ACTUAL QUESTIONS ABOUT CANADA

Real Questions Submitted to the Canadian Tourist Board (and how they SHOULD have answered)

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them
die. Except for the totem poles, which grow twenty centimetres per year.
 
Q: Will I be able to see polar bears in the street? (USA) 
A: This will depend upon how much you've been drinking. 
 
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto-can I follow the railroad
tracks? (Sweden) 
A: Yes. It's only four thousand miles, so take lots of water. 
 
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name.
It is kind of big horse with horns. (France) 
A: It's called a moose. They are tall and very violent and eat the brains of
anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself
with goose urine before you go out walking. 

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of
them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton & Halifax? (UK) 
A: There is one in each city. The queues form to the left, and bring a
lunch, since they are quite busy dispensing two American dollars for every
Canadian dollar.
 
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (Denmark) 
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da
is that big country north of-oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every
Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked. 
 
Q: Which direction is north in Canada? (Mexico)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and
we'll send the rest of the directions. 
 
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK) 
A: Why? Just use toboggan spikes like we do. 
 
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (Portugal) 
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is-oh
forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir performs every Tuesday night in
Vancouver and in Calgary, immediately after the hippo races. But remember,
you must come naked. 
 
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany) 
A: What for? It is like catnip to a moose. 
 
Q: I have developed a new product that is fountain of youth. Can you tell me
where I can sell it in Canada? (Japan) 
A: Anywhere a significant number of Americans gather. Try any Starbucks or
McDonalds.
 
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female
population is smaller than the male population? (Italy) 
A: Yes. Gay nightclubs. 
 
Q: Is Thanksgiving celebrated in Canada? (USA) 
A: Yes, every second Monday in October since 1729, but only if all the
igloos have been re-iced. 
 
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round?
(Germany)
 A: No. We are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is
illegal, except for babies. Was ist ein Supermarkt?
  
Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R&R, and I want to contact the girl I dated
while I was staying in Surrey, B.C. Can you help? (UK) 
A: Yes, but you will still have to pay her by the hour. 
 
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA) 
A: In most places, yes, but in some places proper English is greeted with
gunfire, so you should be safe.

 Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So it 'is' true what they say about Swedes.the answer is yes, but don't
forget the goose urine. And lots of water if you're walking from Vancouver
to Toronto.

WISDOM OF THE ELDER

Diane was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.  With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. 

Resuming the journey, Diane tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Diane. 

"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman. 

Diane looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband." 

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade." 

____________________________________________________________________________________________
(Note: I have also seen a version of this joke set in Hawaii, with an elderly Hawaiian.)

YOU MIGHT LIVE IN THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST IF...

Author unknown, but attributed to Jeff Foxworthy.

You Might Live in the Pacific Northwest if... 1. You feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash. 2. You use the statement "sun break" and know what it means. 3. You know more than 10 ways to order coffee. 4. You know more people who own boats than air conditioners. 5. You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a four-star restaurant. 6. You stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the "Walk" Signal. 7. You consider that if it has no snow on top of it or has not recently erupted,  it is not a real mountain. 8. You can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle's Best,and Peet's. 9. You know the difference between Chinook, Coho and Sockeye salmon. 10. You know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah, Oregon, Yakima and Willamette. 11. You consider swimming strictly an indoor sport. 12. In winter, you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark-while only working eight-hour days. 13. You never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho. 14. You are not fazed by "Today's forecast: showers followed by rain," and "Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers." 15. You have no concept of humidity without precipitation. 16. You know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of mind. 17. You can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you cannot see through  the cloud cover. 18. You say, "The mountain is out" when it is a pretty day and you can  actually see it. 19. You put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but still  wear your hiking boots and parka. 20. &ou switch to your sandals when it gets about 60, but keep the socks on. 21. You have used your mountain bike on an actual mountain. 22. You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists. 23. You buy new sunglasses every year, because you cannot find the old ones  after such a long time. 24. You often switch from "heat" to "a/c" in the same day. 25. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat. 26. You know all the important seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Raining  (Spring), Road Construction (Summer), Deer & Elk season Fall). 27. You actually understood these jokes and will probably forward them!

NARROW MISS IN FLORIDA

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Corvette convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75. 
He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. 
The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes, and I have the day off tomorrow. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." 
The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I was afraid you might be bringing her back." 
"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper.

