IT STARTS WITH A STRAY CAT

This week be bring you back to TOM GILL PREDICTS-  Volume Fifteen, Number Twenty-Two
October 29, 2000, and an item originally forwarded by Alice Gomez.
*****************************************************************************

Stray cats will not be fed.

Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat
food moistened with a little milk.

Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat
food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and
leftover fish scraps.

Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked
up and cuddled unnecessarily.

Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and
cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.

Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed
inside the house at any time.

Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to
jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.

Stray cats will be permitted on furniture but must
sharpen claws on new $114.99 sisal rope scratching
post with three perches.

Stray cats will sleep outside.

Stray cats will sleep in the garage.

Stray cats will sleep in the house, but not in my bed.

Stray cats will sleep in our bed, but not under the covers.

Stray cats will not play on the desk.

Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer.

Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer
keyboard on the desk when the human is using it.

Stray cats will not CJDJBEFUBEDBVKJB KNCX ZXMNLJN! 

BEWARE OF GREEKS BEARING GIFTS

This week we reprint a classic from TOM GILL PREDICTS-  Volume 15, No. 49, from March 2001.

It is based by an email chain letter that was going around the Internet 13 years ago.
************************************************************************************************
Imagine if the ancient world had email... and set yourself in ancient Troy, in what turned out to
be the final days of the Trojan War.   And imagine that you had been copied in to these emails.


=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
 FROM: laocoon@doomgloom.edu <mailto:laocoon@doomgloom.edu>
TO: hector@studmuffin.com <mailto:hector@studmuffin.com>



 Hey Hector,

This was forwarded to me by Cassandra--it looks legit. Please
distribute to Priam, Hecuba, and your 99 siblings.

Thanks,
Laocoon

=========================================
WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!

IF YOU RECEIVE A GIFT IN THE SHAPE OF A LARGE WOODEN HORSE DO NOT
ACCEPT IT!!!! It is EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE and will destroy  your ENTIRE CITY!

The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories
tall. It tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to be abandoned.

DO NOT let it through the gates! It contains hardware that is incompatible with Trojan
programming, including a crowd of heavily armed Greek warriors that will destroy your army,
sack your town, and kill your women and children. If you have already received such a gift,
DO NOT OPEN IT! Take it back out of the city unopened and set fire to it by the beach.

FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!

from Poseidon

 =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

FROM: hector@studmuffin.com <mailto:hector@studmuffin.com>
TO: laocoon@doomgloom.edu <mailto:laocoon@doomgloom.edu>
RE: Greeks bearing gifts

 Laocoon,

I hate to break to you, but this is one of the oldest hoaxes there is. I've seen variants on this
warning come through on other listservs, one involving some kind of fruit that was supposed
to kill the people who ate it and one having to do with something called the "Midas Touch."

Here are a few tipoffs that this is a hoax:

1) This "Forward this message to everyone you know" crap. If it were really meant as a warning
about the Greek army, why tell anyone to post it to the Phonecians, Sumerians, and Cretans?

2) Use of exclamation points. Always a giveaway.

3) It's signed "from Poseidon." Granted he's had his problems with Odysseus but he's one of
their guys, isn't he? Besides, the lack of a real header with a detailed address makes me suspicious.

4) Technically speaking, there is no way for one horse to destroy your entire city. A horse is just an
animal, after all.

Next time you get a message like this, just delete it. I appreciate your concern, but once you've
been around the block a couple times you'll realize how annoying this kind of stuff is.

Bye now,

Hector

THE FOREIGNER'S TRAVEL GUIDE TO TEXAS

This week, we revisit TOM GILL PREDICTS Volume 15, No. 54 from early 2001, and an

item originally forwarded by Jeff Lee- The Foreigner's Travel Guide to Texas.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Those of you who are not from the Lone Star State might find the following advice helpful:

Don't expect to find sushi or pasta primavera at the local restaurant. It's
a cafe. They serve burgers and chicken fried steak. Let them cook something
they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

Don't laugh at names like Lee Roy, Billy Bob, Billy Joe, Billy Ray, Tammy
Sue, Bubba or Sissy or you'll get your ass kicked.

Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. In Texas it's called a coke (or,
in some places, a coldrink- that's with one syllable, mind you.)  Nobody gives
a darn whether it's Pepsi, Mountain Dew, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever, we call it a 
coke or coldrink. Accept it or you're in for an ass kicking.

We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (read some J.
Frank Dobie). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer than
you. Don't refer to us as hay seeds, goat ropers or hicks or you'll get your
ass kicked.  And WHATEVER you do, NEVER call us an "Okie."

We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Howard Hughes, H. Ross Perot,
Southwest Airlines, Dell Computers). Naturally, sometimes we have small
lapses in judgment (e.g., Phil Gramm). Certainly, we are not stupid enough
to let someone move to our state just so they can run for the United States
Senate. If anyone tried to do that here, they would get their ass kicked.

Don't laugh at our war monuments. If Lee had listened to General Hood you'd
be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. When you visit the Alamo,
take your hat off and be properly humbled or we'll kick your ass.

We are fully aware of how hot it gets and high the humidity is, so shut up
about it. If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen, or we'll kick
your ass.

Do not attempt to eat tamales without first removing the cornhusk casing.
Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee and think you're stupid. DO
NOT, under any circumstances, ever say the chili is too hot or your steak
is too rare. Such talk will generate a serious ass kicking.

Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know they are
not. We've been to your hellholes like Detroit, Chicago, New York and Hollywood,
and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready
when you are. Haul your happy ass back home before it gets kicked back.

Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We say things like "ain't," "fixin'
to" and "ya'll" so we won't sound like you. We don't care if you understand
us or not. We Texans understand each other and that's all that matters.
Leave us be or we'll kick your ass.

Don't complain that certain parts of this state "smell" like oil. Oil is
Texas Gold and besides, if your livelihood depended on those wells you'd
love the aroma like we do.  None of our lakes or rivers have caught fire
lately so don't you dare whine about our scenic beauty or you'll get your
ass kicked.

Don't ridicule our Texas manners. We say grace, sir and ma'am and we hold
the door for our women and old folks. Such things are expected here. Behave
yourselves around our sweet little old grandmothers cause they can kick some
ass too.

Don't think we're simpletons or losers because many of us live in small
towns. We do this because we have enough sense to not live in crime infested
cesspools like Washington D.C. Make fun of our small towns and the whole
town will kick your ass.

DON'T YOU DARE tell us how to cook barbecue. That will get your ass shot.
Criticize the barbecue and you'll go home in a pine box-minus your ass.

Remember, the only reason you are lucky enough to be here in the first place
is because we have not yet moved the Border Patrol to the Red River where it
really belongs, to keep your ass out.

CLASSIFIED ADS

This week we revisit TOM GILL PREDICTS-  Volume Fifteen, Number Twenty-Eight from December 3, 2000.
****************************************************************
These items were supposedly taken from actual classified ads in newspapers in the 1990s.  Forwarded originally by Kathy Bachman.
  
    
    FREE PUPPIES:
    
    1/2 COCKER SPANIEL -
    
    1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
    
    _____________________
    
    FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER
    
    8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG
    
    _____________________
    
    FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD -
    
    PART STUPID DOG
    
    _____________________
    
    GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 LBS.
    
    NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
    
    _____________________
    
    FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.
    
    LOOKS LIKE A RAT...
    
    BEEN OUT AWHILE...
    
    _____________________
    
    1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -
    
    $850/offer
    
    _____________________
    
    AMANA WASHER $100
    
    OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR
    
    WHO SELDOM WASHED.
    
    _____________________
    
    SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...
    
    ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
    
    _____________________
    
    2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES:
    
    1 5-FINGER, 1-3-FINGER, PAIR: $15
    
    _____________________
    
    COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED...
    
    ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
    
    _____________________
    
    NORDIC TRACK $300
    
    HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBIE
    
    _____________________
    
    SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA -
    
    FREE CHOPSTICKS
    
    _____________________
    
    HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER
    
    "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
_________________________________
    
    GET A LITTLE JOHN:
    
    THE TRAVELING URINAL THAT
    
    HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER.
    
