SAYINGS OF THE OLD PHILOSOPHER

♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year.  I don't want to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

 

♦ Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

 

♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

 

♦ A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.

 

♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

 

♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

 

♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

 

♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

 

♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

 

♦ Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

 

♦ You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

 

♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

 

♦ My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

 

♦ My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.

 

♦The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

 

♦ Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

 

♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T. Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

 

CHILDREN'S LOGIC- PART II

TEACHER: Why are you doing your multiplication practice on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!

TEACHER: Glenn, why do you always get so dirty?
GLENN: I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, please say a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: "I is..."
TEACHER: Millie, that's not correct.  Always say "I am."
MILLIE: I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

TEACHER: George Washington chopped down his father's tree, but his father did not punish him.  Zack, can you tell us why?
ZACK: Because he still had an axe in his hand.

TEACHER: Maria, do you say prayers before eating?
MARIA: No, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.

LEXOPHILIA

This collection of puns has been floating around the Internet for at least twenty years: the first reference to most of these on the Web goes back to 1997.

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

 

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

 

The batteries were given out free of charge.

 

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

 

A will is a dead giveaway.

 

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

 

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

 

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

 

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

 

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

 

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

 

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

 

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

 

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

 

When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

 

Acupuncture is a jab well done (that's the point of it).

 

Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

 

 

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

 A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.

IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKYs - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN THEY MOVE AWAY FROM YOU.

THE GOGH FAMILY TREE

The often-dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh
The uncle who had a digestive problem------------------------------- Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh
The cousin from Yugoslavia-------------------------------U Gogh
A magician/rapper uncle----------------------------- Where-Diddy Gogh
The cousin from Latin America---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh
That cousin's half-brother from the USA ------------ Gring Gogh
The ancestor who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh
The uncle with a different digestive problem------------------------------------- Can't Gogh
The aunt from Argentina who loved to dance -------------------------------- Tang Gogh
The uncle who loved to stand on one foot------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh
The tropical-fruit loving cousin -------------------------------------- Man Gogh
A cousin who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ----------------------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh
And the niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh

I saw you smiling ---- there ya Gogh!

PENGUINS

Did you ever wonder what happens to dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?

Wonder no more!!!

It is a known fact that penguins are very ritualistic birds which live extremely ordered and complex lives.

A penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in  the ice, using their wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.


  The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

                        "Freeze a jolly good fellow."


Then they kick him in the ice hole.
  You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you!

The South (USA), Explained.

(Author: apparently an unknown Southerner.  This was circulating around the Internet by email more than a decade ago.) 

The difference between the North and South at last, clearly explained....

The North has Bloomingdale's , the South has Dollar General .

 The North has coffee houses, the South has Waffle Houses .

 The North has dating services, the South has family reunions.

 The North has switchblade knives; the South has .45's

 The North has double last names; the South has double first names.

 The North has Indy car races; The South has stock car races .

 North has Cream of Wheat , the South has grits.

 The North has green salads, the South has collard greens .

 The North has lobsters, the South has crawfish .

 The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt .

 FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . ....

 In the South : --If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

 Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store... Do not buy sushi at this store..

 Remember, 'Y'all' is singular, 'all y'all' is plural, and 'all y'all's' is plural possessive.

 Get used to hearing 'You ain't from round here, are ya?'

 Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.

 Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective 'big'ol,' truck or 'big'ol' boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

 The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper .

 Be advised that 'He needed killin..' is a valid defense here..

 If you hear a Southerner exclaim, 'Hey, y'all watch this,' you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

 If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

 Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mommas taught them how to aim.

 In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we ain't gonna call 'em biscuits. (I don't think that last one's completely accurate, but it's dang sure funny!)

Science Is Inherently Political

As I write this it is the eve of Earth Day, when scientists and supporters of science are preparing to March for Science, in Washington DC and hundreds of other cities.  Many of my friends will be marching, while others have decided not to.  March or not, there are many justifiable reasons to decide either way.  But don’t say, “I’m not marching because science shouldn’t be political.”

I’ve got news for you: Science is political, science is inherently political, like it or not.  It surely need not be partisan- but it can’t help be political.

