PUNOGRAPHY

This week we provide a compendium of puns.  This collection has been going around the Internet for years... author unknown.
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• I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

• When chemists die, they barium.

• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

• How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

• The Energizer bunny was arrested and charged with battery.

•  I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

• What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

• I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

• Broken pencils are pointless.

• What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

• All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The cops have nothing to go on.

• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

• Velcro - what a rip off!

• Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

• Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

• Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

• I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure......

How To Wash A Cat In Nine Easy Steps

(Editor's note: This procedure works best on a dry, sunny day.)

1. Put all of the lids of the toilet up, and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the toilet bowl.
 
2. Pick up the cat and pet him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
 
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid.  You will probably need to stand on the lid.
 
4. At this point, the cat will self-agitate and produce ample suds.  Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, rest assured that the cat is actually enjoying this.
 
5. Flush the toilet three or four times.   This provides a "Power Wash" followed by a "Rinse" cycle.
 
6. Have someone open the front door of your home.  Please be sure that there are no persons between the bathroom door and the front door.
 
7. Jump off the toilet, and quickly lift the lid, whilst standing back as far as you can.
 
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will proceed to dry himself off.
 
9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.

FIFTY FUN THINGS TO DO ON A FINAL EXAM THAT DOES NOT MATTER

From deep in the archives of TOM GILL PREDICTS from about thirty years ago (updated 

a bit to reflect modern times), here are 50 FUN THINGS TO DO IN A FINAL THAT DOES 

NOT MATTER (I.E. YOU ARE GOING TO FAIL THE CLASS COMPLETELY NO MATTER WHAT YOU GET 

ON THE FINAL EXAM)

   1.  Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15
   minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some
   gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

   2.  Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the
   secret documents!!"

   3.  If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long
   answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the
   integral symbol.

   4.  Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the teacher's
   left nostril.

   5.  Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate
   your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm
   SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk
   the teacher is.

   6.  Bring cheerleaders.

   7.  Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly
   say to the teacher, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to
   every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are
   you? Where's the regular guy?"

   8.  Bring an Xbox (or Wii, etc...). Play with the volume at max
   level.

   9.  On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to
   refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this
   question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be
   creative.

   10.  Bring pets.

   11.  Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of
   relief. Go to the teacher, say "They've found me, I have to leave the
   country" and run off.

   12.  Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into
   very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry
   Christmas."  If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam.
   Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

   13.  Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

   14.  Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your
   head, and nothing else.

   15.  Come down with a BAD case of Tourette's Syndrome during the exam. Be as
   crude as possible.

   16.  Do the entire exam in another language. Preferably Klingon. 

If you don't know another language, make one up!  For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

   17.  Bring things to throw at the teacher when s/he's not looking.
   Blame it on the person nearest to you.

   18.  As soon as the teacher hands you the exam, eat it.

   19.  Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be
   taping for your relity show during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let
   them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of
   the profits if they are allowed to stay.

   20.  Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to
   another seat, continue with the exam.

   21.  Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out,
   start commenting on how easy it was.

   22.  Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If
   it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE.
   etc..).

   23.  Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers
   completely blacked out.

   24.  Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down
   violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.

   25.  Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the
   teacher that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving
   after one hour to go drink)

   26.  Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point
   during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

   27.  Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the teacher asks why,
   tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on
   above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a Clapper. DUH!"

   28.  Comment on how sexy the teacher is looking that day.

   29.  Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put
   on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera"
   until they drag you away.

   30.  Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the
   class is very small, and the teacher would recognize you if you
   belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to
   take the exam.

   31.  Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say
   "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Duck Dynasty is on!!!"

   32.  Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.

   33.  From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore
   the teacher's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to
   leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the
   River Kwai.

   34.  Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

   35.  If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you
   could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most
   equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life
   story.

   36.  Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and
   shield.

   37.  Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the
   exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

   38.  Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious...
   like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just
   failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with
   the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."

   39.  When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

   40.  After you get the exam, call the teacher over, point to any
   question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

   41.  One word: Wrestlemania.

   42.  Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they
   do before concerts start.

   43.  Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

   44.  Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

   45.  Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you.
   Pray to it often, out loud. Consider a small sacrifice.

   46.  Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent
   to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

   47.  During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs,
   anything you can reach.

   48.  Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90
   degree angle.

   49.  Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are
   asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student
   Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on
   musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase
   "Told you so".

   50.  Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks"

A Jack Daniels Fishing Story

A Jack Daniels Fishing Story

I went fishing this morning, but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a cottonmouth snake with a frog in his mouth. "Frogs are good bass bait" I thought to myself.

 Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Just then, I realized I had a problem, how was I going to release the snake without getting bit? So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. The snake's eyes rolled back and he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge at my foot. There was that same snake with two more frogs in his mouth.

Life is good in the South.

CAR CRASH EXCUSES

 These were allegedly taken from auto insurance forms and statements to police. 

They've been around since at least the 1980s.:

 "Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions."

 "I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my hand through it."

 "I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."

 "A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face."

 "A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."

 "The guy was all over the road; I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

 "I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed 

over the embankment."

 "In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

 "I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home.  As I reached an 

intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision.  I did not see the other guy."

 "I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had the accident."

 "I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way 

causing me to have an accident."

 "As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no 

stop sign had ever appeared before.  I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident."

 "To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front of me, I struck the pedestrian."

 "My car was legally parked as I backed into the other vehicle."

 "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished."

 "I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I 

had a fractured skull."

 "I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road 

when I struck him."

 "The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran him over."

 "I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old man as he bounced off the hood of my car."

 "The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

 "I was thrown from my car as it left the road.  I was later found in a ditch by 

some stray cows."

 "The telephone pole was approaching.  I was attempting to swerve out of the way, 

when it struck my front end."

TRAVELLERS' COMPLAINTS... "THE BEACH WAS TOO SANDY"

THESE ARE COMPLAINTS ALLEGEDLY RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

 

1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store doesn’t sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

 

2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons.  I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time – this should be banned."

 

3. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry.  I don't like spicy food."

 

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels.  We assumed it would be included in the price."

 

5. "The beach was too sandy.  We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

 

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure.  Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

 

7. "They shouldn’t allow topless sunbathing on the beach.  It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

 

8. "No-one told us there’d be fish in the water.  The children were scared."

 

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

 

10. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

 

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we couldn’t read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort.  Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would’ve made our holiday more fun."

 

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England.  It took the Americans only three hours to get home.  This seems unfair."

 

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

 

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.'  We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

 

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there.  The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish.  No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

 

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

 

17. "It’s your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

 

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito.  The brochure didn’t mention mosquitoes."

 

19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed.  We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant.  This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

 

 

 

THE TOMATO GARDEN

An old man lived alone in a house with a spacious backyard.  He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over... I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie

At 5 a.m. the next day, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

Later that week, the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love, Vinnie

Men Vs. Women

Men Are Just Happier People --

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Chocolate is just another snack...

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $5 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife..

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

___________________________________

Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $50 None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the calculators...YEP!!!


MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 250. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the rubbish, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
 
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!


[Forwarded by Joseph Prospero]

Waltzing Matilda for the 21st Century

 

Back five and a half years ago I re-wrote the classic Australian tune, "Waltzing Matilda." Above you can see the legendary Slim Dusty singing the original version.

 

Mine is updated for the modern era and the challenges of the 21st century.  Amazing what the stream of consciousness produces when one starts singing in the shower. 

 

Once a jolly swagman camped by a billabong
Under the shade of a coolibah tree
And he sang as he swam in the waters of the billabong,
"You’ll come a waltzing Matilda with me."

 

But a giant crocodile lived inside that billabong
Under the shade of the coolibah tree
And he sang as he chomped on the swagman in the billabong,
"He came a waltzing matilda to me."