    _____________________
    
    HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
    
    _____________________
    
    GEORGIA PEACHES
    
    CALIFORNIA GROWN -
    
    89 cents lb.
    
    _____________________
    
    NICE PARACHUTE:
    
    NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE
    
    SLIGHTLY STAINED
    
    _____________________
    
    FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.
    
    _____________________
    
    AMERICAN FLAG
    
    60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED
    
    $100
    
    _____________________
    
    TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR?
    
    WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS.
    
    STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
    
    _____________________
    
    EXERCISE EQUIPMENT:
    
    QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS - $175
    
    _____________________
    
    OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB
    
    AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
    
    _____________________
    
    JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
    
    MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300
    _____________________
    
    LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.
    
    _____________________
    
    ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES
    
    FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.
    
    _____________________
    
    GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.
    
    _____________________
    
    OPEN HOUSE
    
    BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
    
    FREE COFFEE & DONUTS.
    
    _____________________
    
    FOR SALE BY OWNER
    
    Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45  volumes.
    
    Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer.
    
    No longer needed.
    
    Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

SWEATSHOP SHOES: Truth In Advertising?

We bring you back to TOM GILL PREDICTS-  Volume Fifteen, Number Forty-Five- from 2001,

and an item that was forwarded to me by email by "too many persons to mention." 

****************************************************************

A timely reminder of the limits of consumerism, for your reading
pleasure.  This has been confirmed to be true.

Nike let you personalize your shoes by submitting a word or
phrase which they will stitch onto your shoes, under the swoosh. So
Jonah Peretti filled out the form and sent them $50 to stitch
"SWEATSHOP" on to his shoes.

Here's the response he got...

 * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
From: "Personalize, NIKE iD" nikeid_personalize@nike.com
To: "'Jonah H. Peretti'" peretti@media.mit.edu
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Your NIKE iD order was cancelled for one or more of the following
reasons:

1) Your Personal iD contains another party's trademark or other
intellectual property

2) Your Personal iD contains the name of an athlete or team we do
   not have the legal right to use

3) Your Personal iD was left blank. Did you not want any
personalization?

4) Your Personal iD contains profanity or inappropriate slang, and
   besides, your mother would slap us.

If you wish to reorder your NIKE iD product with a new
personalization please visit us again at www.nike.com

Thank you, NIKE iD


From: "Jonah H. Peretti" peretti@media.mit.edu
To: "Personalize, NIKE iD" nikeid_personalize@nike.com
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Greetings,

My order was canceled but my personal NIKE iD does not violate any
of the criteria outlined in your message. The Personal iD on my
custom ZOOM XC USA running shoes was the word "sweatshop."

Sweatshop is not:

1) another's party's trademark,

2) the name of an athlete,

3) blank, or

4) profanity.

I choose the iD because I wanted to remember the toil and labor of
the children that made my shoes. Could you please ship them to me
immediately.

Thanks and Happy New Year, Jonah Peretti

From: "Personalize, NIKE iD" nikeid_personalize@nike.com
To: "'Jonah H. Peretti'" peretti@media.mit.edu
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Dear NIKE iD Customer,

Your NIKE iD order was cancelled because the iD you have chosen
contains, as stated in the previous e-mail correspondence,
"inappropriate slang". If you wish to reorder your NIKE iD product
with a new personalization please visit us again at nike.com

Thank you, NIKE iD


From: "Jonah H. Peretti" peretti@media.mit.edu
To: "Personalize, NIKE iD" nikeid_personalize@nike.com
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Dear NIKE iD,

Thank you for your quick response to my inquiry about my custom ZOOM
XC USA running shoes. Although I commend you for your prompt
customer service, I disagree with the claim that my personal iD was
inappropriate slang. After consulting Webster's Dictionary, I
discovered that "sweatshop" is in fact part of standard English, and
not slang. The word means: "a shop or factory in which workers are
employed for long hours at low wages and under unhealthy conditions"
and its origin dates from 1892. So my personal iD does meet the
criteria detailed in your first email.