I am a professional in the field of earth and environmental sciences, and my discipline has always been about as political as any topic get.   Galileo, pursuing what we’d now call planetary science, was persecuted by the Roman Inquisition and put under house arrest by the authorities for showing that the Earth was not the center of the universe.  After Benjamin Franklin’s experiments on atmospheric electricity, he and his lightning rods were blamed for subsequent environmental disasters and almost squelched by politicians claiming Franklin had disrupted the balance of Nature.    

Today, petroleum geology experiences political magnification from all ends of the political spectrum, whether it’s “drill, baby, drill”, or “divest from all fossil fuels now.”  Many of the same issues are associated with mining and extraction of minerals, sand, and other resources investigated by economic geologists.  Environmental geologists deal with pollution of the air, water, and land- subject to strident political debates over whether contaminants should be regulated, and to what levels.  My hydrology colleagues deal with water, probably the most contentious political issue in the West  (legend has it that it was Mark Twain who said, “whiskey is for drinking: water is for fighting over”).  The seemingly-benign weather forecast can be a political hot potato: living on the border, at one time Federally-employed meteorologists in my city could get into big trouble with the powers-that-be for forecasting or warning about storms in an area “out of their jurisdiction.”  Even plate tectonics, the unifying paradigm of modern geology, offends those who are certain that the Earth is only thousands of years old.

Two of the most politically controversial issues in science are central to my discipline: evolution, and climate change.  Here in Texas, State House representatives filed bills in the current legislative session to constrain the teaching of evolution and to bar evidence of climate change from being used in many court cases.  Other states have attempted to legislate away sea level rise, and to mandate the teaching of young-Earth creationism.  You may not want science to be political, but politicians will keep feeling free to intervene in our science.

So march, or not: there are many legitimate reasons you may choose to publicly demonstrate, or to take a pass on it.  The scientific method is objective irrespective of political party, and Mother Earth doesn’t care whether you’re progressive or conservative, marching or staying home;  Gaia’s going to do what Gaia’s going to do.  Science shouldn’t be partisan.   But don’t say that it can’t be politicized- that train left a long, long time ago.

HOW TO INSTALL A REDNECK HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots

2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans,    a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads: "Hey Bubba! Big Jim, Duke and I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.

PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside." 

INSTALLATION COMPLETE!!!!

IF THE MUSICAL "CATS" WERE PERFORMED BY ACTUAL CATS

[Based on a TOM GILL PREDICTS originally published in the year 2000]

"Cats" was the longest-running musical on Broadway at the time it closed.  As a review of my original Y2K TGP posting stated, "The show romanticizes and shrouds in mystery the lives and habits of America's most popular pet. Yet, even with the lively dancing and popular songs, "Cats" doesn't seem to capture the true-to-life behavior of our feline companions. Below is a list of what "Cats" would have to do to more accurately portray the true essence of cats..."

* Audience members would enter the auditorium only to find their seats had been clawed and covered with fur.

* The antagonist in the show would be a giant vacuum cleaner.

* Sometimes the cast would perform, but sometimes not - depending on their mood.

* Performers would leap off the stage and run up the aisles at the recorded sound of a can opener in the lobby.

* When certain audience members opened their playbills, a cast member would attempt to lie down on it.

* In the middle of a performance various cast members would curl up and go to sleep, even in the middle of a song.

* For no apparent reason, cast members would randomly run to the lobby, and then back to the stage at top speed. They would then continue as if nothing had happened.

* A special audience member would find a headless bird in his/her seat after the intermission.

* Snack bar employees would constantly be reprimanding cast members for walking on the counter.

* Open the stall door and guess who is drinking from the toilet?

* Part of the performance would include the cast climbing and shredding the theater curtains.

* The stage would be stained from someone coughing up a hairball and then eating it.

* Performers would find sand in the lobby ashtrays and - well, we don't have to draw a picture here, do we?

* The show would need to be stopped several times to allow cast members to "bathe" themselves.

* Most of the final act would consist of the cast just staring at the audience.

* The big finale would feature a giant ball of yarn, feathers on a pole, and stray strands of dental floss.

* Theater patrons waiting outside the stage door after performances would get their legs rubbed, if they were lucky.

