Science Is Inherently Political

As I write this it is the eve of Earth Day, when scientists and supporters of science are preparing to March for Science, in Washington DC and hundreds of other cities.  Many of my friends will be marching, while others have decided not to.  March or not, there are many justifiable reasons to decide either way.  But don’t say, “I’m not marching because science shouldn’t be political.”

I’ve got news for you: Science is political, science is inherently political, like it or not.  It surely need not be partisan- but it can’t help be political.

I am a professional in the field of earth and environmental sciences, and my discipline has always been about as political as any topic get.   Galileo, pursuing what we’d now call planetary science, was persecuted by the Roman Inquisition and put under house arrest by the authorities for showing that the Earth was not the center of the universe.  After Benjamin Franklin’s experiments on atmospheric electricity, he and his lightning rods were blamed for subsequent environmental disasters and almost squelched by politicians claiming Franklin had disrupted the balance of Nature.    

Today, petroleum geology experiences political magnification from all ends of the political spectrum, whether it’s “drill, baby, drill”, or “divest from all fossil fuels now.”  Many of the same issues are associated with mining and extraction of minerals, sand, and other resources investigated by economic geologists.  Environmental geologists deal with pollution of the air, water, and land- subject to strident political debates over whether contaminants should be regulated, and to what levels.  My hydrology colleagues deal with water, probably the most contentious political issue in the West  (legend has it that it was Mark Twain who said, “whiskey is for drinking: water is for fighting over”).  The seemingly-benign weather forecast can be a political hot potato: living on the border, at one time Federally-employed meteorologists in my city could get into big trouble with the powers-that-be for forecasting or warning about storms in an area “out of their jurisdiction.”  Even plate tectonics, the unifying paradigm of modern geology, offends those who are certain that the Earth is only thousands of years old.

Two of the most politically controversial issues in science are central to my discipline: evolution, and climate change.  Here in Texas, State House representatives filed bills in the current legislative session to constrain the teaching of evolution and to bar evidence of climate change from being used in many court cases.  Other states have attempted to legislate away sea level rise, and to mandate the teaching of young-Earth creationism.  You may not want science to be political, but politicians will keep feeling free to intervene in our science.

So march, or not: there are many legitimate reasons you may choose to publicly demonstrate, or to take a pass on it.  The scientific method is objective irrespective of political party, and Mother Earth doesn’t care whether you’re progressive or conservative, marching or staying home;  Gaia’s going to do what Gaia’s going to do.  Science shouldn’t be partisan.   But don’t say that it can’t be politicized- that train left a long, long time ago.

HOW TO INSTALL A REDNECK HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots

2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans,    a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads: "Hey Bubba! Big Jim, Duke and I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.

PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside." 

INSTALLATION COMPLETE!!!!

IF THE MUSICAL "CATS" WERE PERFORMED BY ACTUAL CATS

[Based on a TOM GILL PREDICTS originally published in the year 2000]

"Cats" was the longest-running musical on Broadway at the time it closed.  As a review of my original Y2K TGP posting stated, "The show romanticizes and shrouds in mystery the lives and habits of America's most popular pet. Yet, even with the lively dancing and popular songs, "Cats" doesn't seem to capture the true-to-life behavior of our feline companions. Below is a list of what "Cats" would have to do to more accurately portray the true essence of cats..."

* Audience members would enter the auditorium only to find their seats had been clawed and covered with fur.

* The antagonist in the show would be a giant vacuum cleaner.

* Sometimes the cast would perform, but sometimes not - depending on their mood.

* Performers would leap off the stage and run up the aisles at the recorded sound of a can opener in the lobby.

* When certain audience members opened their playbills, a cast member would attempt to lie down on it.

* In the middle of a performance various cast members would curl up and go to sleep, even in the middle of a song.

* For no apparent reason, cast members would randomly run to the lobby, and then back to the stage at top speed. They would then continue as if nothing had happened.

* A special audience member would find a headless bird in his/her seat after the intermission.

* Snack bar employees would constantly be reprimanding cast members for walking on the counter.

* Open the stall door and guess who is drinking from the toilet?

* Part of the performance would include the cast climbing and shredding the theater curtains.

* The stage would be stained from someone coughing up a hairball and then eating it.

* Performers would find sand in the lobby ashtrays and - well, we don't have to draw a picture here, do we?

* The show would need to be stopped several times to allow cast members to "bathe" themselves.