Your web site advertises that the NIKE iD program is "about freedom
to choose and freedom to express who you are." I share Nike's love
of freedom and personal expression. The site also says that "If you
want it done right...build it yourself." I was thrilled to be able
to build my own shoes, and my personal iD was offered as a small
token of appreciation for the sweatshop workers poised to help me
realize my vision. I hope that you will value my freedom of
expression and reconsider your decision to reject my order.

Thank you, Jonah Peretti


From: "Personalize, NIKE iD" nikeid_personalize@nike.com
To: "'Jonah H. Peretti'" peretti@media.mit.edu
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Dear NIKE iD Customer,

Regarding the rules for personalization it also states on the NIKE
iD web site that "Nike reserves the right to cancel any personal iD
up to 24 hours after it has been submitted". In addition, it
further explains: "While we honor most personal iDs, we cannot
honor every one.

Some may be (or contain) other's trademarks, or the names of certain
professional sports teams, athletes or celebrities that Nike does
not have the right to use. Others may contain material that we
consider inappropriate or simply do not want to place on our
products.

Unfortunately, at times this obliges us to decline personal iDs that
may otherwise seem unobjectionable. In any event, we will let you
know if we decline your personal iD, and we will offer you the
chance to submit another." With these rules in mind, we cannot
accept your order as submitted. If you wish to reorder your NIKE iD
product with a new personalization please visit us again at
www.nike.com

Thank you, NIKE iD


From: "Jonah H. Peretti" peretti@media.mit.edu
To: "Personalize, NIKE iD" nikeid_personalize@nike.com
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Dear NIKE iD,
Thank you for the time and energy you have spent on my request. I
have decided to order the shoes with a different iD, but I would
like to make one small request. Could you please send me a color
snapshot of the ten-year-old Vietnamese girl who makes my shoes?

Thanks,
Jonah Peretti

THE MICROSOFT HOME OF THE FUTURE

More than thirteen years ago, in December 2000, TOM GILL PREDICTS (Volume 15, No. 29) wrote a story about an actual "Microsoft Home Of The Future."   Yes, one could argue that it was a spectacular prediction of what we now call "The Internet of Everything," but I'd say not much has changed, especially with Microsoft.
________________________________________________________________________________

 Top 10 Problems With the Microsoft Home of the Future (December 2000)
 
 Tucked away in New York's trendy Tribeca neighborhood, there's a 

 spectacular piece of PR called the "Microsoft Home of the Future."
 We're intrigued by the concept, but we imagine living in an
 all-Microsoft dwelling place might have its drawbacks, including
 the following:
 
  1. Unfriendly: Doormat says "Start" instead of "Welcome."
  2. Infectious Outlook: Everyone in your family keeps contracting
     nasty viruses. Oddly, the neighbors in the Linux house and the

     Mac house never seem to get sick.
  3. Burglar Magnet: Your home's architecture is riddled with
     hidden holes, back doors, and other security flaws.
  4. Overpriced: Whenever you visit a foreign country such as
     Russia or China, you see houses that look exactly like yours
     but find out people bought them on the black market for a
     fraction of what you paid.
  5. No doors, only Windows. 

     (Editor's note from 2014: and the Vista isn't too good either.)
  6. Network Neighborhood: You can't share your home with anyone
     else. Every member of your family must buy his or her own
     house and then connect it with yours.
  7. Dirty Dishes: Microsoft doesn't offer drivers for your new
     dishwasher.
  8. Fine Print: You must register your home with Microsoft within
     30 days of purchase, or else the house will lock you out and
     void your warranty.
  9. Slow and Unsteady: It takes forever to back up the drive, and
     then you crash.
 10. Mice everywhere. 

     (Editor's note from 2014: OK, maybe that has changed. Perhaps we would

      say there are no remote controls, you have to touch everything to start it?)

