

BRAUDE'S LAW

"Intelligence is as much a liability as a virtue: it increases your repertoire of possible errors. it just gives you more ways that you can get in your own way, or screw up."  

-Stephen E. Braude, professor of philosophy at the University of Maryland, Baltimore County. (November 2, 2016)

BOURDAIN'S LAW: Remembering Anthony Bourdain A Year After His Passing

"If the waiter takes ten minutes to describe a dish, and it takes three minutes to eat it, something's really wrong"- the late  great Anthony Bourdain. 
That's what I loved about his show- he appreciated a good plate of drunken noodles from a street vendor, or a really well made toasted cheese sandwich at a neighbourhood dive, as much as the fine dishes from a Michelin Star rated restaurant.

SHATNER'S LAW

"There's only one problem flying by the seat of your pants.  Sometimes you end up naked." -William Shatner, in TV GUIDE 8/22/16

DONAHUE'S LAW

"The coin of our realm is the size of our audience."- Phil Donahue

on CNN, June 25 2017

LOPEZ'S LAW

"The people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on"

-Chloe Lopez, on Twitter, 11/20/2-14

PELTON'S STEPFATHER'S LAW

"Always sell the thing that people want, to the people who have the most money."- Adventurer Robert Young Pelton's stepfather, who was a hydrologist for the government of Saudi Arabia (who had plenty of people looking for oil but a need for, and lack of people exploring for, water).

GILL'S 80TH LAW

"Even a dead gecko sticks." - me

https://www.iflscience.com/plants-and-animals/death-will-not-stop-geckos-sticking-walls/

KERR'S LAW

"Professors are a series of individual faculty entrepreneurs held together by a common grievance over parking.”- former University of California President Clark Kerr.

ADVICE FROM A VERY OLD POSTCARD

"Love many, trust few, always paddle your own canoe."- Found written on an old postcard dated 1909, but it's still great advice today!

LETTERMAN'S LAMENT

"America is a country where people believe the moon landing is fake, but wrestling is real."-  David Letterman, February 1, 2001

POLITICAL EXPLANATIONS

I came up with these four years ago and posted them on social media.   They still are true.

A. “Most cops do not engage in police brutality” is no justification for those who do. Full stop.

B. “Most protesters are peaceful” is no justification for those who engage in violence. Period.

C. “Crimes against (people of a given race or ethnicity) are mostly committed by members of their own race/ethnicity" is not a legitimate response to people committing violence against persons of a different race- OR vice versa.

D. “Most corporations aren’t polluters” is no justification for those who are. End of story.

E. “Most gun owners are responsible” is no justification for impunity for the irresponsible. No if’s or buts about it.

F. None of the above, or their analogs, shall be an allowable explanation of any of the others.

I could go on, but you probably get the picture. No deflection, no excuses. Neither false equivalence, nor false difference. As my momma always told me, “don’t be a yabbit rabbit.” Do. You. Understand?

THE LAW OF DECISIVITY

"The road of life is paved with flat squirrels who couldn't make a decision."- Author unknown

DE VRIES' LAW AND CROTTY'S REJOINDER

DeVries' Law: Everybody needs an editor.  (Lloyd De Vries)

Crotty's Rejoinder to DeVries' Law: Every editor needs a proofreader, too, maybe two.  (David Crotty)

(The Philatelic Communicator, Vol. 49, 4th Quarter 2015, page 3)

ROBINSON'S RULE

"Ideology is like breath: you never smell your own."- economist Joan Robinson, quoted by Stephen Pinker: https://twitter.com/sapinker/status/563353225449832449

SHIFFMAN'S LAW

"Effectively thinking outside of the box requires some knowledge of where the box's boundaries are and why they are there."- Dr. David Shiffman

https://twitter.com/WhySharksMatter/status/661937884254089216

McRANEY'S LAW

McRANEY'S LAW: People don't know themselves very well.  Rather, they know their opinions of themselves very well.  (David McRaney, author of the book, "You Are Not So Smart")

THIEME'S LAWS

"Even if you know that 95% of a story is true, but you have to know which 95% it is in order to have the keys to the code." - Anonymous NSA agent, quoted by author Richard Thieme.

Corollary: "Fiction is the only way you can tell the truth, sometimes."

"When you think you have an original idea or see something brand new, just publicize it.  You'll find out that a million other people have already had it." - author Richard Thieme.

LEARY'S LAW

"You never get the truth from the company memo."- Attributed to Timothy Leary, quoted by author Richard Thieme.

BASEBALL MEMORIES

On this first weekend of the Major League Baseball season, I think back to when I was a kid. I spent several summers at a summer camp for kids with various types of (dis)abilities. Of course, there was baseball. I was a living argument for the designated hitter. I was, honestly, a great hitter: great hand-eye coordination, and a powerful swing. I batted third and almost always made a hit, usually a home run; even though I couldn't walk very well, I "hit'em where they ain't." When I didn't hit a homer, I even stole a few bases standing up, because no one paid any attention to me on the basepath because I was no running threat. Eventually I became a problem because I kept hitting the ball into the creek beyond the outfield.

But, due to my physical disability, I couldn't really play defense. With an extremely weird setup, I could (and did) catch, which is cool, because I always have had kind of the march-to-my-own-drummer mindset of a catcher.

Except for one game, when the coach of my team decided to put me at third base. The VERY FIRST batter BUNTED the ball down the third-base line straight at me. I fell flat on my face fielding the ball, then threw it wildly way over the first baseman's head and down the right field line. As of the next batter, I was back behind the plate.