* Cast members would never cash their paychecks, just play with them.

THE FROG AND THE SNAKE AND THE FISHERMAN

A FISHING STORY

I went fishing this morning, but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a cottonmouth snake with a frog in his mouth. "Frogs are good bass bait!," I thought to myself.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Just then, I realized I had a problem, how was I going to release the snake without getting bit? So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. The snake's eyes rolled back and he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge at my foot. There was that same snake with two more frogs in his mouth.

Life is good when you're fishin'.

GREAT TRUTHS LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

  

Proverbs Rewritten By Kids- Part II

An elementary school teacher gave his students the first half of a well known saying, and asked them to finish it.  Here are some of the alleged results.                                  

[This has been going around for so long it's practically a folk tale in itself by now.]

(Part I was posted last week) 

A bird in the hand…. Will poop on you.

Better late than… pregnant.

Where there’s smoke, there’s… pollution.

A penny saved is… not much.

When the blind lead the blind,… get out of the way.

Two’s company, three’s… Musketeers.

Don’t put off tomorrow what… you put on to go to bed.

There are none so blind as… Stevie Wonder.

Children should be seen and not… grounded.

You get out of something only what you… see in the picture on the box.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and… you have to blow your nose.

Happy the bride who… gets all the presents.

If you first you don’t succeed,… reboot the computer.

Proverbs Rewritten By Kids

An elementary school teacher gave his students the first half of a well known saying, and asked them to finish it.  Here are some of the alleged results. [This has been going around for so long it's practically a folk tale in itself by now.]
(Part II next week) 

Don't change horses... until they stop running.
Strike while the... bug is close.
It's always darkest before... Daylight Savings Time.
Never underestimate the power of... termites.
You can lead a horse to water, but... why?
Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.
No news is... impossible.
A miss is as good as a... Mister.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll... stink.
Love all, trust... me.
The pen is mightier than the... pig.
An idle mind is... the best way to relax.

MORE PUNS

He thought it was fog, but he mist.

She said she recognized me from the Vegetarian Society, but I'd never seen herbivore.

I wrote the script for a performance about puns.  It was a play on words.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What does a clock do when it's hungry?  Goes back four seconds.

When I was a kid we went on a school field trip to the soft drink factory.  It was followed by a pop quiz.

?Cuantos estrellas hay en el cielo? !Cincuenta!

A man from Panama said he could make himself disappear.  He counted, "uno, dos..." and he was gone without a tres.

I was up all night trying to figure out where the sun had gone to.  Then it dawned on me.

I didn't like my beard at first.  But then it grew on me.

Got a bladder infection?  Urine trouble!

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME

(From the Internet.  Original origin unknown.)

�

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

�

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

�

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

�

What disease did cured ham actually have?

�

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

�

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

�

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

�

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

�

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?

They're going to see you naked anyway.

�

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

�

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

�

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?�

�

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

�

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

�

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

�

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

�

Why, Why, Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

�

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

�

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four�

billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

�

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

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Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

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Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

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Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

�

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

�

Why do people keep running over a thread a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner,

then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

�

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

�

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

�

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

�

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

�

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

Ten Thoughts To Start The Year

1. My goal for 2016 was to lose ten pounds.  Only fifteen more to go!

2. I ate a salad for dinner.  Mostly croutons and tomatoes.  OK, really one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce and cheese and sausage.  FINE, I ate a pizza.

3. How to prepare tofu: 1. Throw it in the trash.  2. Grill some meat.

4. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

5. I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

6.  A recent study has shown that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

7. Kids today don't know how good they have it.  Back when I was their age, I had to get up and walk ten feet over shag carpet to change the TV channel.

8. I may not be funny or good looking or athletic or talented or rich... oh, I forgot where I was going with this.

9. I love being over 50 years old.  Every day I learn a new thing, and forget five others.

10.  I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

THE TEXAS STATE TROOPER AND THE JUGGLER

A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on Interstate 35 a few miles south of Waco. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He was behind schedule and didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him, then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got out five flares, lit them and handed them to him.  The man juggled them skillfully and impressively.

While the man was juggling, a pickup truck pulled in behind the State Trooper's car. A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk guy what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”