* Most of the final act would consist of the cast just staring at the audience.

* The big finale would feature a giant ball of yarn, feathers on a pole, and stray strands of dental floss.

* Theater patrons waiting outside the stage door after performances would get their legs rubbed, if they were lucky.

* Cast members would never cash their paychecks, just play with them.

THE FROG AND THE SNAKE AND THE FISHERMAN

A FISHING STORY

I went fishing this morning, but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a cottonmouth snake with a frog in his mouth. "Frogs are good bass bait!," I thought to myself.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Just then, I realized I had a problem, how was I going to release the snake without getting bit? So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. The snake's eyes rolled back and he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge at my foot. There was that same snake with two more frogs in his mouth.

Life is good when you're fishin'.

GREAT TRUTHS LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

  

Proverbs Rewritten By Kids- Part II

An elementary school teacher gave his students the first half of a well known saying, and asked them to finish it.  Here are some of the alleged results.                                  

[This has been going around for so long it's practically a folk tale in itself by now.]

(Part I was posted last week) 

A bird in the hand…. Will poop on you.

Better late than… pregnant.

Where there’s smoke, there’s… pollution.

A penny saved is… not much.

When the blind lead the blind,… get out of the way.

Two’s company, three’s… Musketeers.

Don’t put off tomorrow what… you put on to go to bed.

There are none so blind as… Stevie Wonder.

Children should be seen and not… grounded.

You get out of something only what you… see in the picture on the box.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and… you have to blow your nose.

Happy the bride who… gets all the presents.

If you first you don’t succeed,… reboot the computer.

Proverbs Rewritten By Kids

An elementary school teacher gave his students the first half of a well known saying, and asked them to finish it.  Here are some of the alleged results. [This has been going around for so long it's practically a folk tale in itself by now.]
(Part II next week) 

Don't change horses... until they stop running.
Strike while the... bug is close.
It's always darkest before... Daylight Savings Time.
Never underestimate the power of... termites.
You can lead a horse to water, but... why?
Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.
No news is... impossible.
A miss is as good as a... Mister.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll... stink.
Love all, trust... me.
The pen is mightier than the... pig.
An idle mind is... the best way to relax.

MORE PUNS

He thought it was fog, but he mist.

She said she recognized me from the Vegetarian Society, but I'd never seen herbivore.

I wrote the script for a performance about puns.  It was a play on words.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What does a clock do when it's hungry?  Goes back four seconds.

When I was a kid we went on a school field trip to the soft drink factory.  It was followed by a pop quiz.

?Cuantos estrellas hay en el cielo? !Cincuenta!

A man from Panama said he could make himself disappear.  He counted, "uno, dos..." and he was gone without a tres.

I was up all night trying to figure out where the sun had gone to.  Then it dawned on me.

I didn't like my beard at first.  But then it grew on me.

Got a bladder infection?  Urine trouble!

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME

(From the Internet.  Original origin unknown.)

�

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

�

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

�

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

�

What disease did cured ham actually have?

�

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

�

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

�

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

�

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

�

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?

They're going to see you naked anyway.

�

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

�

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

�

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?�

�

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

�

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

�

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

�

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

�

Why, Why, Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

�

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

�

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four�

billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

�

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

�

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

�

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

�

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

�

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

�

Why do people keep running over a thread a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner,

then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

�

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

�

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

�

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

�

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

�

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

Ten Thoughts To Start The Year

1. My goal for 2016 was to lose ten pounds.  Only fifteen more to go!

2. I ate a salad for dinner.  Mostly croutons and tomatoes.  OK, really one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce and cheese and sausage.  FINE, I ate a pizza.

3. How to prepare tofu: 1. Throw it in the trash.  2. Grill some meat.

4. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

5. I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

6.  A recent study has shown that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

7. Kids today don't know how good they have it.  Back when I was their age, I had to get up and walk ten feet over shag carpet to change the TV channel.

8. I may not be funny or good looking or athletic or talented or rich... oh, I forgot where I was going with this.

9. I love being over 50 years old.  Every day I learn a new thing, and forget five others.

10.  I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

THE TEXAS STATE TROOPER AND THE JUGGLER

A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on Interstate 35 a few miles south of Waco. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He was behind schedule and didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him, then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got out five flares, lit them and handed them to him.  The man juggled them skillfully and impressively.