NESSEN'S LAW

"Nobody believes the official spokesman but everybody trusts an unidentified source."- former USA White House Press Secretary Ron Nessen

PARRY'S LAW

Strong and wrong beats weak and right.- Edward Abbott Parry, 1912. (Often quoted about political campaigns)

LEWIS'S LAW OF PERSPECTIVE

"To a man on a mountain road by night, a glimpse of the next three feet of road matters more than a vision of the horizon."- C.S. Lewis

BIDEN'S LAW

"Don't tell me what you value. Show me your budget, and I'll tell you what you value.”  
- Joe Biden, March 2015, in a @JoeBiden tweet

GILL'S 83RD LAW

There are two kinds of people in this world. One, who complain that covers of classic songs by other bands aren't faithful to the original. The other kind, those who complain that covers of classic songs by other bands are too faithful to the original.

PELTON'S LAW

"Local delicacy" generally means, "let's see if the dumb foreigner will eat this."

-Explorer Robert Young Pelton

ROSSER'S LAW

"It's not fun when the meteorologist calls out your road by name."


(Aaron Rosser, arosser14 on Twitter, 4/19/15) 

https://twitter.com/ARosser14/status/589821181458419712

RULES FOR CATS

This is one of those "things" that has been going around the Internet, content essentially unchanged, since at least the mid- 1990s.

DOORS:
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.

CHAIRS and RUGS:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.

BATHROOMS:
Always accompany humans to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.

HAMPERING:
If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering:

a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.

d) For humans paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -- to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.

e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

WALKING:
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

BEDTIME:
Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around. 

PLAY:
This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed several favorite cat games that you can play. It is important though to maintain one's Dignity at all times. If you should have an accident during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to say "I MEANT to do that!" It fools those humans every time.

CAT GAMES:
"Catch Mouse":

The humans would have you believe that those lumps under the covers are their feet and hands. They are lying. They are actually Bed Mice, rumored to be the most delicious of all the mice in the world, though no cat has ever been able to catch one. Rumor also has it that only the most ferocious attack can stun them long enough for you to dive under the covers to get them. Maybe YOU can be the first to taste the Bed Mouse!

"King of the Hill": This game must be played with at least one other cat. The more, the merrier! One or both of the sleeping humans is Hill 303 which must be defended at all costs from the other cat(s). Anything goes. This game allows for the development of unusual tactics as one must take the unstable playing theater into account.

"Remember Your Roots": Remember that you, as a cat, are a direct relative of lions, tigers, and other jungle cats. Remind your humans of this frequently. The game is played by hiding behind furniture, bags, or basically anything which allows you to be hidden, yet maintain a good hunting position. Quietly stalk your prey, and then jump out and attack it as soon as you are sure no one's looking. Any furniture makes good Jungle foliage.

WARNING:
Playing either of these games to excess will result in expulsion from the bed and possibly from the bedroom. Should the humans grow restless, immediately begin purring and cuddle up to them. This should buy you some time until they fall asleep again. If one happens to be on a human when this occurs, this cat wins the round of King of the Hill.

TOYS:
Any small item is a potential toy. If a human tries to confiscate it, this means that it is a Good Toy. Run with it under the bed. Look suitably outraged when the human grabs you and takes it away. Always watch where it is put so you can steal it later. Two reliable sources of toys are dresser tops and wastebaskets. There are several types of cat toys. Bright shiny things like keys, broaches, or coins should be hidden so that the other cat(s) or humans can't play with them. They are generally good for playing hockey with on uncarpeted floors. Dangly and/or string-like things such as shoelaces, cords, gold chains, and dental floss also make excellent toys. They are favorites of humans who like to drag them across the floor for us to pounce on. When a string is dragged under a newspaper or throw rug, it magically becomes the Paper/Rug Mouse and should be killed at all costs. Take care, though. Humans are sneaky and will try to make you lose your Dignity.

PAPER BAGS:
Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are small and Camouflaged to be the same color as the bag, so they are hard to see. But you can easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything, up to and including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them. Note: any other cat you may find in a bag hunting for Bag Mice is fair game for a Sneak Attack, which will usually result in a great Tag match.

FOOD:
In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed *NOW*; and hunting for it oneself. The following are guidelines for getting fed.

a) When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your tail in their dishes when they are not looking.

b) Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the table.

c) Never drink from your own water bowl if a human's glass is full enough to drink from.

d) Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only polite to attempt to get to know it. Be insistent -- your food will usually not be so polite and try to leave.

e) Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately unwilling to readily part. It is beneath the Dignity of a cat to beg outright for food as lower forms of life such as dogs will, but several techniques exist for ensuring that the humans don't forget you exist. These include, but are not limited to: jumping onto the lap of the "softest" human and purring loudly; lying down in the doorway between the dining room and the kitchen, the Direct Stare, and twining around people's legs as they sit and eat while meowing plaintively.

SLEEPING:
As mentioned above, in order to have enough energy for playing, a cat must get plenty of sleep. It is generally not difficult to find a comfortable place to curl up. Any place a human likes to sit is good, especially if it contrasts with your fur color. If it's in a sunbeam or near a heating duct or radiator, so much the better. Of course, good places also exist outdoors, but have the disadvantages of being seasonal and dependent on current and previous weather conditions such as rain. Open windows are a good compromise.

SCRATCHING POSTS:
It is advised that cats use any scratching post the humans may provide. They are very protective of what they think is their property and will object strongly if they catch you sharpening your claws on it. Being sneaky and doing it when they aren't around won't help, as they are very observant. If you are an outdoor kitty, trees are good. Sharpening your claws on a human is a definite no-no!

HUMANS:
Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one's Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the house. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent.