THE TWO DOZEN BEST TWO-LINE JOKES EVER

This has been going around the Internet today... and probably for a long time before that.
_________________________________________________________________________________
1. Parallel lines have so much in common. 
It's a shame they'll never meet.

2. My wife accused me of being immature. 
I told her to get out of my fort.

3. Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.

4. How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb? 
One, they're efficient and not very funny.

5. What do you call a dog with no legs. 
It doesn't matter; it's not going to come.

6. Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they're gonna pay.  You have my Word.

7. What's green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you? 
A pool table.

8. Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
Poor bastard.

9. How do you find Will Smith in the snow? 
You look for the fresh prints.

10. I went to a really emotional wedding the other day.
Even the cake was in tiers.

11. We have a genetic predisposition for diarrhea. 
Runs in our jeans.

12. A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building.
He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

13. A hot blonde orders a double entendre at the bar.
The bartender gave it to her.

14. Want to hear a word I just made up? 
Plagiarism.

15. Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.

16. What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
Aye Matey.

17. To the handicapped guy who stole my bag -
You can hide but you can't run.

18. I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster.
If anything, it made him more sluggish.

19. And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life" 
But John came fifth, and won a toaster.

20. Q: How do you think the unthinkable? 
A: With an itheberg.

21. Someone stole my mood ring,
I don't know how I feel about that.

22. I tried to catch fog yesterday,
Mist.

23. Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

24. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. 
She looked surprised.

Travel Agent Stories

A  'travel agent' offers some examples of how low we can go...

1.I had a woman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.    (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a man who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts ..''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Cape Town is in South Africa ..'' His response -- click..

3. A senior citizen called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

 He replied, 'Don't lie to me!, I looked on the map, and Florida is a very THIN state!!'' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a customer's wife who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?'' 

I said, ''No.''

She said, ''But they look so close on the map'' (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for an executive once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas .. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas ... When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6. A woman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went really, really fast, and she bought that.

7. A New Yorker called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'

He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage..

8. A man called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, he asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

9. I just got off the phone with a young man from Alabama who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

10.  A woman called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola and fly on a commuter plane.

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11 A woman called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12 A New Jersey man called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .'' 

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''

 'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.

 After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."

 'The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?''

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

Military Officer Evaluation One-Liners

What follows are extracts allegedly taken from British Military Officers' Annual Confidential Reports across the decades.  Thanks to Isabelle Barraja for passing this on!

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1. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of idle curiosity.

2. I would not breed from this Officer.

3. This man is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot.

4. This officer can be likened to a small puppy - he runs around excitedly, leaving little messes for other people to clean up.

5. This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, more of a definitely won't-be.

6. When she opens her mouth, it seems only to switch feet.

7. Couldn't organise 50% leave in a 2 man submarine.

8. He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

9. He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

10. Technically sound, but socially impossible.

11. The occasional flashes of adequacy are marred by an attitude of apathy and indifference.

12. When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.

13. This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

14. This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope, always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

15. Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

16. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

17. He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

18. This Officer should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.

19. In my opinion this pilot should not be authorised to fly below 250 feet.

20. The only ship I would recommend for this man is citizenship.

21. Couldn't organise a woodpecker's picnic in Sherwood Forest.

22. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

23. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

24. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

25. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

26. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

27. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

28. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

29. It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm.

30. A room temperature IQ.

31. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

32. A gross ignoramus, 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

33. He has a photographic memory but has the lens cover glued on.

34. He has been working with glue too long.

35. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.

36. This man hasn't got enough grey matter to sole the flip-flop of a one legged budgie.

37. If two people are talking, and one looks bored, he's the other one.

38. One-celled organisms would outscore him in IQ tests.

39. He donated his body to science before he was done using it.

40. Fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

41. He's so dense, light bends around him.

42. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

43. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

44. Takes him 1.1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

45. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is long dead.

BUBBA AT THE REVIVAL

Bubba goes to the revival and listens to the
preacher. After a while, the preacher asks anyone 
with needs to come forward and be prayed over.

Bubba gets in line and when it's his turn the
preacher says, "Bubba, what you want me to pray 
about?" Bubba says, "Preacher, I need you to pray
for my hearing."

So the preacher puts one finger in Bubba's ear and
the other hand on top of his head and prays a while. 
After a few minutes, he removes his hands and
says, "Bubba, how's your hearing now?"

Bubba says, "I don't know preacher, it's not until
next Wednesday."

Once Upon A Time On The High Seas...

Once upon a time on the ocean...
Two tankers were trapped in heavy seas. One carried a load of red paint; the other carried purple.

Despite the heroic efforts of their captains, the ships drifted closer and closer together, until finally, they crashed together.

The sailors were marooned.

HOSPITAL CHART BLOOPERS

Hospital Chart Bloopers (a tip of the hat to Jeff Lee for  passing these along)

 

1. The patient refused autopsy.

 

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

 

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

 

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

 

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

 

6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

 

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

 

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

 

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

 

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

 

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

 

12. She is numb from her toes down.

 

13. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

 

14. The skin was moist and dry.

 

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

 

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

 

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

 

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

 

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

 

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

 

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

 

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

 

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

 

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

 

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

TEXAS SURGEONS

Three surgeons from Texas were golfing together and discussing operations they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas.  A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident. I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said, "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident.  I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in track & field at the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Many years ago some cowboys who were drunk and high on cocaine decided to see who could survive riding their horses head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour.  
All I had left to work with was a mashed-up mess of horse's asses and a cowboy hat. I put 'em all back together and they all went on to become politicians running for President."

LAS VEGAS

Many people are surprised that "sin city" Las Vegas is really quite a conservative place. There is a Mormon church on almost every corner, and there are more Catholic churches there than casinos. Not so surprising, however, is the fact that some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed. Since they get chips from so many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting, and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in. This is done by a chip monk.

THINGS TO PONDER (author unknown)

A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

How come it takes so little time for a child who is
afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to
stay out all night?

Business conventions are important because they
demonstrate how many people a company can operate
without.

Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than
everyone else looks?

Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.

No one has more driving ambition than the boy who
wants to buy a car.

There are no new sins....the old ones just get more
publicity.

There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong
number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.

Think about this..., No one ever says "It's only a
game" when his team is winning

Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make
him wag his tail.

The nicest thing about the future is that it always
starts tomorrow.

If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't
have any sense at all.

Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way
you're going to like it.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody
has the same size bucket.

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have
thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more
comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in
every joint, you are probably dead.

ACTUAL QUESTIONS ABOUT CANADA

Real Questions Submitted to the Canadian Tourist Board (and how they SHOULD have answered)

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them
die. Except for the totem poles, which grow twenty centimetres per year.
 
Q: Will I be able to see polar bears in the street? (USA) 
A: This will depend upon how much you've been drinking. 
 
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto-can I follow the railroad
tracks? (Sweden) 
A: Yes. It's only four thousand miles, so take lots of water. 
 
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name.
It is kind of big horse with horns. (France) 
A: It's called a moose. They are tall and very violent and eat the brains of
anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself
with goose urine before you go out walking. 

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of
them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton & Halifax? (UK) 
A: There is one in each city. The queues form to the left, and bring a
lunch, since they are quite busy dispensing two American dollars for every
Canadian dollar.
 
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (Denmark) 
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da
is that big country north of-oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every
Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked. 
 
Q: Which direction is north in Canada? (Mexico)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and
we'll send the rest of the directions. 
 
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK) 
A: Why? Just use toboggan spikes like we do. 
 
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (Portugal) 
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is-oh
forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir performs every Tuesday night in
Vancouver and in Calgary, immediately after the hippo races. But remember,
you must come naked. 
 
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany) 
A: What for? It is like catnip to a moose. 
 
Q: I have developed a new product that is fountain of youth. Can you tell me
where I can sell it in Canada? (Japan) 
A: Anywhere a significant number of Americans gather. Try any Starbucks or
McDonalds.
 
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female
population is smaller than the male population? (Italy) 
A: Yes. Gay nightclubs. 
 
Q: Is Thanksgiving celebrated in Canada? (USA) 
A: Yes, every second Monday in October since 1729, but only if all the
igloos have been re-iced. 
 
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round?
(Germany)
 A: No. We are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is
illegal, except for babies. Was ist ein Supermarkt?
  
Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R&R, and I want to contact the girl I dated
while I was staying in Surrey, B.C. Can you help? (UK) 
A: Yes, but you will still have to pay her by the hour. 
 
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA) 
A: In most places, yes, but in some places proper English is greeted with
gunfire, so you should be safe.

 Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So it 'is' true what they say about Swedes.the answer is yes, but don't
forget the goose urine. And lots of water if you're walking from Vancouver
to Toronto.

WISDOM OF THE ELDER

Diane was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.  With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. 

Resuming the journey, Diane tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Diane. 

"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman. 

Diane looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband." 

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade." 

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(Note: I have also seen a version of this joke set in Hawaii, with an elderly Hawaiian.)

YOU MIGHT LIVE IN THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST IF...

Author unknown, but attributed to Jeff Foxworthy.

You Might Live in the Pacific Northwest if... 1. You feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash. 2. You use the statement "sun break" and know what it means. 3. You know more than 10 ways to order coffee. 4. You know more people who own boats than air conditioners. 5. You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a four-star restaurant. 6. You stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the "Walk" Signal. 7. You consider that if it has no snow on top of it or has not recently erupted,  it is not a real mountain. 8. You can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle's Best,and Peet's. 9. You know the difference between Chinook, Coho and Sockeye salmon. 10. You know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah, Oregon, Yakima and Willamette. 11. You consider swimming strictly an indoor sport. 12. In winter, you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark-while only working eight-hour days. 13. You never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho. 14. You are not fazed by "Today's forecast: showers followed by rain," and "Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers." 15. You have no concept of humidity without precipitation. 16. You know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of mind. 17. You can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you cannot see through  the cloud cover. 18. You say, "The mountain is out" when it is a pretty day and you can  actually see it. 19. You put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but still  wear your hiking boots and parka. 20. &ou switch to your sandals when it gets about 60, but keep the socks on. 21. You have used your mountain bike on an actual mountain. 22. You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists. 23. You buy new sunglasses every year, because you cannot find the old ones  after such a long time. 24. You often switch from "heat" to "a/c" in the same day. 25. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat. 26. You know all the important seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Raining  (Spring), Road Construction (Summer), Deer & Elk season Fall). 27. You actually understood these jokes and will probably forward them!

NARROW MISS IN FLORIDA

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Corvette convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75. 
He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. 
The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes, and I have the day off tomorrow. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." 
The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I was afraid you might be bringing her back." 
"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper.

CONVERSIONS

  1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
  2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
  3. 1 millionth of a minty mouthwash = 1 microScope
  4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement= 1
     bananosecond
  5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
  6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile perhour =
     Knotfurlong
  7. 365.25 days of drinking low calorie beer = 1 Lite year
  8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
  9. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon
10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
11. Basic unit of laryngitis - 1 hoarsepower
12. Shortest distance between two jokes - a straight line
13. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
14. 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
15. 1 million bicycles = 1 megacycle
16. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
17. 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
18. 10 cards = 1 decacard
19. 52 cards = 1 deckacard
20. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 fig Newton
21. 1000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen
22. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
23. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
24. 10 rations = 1 decaration
25. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
26. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
27. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
28. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University
     Hospital = 1 I.V. League

DISORDER IN THE COURT- PART II

More actual excerpts from courtroom testimony, selected from collections which have been going around the Internet for years.  

* Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good

look at my face when I took your purse?"


* Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"

* Witness: "July 15th."

* Lawyer: "What year?"

* Witness: "Every year."


* Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your

house?"

* Witness: "There was a rifle that belonged to my
father that was stolen from the hall closet."

* Lawyer: "Can you identify the rifle?"

* Witness: "Yes. There was something written on the
side of it."

* Lawyer: "And what did the writing say?"

* Witness: "'Winchester'!"


* Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the

impact?"

* Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."


* Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who

attacked you looked like?"

* Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."

* Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"

* Witness: "Er...his face."


* Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect

your memory at all?"

* Witness: "Yes."

* Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your
memory?"

* Witness: "I forget."

* Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of
something that you've forgotten?"



* Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with
you?"

* Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't
remember which."

* Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"

* Witness: "Forty-five years."


* Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said

to you when he woke that morning?"

* Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"

* Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"

* Witness: "My name is Susan."


* Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?"

* Witness: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."


* Lawyer: "Did you blow your horn or anything?"

* Witness: "After the accident?"

* Lawyer: "Before the accident."

* Witness: "Sure, I played for ten years. I even went
to school for it."


* Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant,

were your red and blue lights flashing?"

* Witness: "Yes."

* Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got
out of her car?"

* Witness: "Yes, sir."

* Lawyer: "What did she say?"

* Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"


* Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,

did you check for a pulse?"

* Witness: "No."

* Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

* Witness: "No."

* Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"

* Witness: "No."

* Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was
alive when you began the autopsy?"

* Witness: "No."

* Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"

* Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in
a jar."

* Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive
nevertheless?"

* Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been
alive and practicing law somewhere in Oklahoma."


* Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time

of the collision?"


* Lawyer: "And you check your radar unit frequently?"

* Officer: "Yes, I do."

* Lawyer: "And was your radar unit functioning
correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?"

* Officer: "Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly."


* Lawyer: "What happened then?"

* Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you
because you can identify me.'"

* Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"

* Witness: "No."


* Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and

honest man--"

* Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd
return the compliment."


* Witness: "He was about medium height and had a

beard."

* Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"


* Lawyer: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate

honeymoon, didn't you?"

* Witness: "I went to Europe, sir."

* Lawyer: "And you took your new wife?"


* Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you

recognize that picture."

* Witness: "That's me."

* Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was
taken?"


* Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when

you were sworn in?"


* Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?"

* Witness: "Four times."




*Lawyer: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
*Witness: We both do.
*Lawyer: Voodoo?
*Witness: We do.
*Lawyer: You do?
*Witness: Yes, voodoo.

*Lawyer: Now, Doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
*Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

DISORDER IN THE COURT

A collection of actual excerpts from courtroom testimony has been going around the Internet for years.  It apparently dates back to a book titled 'Humor in the Court' published in 1977. Here are some excerpts:
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Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his
first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and
pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first
name!
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Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
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Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
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Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
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Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
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Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
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Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
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Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr.
Cherney, and said he was really good.
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Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
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Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.
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Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
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Q. Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?

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Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
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Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
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Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
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THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
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Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
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Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able,
for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone
also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
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Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do
you go to?
A. Oral.
A. How old are you?
A. Oral.
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Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
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Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was
a victim?
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Q: ...and what did he do then?
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
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Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
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Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe
with respect to your scalp?
A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q: It was covered?
A: Yes, bandaged.
Q: Then, later on.. what did you see?
A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on
top of my head.
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Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.
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Q: What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this
defendant?
A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that son-of-a-bitch,
and she did!
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Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
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Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial
instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.
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Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
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Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
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Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective
witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas?
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
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Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A: It indicates intercourse.
Q: Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.
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Q: (Showing man picture.) That's you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
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Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
A: I have only one, you know.
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Q: You say you're innocent, yet five people swore they saw you steal a
watch.
A: Your Honor, I can produce 500 people who didn't see me steal it.
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Q: At the time you first saw Dr. McCarty, had you ever seen him prior to
that time?
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Q: Did the lady standing the driveway subsequently identify herself to
you?
A: Yes, she did.
Q: Who did she say she was?
A: She said she was the owner of the dog's wife.
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Q: I understand you're Bernie Davis's mother.
A: Yes.
Q: How long have you known him?
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Q: Now, I'm going to show you what has been marked as State's Exhibit No.
2 and ask if you recognize the picture?
A: John Fletcher.
Q: That's you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
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Q: Please state the location of your right foot immediately prior to
impact.
A: Immediately before the impact, my right foot was located at the
immediate end of my right leg.
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Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most
cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until
the next morning?
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Q: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
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Q: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
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Q: Were you alone or by yourself?
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Q: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
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Q: So you were gone until you returned?
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A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid
question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike
the next question."
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Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes
Q: How many were boys?
A: None
Q: Were there girls?
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Q: You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like,
but can you describe it?
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Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
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Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.
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Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr.
Edington at the Rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. the autopsy started about 8:30 pm.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid [jerk], he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
doing an autopsy!

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