IF THE MUSICAL "CATS" WERE PERFORMED BY ACTUAL CATS

[Based on a TOM GILL PREDICTS originally published in the year 2000]

"Cats" was the longest-running musical on Broadway at the time it closed.  As a review of my original Y2K TGP posting stated, "The show romanticizes and shrouds in mystery the lives and habits of America's most popular pet. Yet, even with the lively dancing and popular songs, "Cats" doesn't seem to capture the true-to-life behavior of our feline companions. Below is a list of what "Cats" would have to do to more accurately portray the true essence of cats..."

* Audience members would enter the auditorium only to find their seats had been clawed and covered with fur.

* The antagonist in the show would be a giant vacuum cleaner.

* Sometimes the cast would perform, but sometimes not - depending on their mood.

* Performers would leap off the stage and run up the aisles at the recorded sound of a can opener in the lobby.

* When certain audience members opened their playbills, a cast member would attempt to lie down on it.

* In the middle of a performance various cast members would curl up and go to sleep, even in the middle of a song.

* For no apparent reason, cast members would randomly run to the lobby, and then back to the stage at top speed. They would then continue as if nothing had happened.

* A special audience member would find a headless bird in his/her seat after the intermission.

* Snack bar employees would constantly be reprimanding cast members for walking on the counter.

* Open the stall door and guess who is drinking from the toilet?

* Part of the performance would include the cast climbing and shredding the theater curtains.

* The stage would be stained from someone coughing up a hairball and then eating it.

* Performers would find sand in the lobby ashtrays and - well, we don't have to draw a picture here, do we?

* The show would need to be stopped several times to allow cast members to "bathe" themselves.

* Most of the final act would consist of the cast just staring at the audience.

* The big finale would feature a giant ball of yarn, feathers on a pole, and stray strands of dental floss.

* Theater patrons waiting outside the stage door after performances would get their legs rubbed, if they were lucky.

* Cast members would never cash their paychecks, just play with them.