CONVERSIONS

  1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
  2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
  3. 1 millionth of a minty mouthwash = 1 microScope
  4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement= 1
     bananosecond
  5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
  6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile perhour =
     Knotfurlong
  7. 365.25 days of drinking low calorie beer = 1 Lite year
  8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
  9. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon
10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
11. Basic unit of laryngitis - 1 hoarsepower
12. Shortest distance between two jokes - a straight line
13. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
14. 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
15. 1 million bicycles = 1 megacycle
16. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
17. 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
18. 10 cards = 1 decacard
19. 52 cards = 1 deckacard
20. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 fig Newton
21. 1000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen
22. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
23. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
24. 10 rations = 1 decaration
25. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
26. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
27. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
28. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University
     Hospital = 1 I.V. League

DISORDER IN THE COURT- PART II

More actual excerpts from courtroom testimony, selected from collections which have been going around the Internet for years.  

* Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good

look at my face when I took your purse?"


* Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"

* Witness: "July 15th."

* Lawyer: "What year?"

* Witness: "Every year."


* Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your

house?"

* Witness: "There was a rifle that belonged to my
father that was stolen from the hall closet."

* Lawyer: "Can you identify the rifle?"

* Witness: "Yes. There was something written on the
side of it."

* Lawyer: "And what did the writing say?"

* Witness: "'Winchester'!"


* Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the

impact?"

* Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."


* Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who

attacked you looked like?"

* Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."

* Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"

* Witness: "Er...his face."


* Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect

your memory at all?"

* Witness: "Yes."

* Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your
memory?"

* Witness: "I forget."

* Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of
something that you've forgotten?"



* Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with
you?"

* Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't
remember which."

* Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"

* Witness: "Forty-five years."


* Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said

to you when he woke that morning?"

* Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"

* Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"

* Witness: "My name is Susan."


* Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?"

* Witness: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."


* Lawyer: "Did you blow your horn or anything?"

* Witness: "After the accident?"

* Lawyer: "Before the accident."

* Witness: "Sure, I played for ten years. I even went
to school for it."


* Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant,

were your red and blue lights flashing?"

* Witness: "Yes."

* Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got
out of her car?"

* Witness: "Yes, sir."

* Lawyer: "What did she say?"

* Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"


* Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,

did you check for a pulse?"

* Witness: "No."

* Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

* Witness: "No."

* Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"

* Witness: "No."

* Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was
alive when you began the autopsy?"

* Witness: "No."

* Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"

* Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in
a jar."

* Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive
nevertheless?"

* Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been
alive and practicing law somewhere in Oklahoma."


* Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time

of the collision?"


* Lawyer: "And you check your radar unit frequently?"

* Officer: "Yes, I do."

* Lawyer: "And was your radar unit functioning
correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?"

* Officer: "Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly."


* Lawyer: "What happened then?"

* Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you
because you can identify me.'"

* Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"

* Witness: "No."


* Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and

honest man--"

* Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd
return the compliment."


* Witness: "He was about medium height and had a

beard."

* Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"


* Lawyer: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate

honeymoon, didn't you?"

* Witness: "I went to Europe, sir."

* Lawyer: "And you took your new wife?"


* Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you

recognize that picture."

* Witness: "That's me."

* Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was
taken?"


* Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when

you were sworn in?"


* Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?"

* Witness: "Four times."




*Lawyer: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
*Witness: We both do.
*Lawyer: Voodoo?
*Witness: We do.
*Lawyer: You do?
*Witness: Yes, voodoo.

*Lawyer: Now, Doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
*Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

DISORDER IN THE COURT

A collection of actual excerpts from courtroom testimony has been going around the Internet for years.  It apparently dates back to a book titled 'Humor in the Court' published in 1977. Here are some excerpts:
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his
first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and
pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first
name!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr.
Cherney, and said he was really good.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able,
for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone
also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do
you go to?
A. Oral.
A. How old are you?
A. Oral.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was
a victim?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: ...and what did he do then?
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe
with respect to your scalp?
A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q: It was covered?
A: Yes, bandaged.
Q: Then, later on.. what did you see?
A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on
top of my head.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this
defendant?
A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that son-of-a-bitch,
and she did!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial
instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective
witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas?
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A: It indicates intercourse.
Q: Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: (Showing man picture.) That's you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
A: I have only one, you know.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: You say you're innocent, yet five people swore they saw you steal a
watch.
A: Your Honor, I can produce 500 people who didn't see me steal it.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: At the time you first saw Dr. McCarty, had you ever seen him prior to
that time?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did the lady standing the driveway subsequently identify herself to
you?
A: Yes, she did.
Q: Who did she say she was?
A: She said she was the owner of the dog's wife.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: I understand you're Bernie Davis's mother.
A: Yes.
Q: How long have you known him?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Now, I'm going to show you what has been marked as State's Exhibit No.
2 and ask if you recognize the picture?
A: John Fletcher.
Q: That's you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Please state the location of your right foot immediately prior to
impact.
A: Immediately before the impact, my right foot was located at the
immediate end of my right leg.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most
cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until
the next morning?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Were you alone or by yourself?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: So you were gone until you returned?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid
question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike
the next question."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes
Q: How many were boys?
A: None
Q: Were there girls?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like,
but can you describe it?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr.
Edington at the Rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. the autopsy started about 8:30 pm.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid [jerk], he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
doing an autopsy!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

NEW SONGS FOR OLD ARTISTS

Artists from the '60s and '70s are updating some of their hit songs to age along with their audience...

1. Herman's Hermits
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a  Lovely Walker

2. The Bee Gees
How Can You Mend a Broken Hip

3. Bobby Darin
Splish Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash

4. Ringo Starr
I Get By With a Little Help from Depends

5. Roberta Flack
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

6. Johnny Nash
I Can't See Clearly Now

7. Paul Simon
Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

8. Commodores
Once, Twice, Three Times to the Toilet

9. Marvin Gaye
I Heard it Through the Grape-Nuts

10. Procol Harum
A Whiter Shade of Hair

11. Leo Sayer
You Make Me Feel Like Napping

12. The Temptations
Papa Has A Kidney Stone

13. Abba
Denture Queen

14. Tony  Orlando
Knock 3 Times (on the Ceiling if You Hear Me Fall)

15. Helen Reddy
I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore

16. Willie Nelson
On the Throne Again

17. Lesley Gore
It's My Procedure and I'll Cry if I Want To

When Yogurt Is Not Really Yogurt: Buyer Beware

I love Greek yogurt.  Since its wide availability on the market in recent years, it's become a staple of my diet: I eat it almost every day.  (Sometimes plain, though admittedly, most often in some fancy flavour with the added sugar.)  I just made an interesting discovery, though: some of my Greek Yogurt is apparently not yogurt anymore.  Keep this in mind next time you are at the store.

A few weeks ago I stocked up on my weekly grocery run.  As I was grabbing a container out of the fridge to take to work and eat as part of my lunch, something caught my eye.   This container didn't actually have the word "yogurt" on it.  I found that I had purchased two containers- from the same stack at the store- of Oikos Greek Key Lime flavour.   Turns out one was labelled "Greek Yogurt" in all the usual places, as always, but the other  one was labelled "Greek Recipe," and in fine print on the side was named "Dairy Snack" instead of yogurt.  Dairy Snack?  What the sneck is that?  

I did a little poking around, and it appears (by my interpretation of the regulations) that if water is added (or added back) to a yogurt product, it can't legally be called "yogurt" anymore in the USA.  Aha!  Perhaps they are diluting and thinning the yogurt by adding extra water- and helping the profit margin.  

I then compared the ingredients and nutrition information carefully.  The nutrition info on the labels are exactly the same- no difference in calories, fat, protein, calcium, etc. In the ingredient list, voila!, there was slightly more water in the Dairy Snack (water comes right before cream on the ingredient list) than the Greek Yogurt (water comes right after cream on the ingredient list).   So the additional water may indeed be the explanation of why the in the Dairy Snack is not a lot.   

BUT! here's the big deal- there is no mention anywhere on the label or ingredient list of the Dairy Snack of specific bacterial cultures, no strains of bacteria are listed on the ingredients, and the phrase "contains live and active cultures" is not on the label of the Dairy Snack (while they're still on the Greek Yogurt container).  If one reason you eat yogurt is for the probiotic effects, you won't get it from a "Dairy Snack."   I will watch very carefully from now on. Buyer beware...

COMPUTERS: ARE THEY MALE OR FEMALE?

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'  'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1.. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model...

The women won.

COLONOSCOPY HUMOR

This list has been going around for a while: alleged actual comments made by patients (predominately male) about to undergo (or immediately after) colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before!"

2. "Find the missing Malaysian airliner in there?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Oh boy! That was sphincterrific!"

5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

6. "You know in Arkansas we're now legally married."