 

When a bloody poacher came upon the billabong
He found the croc and killed it with glee
And he sang as he skinned that seven meter crocodile
"I’ll be a waltzing Matilda with thee.."

 

Up rode the warden in his brand new 4 X 4 
Out came his deputies one two three
As they handcuffed the poacher he shouted at the billabong
"They came a Waltzing matilda for me!"

 

Got himself a barrister, best in all the territory
Soon he was sprung on a technicality
As he sauntered from the courthouse, standing tall and walking free
They went a waltzing, Matilda and he.

 

Then global warming dried up all the billabong
Left just the trunk of the coolibah tree
And the wind moans as sand dunes shift across the billabong,
"You’ll come a waltzing Matilda with me."

 

-(Original lyrics by Banjo Patterson, modified and rewritten in part by  Tom Gill Dec. 7, 2008.)

CLAUDE THE HYPNOTIST AT THE OLD FOLKS' HOME

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center.
 
After the community sing song led by Alice at the piano, It was time for the Star of the Show- Claude the  Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of  you and all at the same time," said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. I want you to keep your eyes on this watch," said Claude,  holding the watch high for all to see. "It is a very special and valuable watch that has been  in my family for  six  generations," said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch ---  Watch  the watch ----Watch the watch..."
 
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights twinkled as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!! The beautiful antique gold pocket watch  that had been in Claude's family for  six generations fell to the stage and burst apart on impact!

"SHIT," said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Center. And Claude was never invited to entertain again.
 

WHY?

Truths for your amusement...

Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

Why do people order double bacon cheeseburgers, large fries, and a Diet Coke?

Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage?

EVER WONDER...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors and attorneys call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff??
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If flying is so safe,why do they call the airport the terminal?

ALLEGED ACTUAL TEST ANSWERS FROM CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL

 

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINNESS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

 

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK.NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURINGTHE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

 

6.  THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES

WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS. 

 

7.  THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

        

8. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE

HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

        

9. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO

STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

        

10. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE

FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

        

11. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

        

12. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA

CARTA.

13.. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND

JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

14. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.


15. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

        

16. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS

BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOES NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

17. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET

THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

18. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

        

19.  THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

        

20. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

21.  ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY

WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

22. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

MEMO FROM HUMAN RESOURCES

  Dear Employees:
 
  It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
  throughout the company have been using foul language during the 
 course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
 
  Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily
  offended,   this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
 
  We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to
  accurately   express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
 
  Therefore, a list of sixteen New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases
 have been  provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can 
 continue in an  effective manner.
 
  Number 1
  TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
  INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the &!^&#  you're doing.
 
  Number 2
  TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
  INSTEAD OF: And when the &!^&# do you expect me to do this?
 
  Number 3
  TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
  INSTEAD OF: No &!^&# way.
 
  Number 4
  TRY SAYING: Really?
  INSTEAD OF: No &!^&# ?
 
  Number 5
  TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
  INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a &!^&#
 
  Number 6
  TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in that project.
  INSTEAD OF: It's not my &!^&# problem.
 
  Number 7
  TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
  INSTEAD OF: What the &!^&# ?
 
  Number 8
  TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
  INSTEAD OF: This &!^&# won't work.
 
  Number 9
  TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
  INSTEAD OF: Why the &!^&# didn't you tell me sooner?
 
  Number 10
  TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
  INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his &!^&#.
 
  Number 11
  TRY SAYI NG: Excuse me, sir?
  INSTEAD OF: &!^&# &!^&# and die.
 
  Number 12
  TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
  INSTEAD OF: &!^&#, I'm on salary.
 
  Number 13
  TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
  INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your &!^&#.
 
  Number 14
  TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
  INSTEAD OF: This &!^&# job sucks.
 
  Number 15
  TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
  INSTEAD OF: Who the &!^&# died and made you boss?
  

 Number 16
  TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
  INSTEAD OF: He's a &!^&#.
 
  Thank You,
  Human Resources