POLITICAL SPIN

(Forwarded from Barbara Reeves, variants of this, involving both Democratic and Republican Senators have been going around the Internet for a long time!)

No matter what side of the political aisle you're on, this is funny.

A professional genealogy researcher was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that a prominent Senator (let's call him Senator XXXX)'s great-great uncle Remus was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana, in 1889. Both the genealogist and the Senator share this common ancestor.

 
The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana Territory: 

 

On the back of the picture that Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus XXXX, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885; escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.' 

 
So Judy recently e-mailed Senator XXXX for information about their great-great uncle.
 
Believe it or not, the Senator's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:
 
"Remus XXX was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable livestock assets and a close association with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889,Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

Now THAT's how its done, folks! That's real Political Spin!

 

IDIOTS

This was originally published in March 2001 in TOM GILL PREDICTS Volume 15 No. 48, from an item originally forwarded 

by Theresa Castor. It still resonates today!

_____________________________________________________________________________________ 

 IDIOTS IN SERVICE:
This week, all our office phones went dead and I had to contact
the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00
a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time
window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call
you before we come?" I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to
do that, since our phones weren't working.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: OK, this was before mobile phones were as ubiquitous.]

 
IDIOTS AT WORK:
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk
noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card.
She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the
card was signed.  When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary
to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the
credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to
the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they
matched.

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the
local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer
Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and
he didn't want them to cross there anymore.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the
person behind the counter for "only a little lettuce." He said he was sorry,
but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTING #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"
To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

IDIOT SIGHTING #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I
was crossing with an intellectectually-challenged coworker of mine when
she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals
blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on
earth are blind people doing driving?!"

IDIOT SIGHTING #3:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker who was leaving the
company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is
fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just
looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

IDIOT SIGHTING #4:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself
and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn
on.

IDIOT SIGHTING #5:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our
car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service
department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the
driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried
the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to
the technician, "It's open!"  To which he replied, "I know - I already got
that side."

NOW DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER?

FLASHBACK: Questions about the Olympics in Australia

Now that the Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia are coming to a close, let's look back to TOM GILL PREDICTS-  Vol. 15 #1, from September 2000, from an item forwarded in an email by Alex Cooke, who got it from Ray Frank.  (I wonder what kind of silly questions the Russian Olympic Committee received?
*********************************************************************************
Going to the Australian Olympics?

Here are some of the actual questions being asked of the Sydney Olympic Committee via their Web site, and answers:

* I hear that all Australian women are beautiful. Is that true and if so, can you send me pictures of the available ones? (Italy)
  (Sure, there's only 8 million of them.)

* I want to go swimming at Bondi Beach on October 20th. Will I turn blue? (Germany)
  (More likely brown, considering the effluent.)

* Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
  (Upwards, out of the ground, like the person who asked this question, who themselves will need watering if their IQ drops any lower.)

* Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
  (Depends on how much beer you've consumed.)

* I plan to take some day trips during the Olympics.  Which direction should I drive - Perth to Darwin or Darwin to Perth - to avoid driving with the sun in my eyes? (Germany)
  (Excellent question, considering that the Olympics are being held in Sydney.)

* I want to walk from Perth to Sydney for the Olympics - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
  (Sure, it's only seven thousand miles, so you'll need to have started about a year and a half ago to get there in time for the Games.)

* Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
  (And accomplish what?)

* It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
  (I'm not touching this one!)

* My client wants to take a steel pooper-scooper into Australia. Will you let her in? (South Africa)
  (Why? We do have toilet paper here.)

* Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
  (No, and we use shells for money too.)

* Where can I learn underwater welding in Australia? (Portugal)
  (???)

* Do the camels in Australia have one hump or two? (UK)
  (Depends if you get an ugly one or not.)

* Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
  (Why bother? Use your fingers like the rest of us, mate.)

* Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
  (No. Everybody stinks.)

* Do tents exist in Australia? (Germany)
  (Yes, but only in sporting goods stores, peoples' garages, and most national parks.)

* Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
  (Yes.  At Christmas.)

