COMPUTERS: ARE THEY MALE OR FEMALE?

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'  'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1.. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model...

The women won.

COLONOSCOPY HUMOR

This list has been going around for a while: alleged actual comments made by patients (predominately male) about to undergo (or immediately after) colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before!"

2. "Find the missing Malaysian airliner in there?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Oh boy! That was sphincterrific!"

5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

6. "You know in Arkansas we're now legally married."

7. "Any sign of Amelia Earhart, Doc?"

8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"

11. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

12. "You used to be an executive at Enron didn't you?" 



13. "This reminds me of my last IRS audit!" 

And the best one of them all...

14. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is in fact not up there?"

SIGHTS AND SAYINGS OF TEXAS

SUPER BOWL PREDICTION

TOM GILL PREDICTS that today's Super Bowl will NOT be a close game: the victorious team will win by at least 12 points.

AN OLD FARMER'S ADVICE

              (Well-known, but author unknown.)

• Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight, and bull-strong.
• Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
• Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
• A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
• Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
• Meanness don't jus' happen overnight.
• Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
• Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
• It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
• You cannot unsay a cruel word.
• Every path has a few puddles.
• When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
• The best sermons are lived, not preached.
• Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen, anyway.
• Don't judge folks by their relatives.
• Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
• Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
• Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
• Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
• If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
• Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
• The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every morning.
• Always drink upstream from the herd.
• Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
• Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
• If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
• Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly: Leave the rest to God.

THOUGHTS STOLEN FROM MANY

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you... but it's still on my list.

Some people appear bright, until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up: we only learn how to act in public.

World War III will not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is understanding a tomato is a fruit.  Wisdom is not putting tomatoes in a fruit salad.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.  To steal from many is research.

I didn't say it was your fault: I said I was blaming you.

When filling out an application, where it says "in case of emergency, please notify," I put "Doctor."

You don't need a parachute to skydive once. You need a parachute to skydive twice.

Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana.

Describe yourself in three words: "Lazy."

I missed you!  But my aim is improving.

On the other hand, I have four fingers and a thumb.

I got a new coat for my wife.  I think it was a fair swap.

I'd like to help you out.  Which way did you come in?

A friend in need is a friend to avoid.

I thought I had child-proofed my house, but they keep getting in!

Good to the last drop.  What's wrong with the last drop?

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.  If the doctor is sexy, keep the apple away.

I haven't slept for ten days.  That would be way too long to sleep.

A Message From Mickey Moose

MATHEMATICAL BELATED HOLIDAY GREETING

Given                                                                          2 m r [i cos r² – sin r²] = dx/dr

Separate variables                                                      2 m r dr [i cos r² – sin r²] = dx

Divide both sides by m                                                2 r dr [i cos r² – sin r²] = dx/m

Express each side as an integral                                 ∫ 2 r dr [i cos r² – sin r²] = ∫ dx/m

Integrate                                                                     cos r² + i sin r² + c₁ = x/m + c₂

Subtract c₂  from both sides                                        cos r² + i sin r² + c₁ – c₂= x/m

c₁ – c₂ = c² for some c                                                 cos r² + i sin r² + c² = x/m

Multiply both sides by m                                             m [cos r² + i sin r²] + m c²= x

E = m c²                                                                       m [cos r² + i sin r²] + E = x

Subtract E from both sides                                         m [cos r² + i sin r²] = x – E

De Moivre’s rule:  exp (ø i) = cos ø + i sin ø               m exp (r² i) = x – E

E (work) = force . distance                                         m exp (r² i) = x – F.s

F (force) = mass times acceleration                           m exp (r² i) = x – mas

r² = rr                                                                           m exp (rri) = x – mas

exp (a) = e^a                                                                  m e^rri = x – mas

(Apparently originated with Brett Stevens, “Seasonal Greeting,” in the New Scientist, 21-28 December 1991)

PREDICTION

TOM GILL PREDICTS:  If Jim Harbaugh is fired by the San Francisco 49ers after the end of the 2014 regular season, and a new coach is not immediately named, look for Adam Gase (currently offensive coordinator for the Denver Broncos) to get the job- at least be officially interviewed.

THE LAWYER AND THE SENIOR CITIZEN

(Note: There are many versions of this, involving "a lawyer and a Blonde," "a hardware engineer and a software engineer," "an American and a Nigerian," "a white man and a Native American," "a medical doctor and an engineer," "a Russian and a Ukranian," "an Indian and a Pakistani," "an Italian and an Irishman," "a Yankee fan and a Red Sox fan," etc.)

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.   The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.   So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.   The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.   The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun ... "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then, you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.   This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game with him.   The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"   The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.   Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"   The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references  and, he can't find anything on the InterNet. He sends E-mails to all the smart  friends he knows; and all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.   He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.   The lawyer is going nuts now, not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up again and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four??"   The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

 

YOU MIGHT BE A TEXAN IF...

1. You can properly pronounce Corsicana, Palestine, Decatur, Mexia, Gruene, Beaumont, Pflugerville, Boerne, Amarillo, Pedernales, Bexar, Colorado City, and Balmorhea.

2. Your manners include: "Please", "Thank You", "Excuse me", "Ma'am" & "Sir" & you wanna punch those who don't use them.

3. A tornado warning siren is your signal to put the stuff out in the yard you wanna get rid of.

4. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.

5. You’ve ever had to switch from “heat” to “A/C”, TWICE in the same day.

6. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.

7. Stores don’t have bags, they have sacks.

8. You see people wear bib overalls at funerals, with the utmost respect.

9. You think everyone from a bigger town has an accent.

10. You measure distance in minutes or hours.

11. You hear & use the term "fixin' to" daily.

12. You know that the Chicken Ranch didn’t really raise chickens.

13. Little Smokies are something you serve only for special occasions.

14. You go to the lake because you know what a Bigmouth and a Striper is.

15. You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.

16. You know cowpies are not made of beef.

17. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan a wedding date.

18. You have known someone who has had one belt buckle bigger than your fist.

19. A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at a four-way stop, each determined to be the most polite and let the other go first.

20. You know that “Damnyankee” is one word.

21. You aren’t surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, liquor, and bait all in the same store... & it's a drive-thru.

22. You always have iced tea & cold beer available for guests.

23. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F350 diesel 4x4 is.

24. You know everything goes better with Ranch dressing or hot sauce.

25. You learned how to shoot a gun as soon as you can walk.

26. You actually like these jokes and are fixin’ to send them to your friends.

27. You know not to order a chicken fried steak using words like “rare” or “well done”.

28. You never use the word “veggies”.

29. You know where the Cotton Bowl is.

30. You are 100% Texan if you've EVER heard this conversation:
“You wanna coke?”
“Yeah.”
“What kind?”
“Dr. Pepper.”

YOU CAN TELL IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY WHEN...

You wake up face down on the pavement.
You put your bra on backward and it fits better.
You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
You see a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
You turn on the news and they are showing emergency routes out of the city.
You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize you don't have a waterbed. 
You wake up and your braces are locked together.
Your wife wakes up feeling amorour and you have a headache.
Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
Your boss tells you not to bother taking off your coat.
The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
You walk to work and find out later that your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife. 
You go to check your voice mail and your phone tells you "that's none of your business."
Your income tax check bounces.
You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
Your pet rock snaps at you.
Your wife says "Good Morning, Bill" and your name is George. 

HANDY PROBLEM-SOLVING FLOWCHART!