While the man was juggling, a pickup truck pulled in behind the State Trooper's car. A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk guy what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”

SOCIAL MEDIA, EXPLAINED

Twitter: “I’m eating a donut.”

Facebook: “I like donuts.”

Foursquare: “This is where I eat donuts.”

Instagram: “Here’s a vintage-style photo of a donut.”

Youtube: “Here I am eating a donut.”

LinkedIn: “My skills include eating donuts.”

Pinterest: “Here’s a recipe for donuts.”

Last.fm: “Now listening to ‘donuts’.”

Google Plus: “I’m a Google employee who eats donuts.”

PUNS

Stealing someone's coffee... is that called mugging?

The other day I held the door open for a clown.  It was a nice jester.

Pasteurize- too far to see.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

Whoever invented "knock-knock" jokes should get a no-bell prize.

Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.

Kulula Airlines

(Original source unknown)

Kulula is a low-cost South African regional airline that doesn't take itself too seriously. Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced,
"People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it !"
---o0o---

On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said,
"Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
----o0o---

On landing, the stewardess said,
"Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it 's something we'd like to have."
----o0o---

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
---o0o---

"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
---o0o---

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:
"Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
---o0o--

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo, a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
---o0o---

>From a Kulula employee:
"Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
---o0o---

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
---o0o---

"Weather at our destination is 30 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."
----o0o---

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
---o0o---

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."
---o0o---

And from the pilot during his welcome message:
"Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
---o0o—

Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,
"That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
---o0o—

Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
---o0o—

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
---o0o—

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline". He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
"Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it ?"
The little old lady said,
"Did we land, or were we shot down?"
---o0o—

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg, the attendant came on with,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.."
---o0o—

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."
---o0o—

Heard on a Kulula flight:
"Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em." 

ENGINEERING FLOW CHART

THINGS PATIENTS HAVE TOLD THEIR DOCTORS- part 2

(Original source unknown, compiled from messages forwarded to me by various people)

1.  The doctor had to explain to a patient that Band-Aids do not actually cure anything, they just cover up (and occasionally medicate) a wound.  The woman had practically covered herself in Band-Aids, hoping to treat her newly diagnosed diabetes.

2. A diabetic woman kept coming in for checkups with extremely high blood sugar levels. As she had been counselled to avoid consuming sugar, it was hard to determine why the levels were so high.  Finally, in the course of another conversation, she explained that she had been having several Slurpees every day.  "They're really not a drink, because they're kind of frozen, and they're not food, so they don't count," she exclaimed. 

3. A man came in for examination of a suspicious growth on his chest.  The physician had to tell him, "Sir, that's your nipple.  Everybody has them, even men."

4. The patient complained that her inhaler didn't seem to be working.  Eventually it turned out that she had been spraying it onto her chest.

5. A patient was prescribed a drug that was delivered in the form of patches.  Before his next appointment, he called in to say he was "running out of space."  His body was nearly covered in patches: he had not been advised to remove the old patches before sticking on the new ones.

6. Patient complained to doctor that everyone- including him- thought he was dirty.  Turned out that he was offended that nurses, attendants, etc. were observed washing their hands/applying sanitizer in his presence.

7. Patient was prescribed an inhaler because he had an allergy to cats.  Came back later with no relief.  Turns out he was spraying the inhaler on his cat.

THINGS PATIENTS HAVE TOLD THEIR DOCTORS

(Original source unknown, compiled from messages forwarded to me by various people)

1. Overheard in a waiting room:

Man 1: My daughter is allergic to wheat.

Man 2: So she can't eat bread or anything?
Man 1: We only give her white bread.
Man 2: Oh yeah, I guess bread only has wheat if it says it on there. Like whole wheat or whatever.
Man 1: Yeah, I guess.
Man 2: So can she eat pizza?
Man 1: Only cheese pizza.

2. Patient was a newly diagnosed diabetic who needed to be taught how to inject insulin. So the diabetes educator did the good old routine of taking an orange, drawing up insulin, then injecting it into the orange. He then made the patient repeat this practice routine a few times.

The patient comes back in a week and his blood sugar is out of control. They ask him if he's been taking his insulin and he goes "of course." So they decide to ask him to demonstrate how he injects insulin. The patient goes "sure, I just need an orange."

At this point I started face palming hard because I know where this one is heading. But of course they got him a orange and a vial of insulin with a syringe. So the guy draws up the insulin correctly, takes the syringe, injects it into the orange, and says "and then I eat the orange."

3. I’m not a medical doctor. I have a PhD in History, but apparently lots of people think that just because I have a DOCTORATE of Philosophy, it means they can ask me about their disgusting medical issues.  I can't prescribe you medication, and I won't look at your rash.

4. A woman had to have her foot amputated and was given waiver forms to sign before the surgery. The patient is asked if she needs time to think about her decision. She’s surprisingly calm and nonchalant, she doesn't seem to worry much that she is losing her limb.  The doctor gets suspicious and probes a bit further, asking why she’s not more concerned. The patient says she understands that they have to operate, but that “it’s okay, I know the foot grows back.”   At which point the surgeon explained to the woman that she is a human, not a lizard.

5. A couple came in, both upset and confused about the fact that the woman had become pregnant. They stressed the fact that they were on birth control, specifically they were on "the pill." However, before I could say anything, the boyfriend quietly took me aside and explained to me that his girlfriend “has a weak stomach and can’t take pills" so he was taking them instead.

6.  A woman came in for an infant health check with her six-month old and she had what looked like chocolate milk in the baby's bottle. The doctor started explaining to her as kindly as he could that she shouldn't be giving her baby chocolate milk, at which point she interrupts him and says "Oh, no, that isn't chocolate milk, I'd never give that to him, chocolate milk is full of sugar.  No, it's coffee! He just loves it!"

Football prediction for 2016 NFL season

TOM GILL PREDICTS that at least once in the new NFL season which is currently starting, at least one of the following two things will happen:

(A) A team will score a touchdown with no time left on the clock, to tie the game.  They will attempt to kick the extra point to win the game... but the kick will be blocked, and the defensive team will run the ball all the way into the other end zone to win the game for THEM.

or

(B) With the score tied, a team will attempt a long field goal as time expires to win the game.  The kick will be no good, and the defensive team will run the ball all the way into the other end zone to win the game for THEM (i.e., the "kick six.")

9/11/2001

In January 2001, I had an extremely vivid dream: honestly, it felt like the most vivid dream I had ever had in my life.

Bush vs. Gore had just been decided by the Supreme Court, and George W. Bush was going to become President. I dreamed that for some reason, I was attending his inauguration ceremony.  I was in a long receiving line held on the roof of a tall building, waiting to go up to Mr. Bush and shake his hand. Just as I got up to the end of the line and was starting to shake his hand and telling him something like, "congratulations, Mr. President, good luck," Dick Cheney came running up and whispered something into Bush's ear. Bush immediately turned ashen- as if the blood had suddenly drained out of him- and he told me, "Now that Cheney tells me what's going to happen here, I'm not sure I want to be President any more."

In my dream, this was all taking place atop the World Trade Center.

Dear Journal Editor, It's Me Again

(My scientist and academician friends may identify with this.  The original source may have been someone named Ray Baumeister.)


Dear Sir, Madame, or Other:

Enclosed is our latest version of MS# 85-02-02-22-RRRRR, that is, the re-re-re-revised revision of our paper.  Choke on it.  We have again rewritten the entire manuscript from start to finish.  We even changed the &%$#$! running head!  Hopefully we have suffered enough by now to satisfy even you and your bloodthirsty reviewers.

I shall skip the usual point-by-point description of every single change we made in response to the critiques.  After all, its fairly clear that your reviewers are less interested in details of scientific procedure than in working out their personality problems and sexual frustrations by seeking some kind of demented glee in the sadistic and arbitrary exercise of tyrannical power over hapless authors like ourselves who happen to fall into their clutches.  We do understand that, in view of the misanthropic psychopaths you have on your editorial board, you need to keep sending them papers, for if they weren't reviewing manuscripts they'd probably be out mugging old ladies or clubbing baby seals to death. Still, from this batch of reviewers, C was clearly the most hostile, and we request that you not ask him or her to review this revision.  Indeed, we have mailed letter bombs to four or five people we suspected of being reviewer C, so if you send the manuscript back to them the review process could be unduly delayed.

Some of the reviewers' comments we couldn't do anything about.  For example, if (as reviewer C suggested) several of my recent ancestors were indeed drawn from other species, it is too late to change that.  Other suggestions were implemented, however, and the paper has improved and benefited.  Thus, you suggested that we shorten the manuscript by 5 pages, and we were able to accomplish this very effectively by altering the margins and printing the paper in a different font with a smaller typeface.  We agree with you that the paper is much better this way.

One perplexing problem was dealing with suggestions # 13-28 by Reviewer B.  As you may recall (that is, if you even bother reading the reviews before doing your decision letter), that reviewer listed 16 works that he/she felt we should cite in this paper.  These were on a variety of different topics, none of which had any relevance to our work that we could see.  Indeed, one was an essay on the Spanish-American War from a high school literary magazine.  The only common thread was that all 16 were by the same author, presumably someone whom Reviewer B greatly admires and feels should be more widely cited.  To handle this, we have modified the Introduction and added, after the review of relevant literature, a subsection entitled "Review of Irrelevant Literature" that discusses these articles and also duly addresses some of the more asinine suggestions in the other reviews.

We hope that you will be pleased with this revision and will finally recognize how urgently deserving of publication this work is.  If not, then you are an unscrupulous, depraved monster with no shred of human decency. You ought to be in a cage.  May whatever heritage you come from be the butt of the next round of ethnic jokes.  If you do accept it, however, we wish to thank you for your patience and wisdom throughout this process and to express our appreciation of your scholarly insights.  To repay you, we would be happy to review some manuscripts for you; please send us the next manuscript that any of these reviewers submits to your journal.

Assuming you accept this paper, we would also like to add a footnote acknowledging your help with this manuscript and to point out that we liked the paper much better the way we originally wrote it, but you held the editorial shotgun to our heads and forced us chop, reshuffle, restate, hedge expand, shorten, and in general covert a meaty paper into stir-fried vegetables.  We couldn't or wouldn't have done it without your input.

Sincerely,

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF CHILDREN

(Circulating around the internet: Author unknown)
From the mouths of children...comes some really funny stuff! 
Check out these (alleged) real answers from real kids taking science exams.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight! between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized (e.g., abdomen, etc.)?
A: The body is consisted into three parts—the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"?
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

The Fisherman and the Businessman (an Allegory of a Story)

A story is told about an American businessman who was on vacation in Central America (or, in some versions, it's Africa). While at the beach, he saw a local fisherman docking at shore with many fish in tow.  The American complimented the fisherman on his catch and asked him how long it took him to catch that many fish.
“Not long, a couple of hours.”
“So why didn’t you stay out longer and catch more?” asked the tourist.
“Because this is enough for me and my family,” he was told.
The businessman persisted. “So what do you do with the rest of your time?”
“I sleep late, fish for a while, play with my children, take a nap and spend time with my wife,” said the fisherman. “In the evening, I go into the village to visit my friends. I have a few drinks, play the guitar and sing a few songs. I have a full life.”
The American couldn’t believe his ears. “I am a successful businessman and I can help you,” he said. “You should spend more time on the water fishing. You can sell the extra fish, make more money, and buy a bigger boat.”
Fisherman: “And after that?”
“Use the extra money made from the bigger boat,” said the businessman. “to buy a few boats and hire more people to operate a fleet of fishing vessels.”
“All of this fish will give you market leverage. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can start to negotiate directly with the buyers. After a while, you would be able to open your own plant. Then you could leave this little village for the big city and maybe even New York! From there you could operate the whole business.”
“How long would that take?” asked the fisherman. “Somewhere between 20-25 years,” came the reply. “What next?”
“Well, that’s when the fun starts,” explained the tourist. “When the business gets really big, you can sell stock in the company and make millions!”
“Wow, millions. This is getting interesting. What happens after I earn millions?” asked the fisherman.
“After that you’ll be able to retire on the coast, sleep in every day, do some fishing, play with your grandkids, take naps and spend time with your wife. In the evenings, you will be able to go out drinking and singing with your friends.”
The fisherman just shrugged his shoulders and walked away.

SCOTTISH VS. IRISH VS. ENGLISH: TRADITIONAL SONGS

In response to this week's BREXIT vote, and the likely repercussion of a Scottish vote on independence from Britain and possibility of Ulster joining Ireland, we start with the Canonical List Of Scottish Folk Song Themes.   (Origin of the following content is unknown and apocryphal)

Everyone I Love Is Dead

The English Have Stolen All My Sheep

You Want To Be My Boyfriend? First You Must Answer These Riddles Three

I Love You A Lot But You’ve Left Me And It’s Raining [fiddle solo]

The Sea Is Treacherous, Just Like The English

One Time Bonnie Prince Charlie Punched Me In The Face And It Was Awesome

The Fairies Have Stolen All My Sheep

We have of course the traditional Irish music genres to go with them:

* Everyone I Love Is An Allegorical Representation of Ireland

* The English Stole My Farm And Put Sheep On It

* You Were My Boyfriend But Now You Won’t Even Come To The Window To Look Upon Me And Our Dead Infant Child (In The Rain)

* Whack Fol Too La Roo Umptytiddly Good They’ve Stopped Listening Now Let’s Talk About Revolution

* Something In Gaelic, I Think It’s About Fairies, Or Maybe A Cow

On the other hand, consider the English folk tradition:

I Met a Girl and We Went Hunting (It Was a Metaphor for Sex)

I Met a Girl and We Caught Some Birds (It Was a Metaphor for Sex)

I Met a Girl and We Found Her Lost Pet (It Was a Metaphor for Sex)

I Met a Girl By Staying At Her Parents’ House and She Made My Bed (It Was an Especially Thinly-Veiled Metaphor for Sex)

I Am a Girl and I Regret Engaging In Metaphors for Sex Because Now I’m Pregnant

I Met a Girl and Bribed Her Into Sex But She Stole My Horse and Ran Away With It

I Met a Girl At an Inn and We Had Non-Metaphorical Sex But She Stole My Stuff The Next Morning and Now I Have Syphilis

Your Fiance Died Either at Trafalgar or Waterloo, Let’s Get Married, I’m Glad You Said No Because I’m Really Him In Disguise

Lord Nelson Sure Was Awesome

The Press-Gang Dragged Off All the Important Men in My Life (And Now They Are Dead)

Farm Laborers Are The Salt of the Earth And Are Never Grindingly Poor

Begging Is a Completely Viable Career Option With Flexible Hours and Unlimited Access to Alcohol

Meanwhile, they all have one common theme, the ever popular “I am very drunk and intend to brag about my sexual exploits/ make fun of the sexual misadventures of others”

CHILDREN USING LOGIC

Teacher: How old is your father?

Kid: He is 6 years old.

Teacher: What?  How is that possible?
Kid: He became a father only when I was born.

Teacher: Maria, go to the map and find North America.

Maria: (goes to map) Here it is.

Teacher: Now, class, who discovered North America?
Children, in unison: Maria!

Teacher: Glenn, how do you spell “crocodile”?

Glenn: k- r- o- k- a- d- i- a- l.

Teacher: That’s incorrect.

Glenn: No, it isn’t.  That’s how *I* spell it!

Teacher: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

Donald: H I J K L M N O

Teacher: That’s incorrect.

Donald: Why?  In your lesson you said it was H to O.

Teacher: Juan, your essay “My Dog” is exactly the same as your brother’s.  Did you copy from him?

Juan: No, it’s the same dog!

Science, Explained

Science, Explained
I recently found this in my files, dated October 1995. They're supposedly real exam answers given by junior high, high school, and college students.
______________________________________________________
"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube."
"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
"Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
"The body consists of three parts: the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."
"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
"Liter: A nest of young puppies."
"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."
"For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration."
"For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."
"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat."
"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

My Encounter With Muhammad Ali

About twenty-five years ago, when I was living in Davis, California, several of my friends and I decided to take a trip to Disneyland.

We had a great time all morning, and eventually found ourselves in an obscure, uncrowded and quite out-of-the-way corner of the park, where we basically stumbled upon a large group having some sort of picnic.  One of my friends did a double-take: the leader of the group was none other than Muhammad Ali!  "The Greatest" motioned for us to come over and join the gathering: each of us shook hands with him, exchanged greetings and had our picture taken with Ali.   He was extremely gracious.  I'm not sure but I think we even had a bite to eat from their picnic offerings.  Later, we all agreed that never in our lives would any of us ever meet a more famous and influential person.

When I have some time, I'll dig deep through my old photo albums and try to find that photo with Ali.  I hope it's still intact.  [If so, I'll post it one of these days.]

[Coda: A year or two later, we decided to go back to Disneyland for a return visit.  This time, of all things, we crossed paths with Michael Jackson and his entourage.  We saw him, but were outside the swarm-of-bees-like crowd surrounding Michael.   Later that day, I overheard one of my friends- from South America- calling his wife and saying, "Wow, Disneyland is amazing.  Every time you go there, you run in to a global superstar!  First Muhammad Ali, now Michael Jackson! They never publicize that!"]