7. "Any sign of Amelia Earhart, Doc?"

8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"

11. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

12. "You used to be an executive at Enron didn't you?" 



13. "This reminds me of my last IRS audit!" 

And the best one of them all...

14. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is in fact not up there?"

SIGHTS AND SAYINGS OF TEXAS

SUPER BOWL PREDICTION

TOM GILL PREDICTS that today's Super Bowl will NOT be a close game: the victorious team will win by at least 12 points.

AN OLD FARMER'S ADVICE

              (Well-known, but author unknown.)

• Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight, and bull-strong.
• Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
• Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
• A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
• Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
• Meanness don't jus' happen overnight.
• Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
• Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
• It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
• You cannot unsay a cruel word.
• Every path has a few puddles.
• When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
• The best sermons are lived, not preached.
• Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen, anyway.
• Don't judge folks by their relatives.
• Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
• Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
• Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
• Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
• If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
• Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
• The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every morning.
• Always drink upstream from the herd.
• Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
• Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
• If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
• Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly: Leave the rest to God.

THOUGHTS STOLEN FROM MANY

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you... but it's still on my list.

Some people appear bright, until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up: we only learn how to act in public.

World War III will not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is understanding a tomato is a fruit.  Wisdom is not putting tomatoes in a fruit salad.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.  To steal from many is research.

I didn't say it was your fault: I said I was blaming you.

When filling out an application, where it says "in case of emergency, please notify," I put "Doctor."

You don't need a parachute to skydive once. You need a parachute to skydive twice.

Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana.

Describe yourself in three words: "Lazy."

I missed you!  But my aim is improving.

On the other hand, I have four fingers and a thumb.

I got a new coat for my wife.  I think it was a fair swap.

I'd like to help you out.  Which way did you come in?

A friend in need is a friend to avoid.

I thought I had child-proofed my house, but they keep getting in!

Good to the last drop.  What's wrong with the last drop?

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.  If the doctor is sexy, keep the apple away.

I haven't slept for ten days.  That would be way too long to sleep.

A Message From Mickey Moose

MATHEMATICAL BELATED HOLIDAY GREETING

Given                                                                          2 m r [i cos r² – sin r²] = dx/dr

Separate variables                                                      2 m r dr [i cos r² – sin r²] = dx

Divide both sides by m                                                2 r dr [i cos r² – sin r²] = dx/m

Express each side as an integral                                 ∫ 2 r dr [i cos r² – sin r²] = ∫ dx/m

Integrate                                                                     cos r² + i sin r² + c₁ = x/m + c₂

Subtract c₂  from both sides                                        cos r² + i sin r² + c₁ – c₂= x/m

c₁ – c₂ = c² for some c                                                 cos r² + i sin r² + c² = x/m

Multiply both sides by m                                             m [cos r² + i sin r²] + m c²= x

E = m c²                                                                       m [cos r² + i sin r²] + E = x

Subtract E from both sides                                         m [cos r² + i sin r²] = x – E

De Moivre’s rule:  exp (ø i) = cos ø + i sin ø               m exp (r² i) = x – E

E (work) = force . distance                                         m exp (r² i) = x – F.s

F (force) = mass times acceleration                           m exp (r² i) = x – mas

r² = rr                                                                           m exp (rri) = x – mas

exp (a) = e^a                                                                  m e^rri = x – mas

(Apparently originated with Brett Stevens, “Seasonal Greeting,” in the New Scientist, 21-28 December 1991)

PREDICTION

TOM GILL PREDICTS:  If Jim Harbaugh is fired by the San Francisco 49ers after the end of the 2014 regular season, and a new coach is not immediately named, look for Adam Gase (currently offensive coordinator for the Denver Broncos) to get the job- at least be officially interviewed.

THE LAWYER AND THE SENIOR CITIZEN

(Note: There are many versions of this, involving "a lawyer and a Blonde," "a hardware engineer and a software engineer," "an American and a Nigerian," "a white man and a Native American," "a medical doctor and an engineer," "a Russian and a Ukranian," "an Indian and a Pakistani," "an Italian and an Irishman," "a Yankee fan and a Red Sox fan," etc.)

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.   The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.   So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.   The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.   The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun ... "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then, you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.   This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game with him.   The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"   The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.   Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"   The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references  and, he can't find anything on the InterNet. He sends E-mails to all the smart  friends he knows; and all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.   He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.   The lawyer is going nuts now, not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up again and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four??"   The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.