* Can I drive to the Great Barrier Reef? (Germany)
  (Sure, if your vehicle is amphibious.)

* Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
  (Not yet, but we'll see what we can do when you get here.)

* Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
  (What's this guy smoking, and where do I get some?)

* Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
  (A blonde?)

* Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
  (Rattlesnakes? There is only serum for the Funnel Web and Red-Back Spiders. You will need to contend with White-Tail Spiders, Brown, Tiger and Red-Belly Black snakes, sharks, Red Kangaroos, Blue-ringed Octopuses and the 3 AM pub closing time.)

* Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
  (Face North and you should be about right)

* Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
  (Americans have long had trouble distinguishing between Austria and Australia.)

* I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
  (Another blonde?)

* I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
  (From Liz Taylor, perhaps?)

* Are there places in Australia where you can make love outdoors? (Italy)
  (Yes.  Outdoors.)

* I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
(No comment.)

* Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
  (Yes, except in America.)

TOM GILL PREDICTS- Official Predictions

This page will be reserved for my official, and legendary, Predictions.
______________________________________________________

(1) Within 50 years, one of the current United States of America will break off and become an independent nation.  (Most likely?  Alaska.)  [Prediction made on 2/15/2014]

MEETING BUZZWORDS!

Originally published TOM GILL PREDICTS-  Volume Fifteen, Number Two, on September 4, 2000, these Meeting Buzzwords were forwarded by Doreen Salazar from Dr. S. Papper.  They remain as apt today as they were fourteen years ago.
****************************************************************

 Here are some definitions of terms commonly used in staff meetings- and what they REALLY mean:
 
 
 Opportunity:        A long shot
 Challenge:      A long shot without money or space
 Potential:      "excellent training, meager accomplishments"
 Influential:        Big mouth
 Multidisciplinary:  Without leadership
 Integrated:         Fully organized but without content
 Relevant:       Quality not required
 Multifaceted:       Chaos
 Paranoid:       One who usually disagrees with the chairman
 Immature:       One who often disagrees with the chairman
 Progress:         change in policy
 Essentially:        Plus or minus 100%
 Focus:          Ignore everything except my point
 Mission:        Improve parking
 Solution:       Refer to a committee

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE BEING STALKED BY MARTHA STEWART

From an item originally forwarded by Alice Gomez and published in Tom Gill Predicts Volume Fifteen, Number Nine, September 2000

******************************************************
 10. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a  magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.

 9. That telltale lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.

 8. On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like  your split-level, right down to the fallen-over licorice downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.

 7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon, rose petal & saffron demi-glace', with pecan-crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint-fennel sauce.

 6. The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you even after you leave the bathroom.

 5. You discover that every napkin in the entire house has been folded into a swan.

 4. No matter "where" you eat, your place setting always includes an oyster fork.

 3. Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying.

 2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice.


 and the NUMBER 1 Sign You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart . . .

 1. You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.

THEN AND NOW

  
"This is the age
 Of the half-read page.
 And the quick hash
 And the mad dash.
 The bright night
 With the nerves tight.
 The plane hop
 With the brief stop.
 The lamp tan
 In a short span.
 The Big Shot
 In a good spot.
 And the brain strain
 The heart pain.
 And the cat naps
 Till the spring snaps --
 And the fun's done!"
 
Sound familiar? But wait -- this poem was actually published in
The Saturday Evening Post in 1949, under the title, "Time of the
Mad Atom." Seems that people were as rushed then as they are now!

LATIN PHRASES YOU CAN USE EVERY DAY!

Originally forwarded by Alice Gomez and published in Tom Gill Predicts in October 2000, here are (at least allegedly...)

Common Latin phrases you can use every day.
-----------------

 Perscripto in manibus tabellariorum est.
 The check is in the mail.


 Dulci fruere.
 Have a nice day.


 Mihi ignosce. Cum homine de cane debeo congredi.
 Excuse me. I've got to see a man about a dog.


 Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.
 I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear.


 Magister Mundi sum!
 I am the Master of the Universe!


 Fac me cocleario vomere!
 Gag me with a spoon!


 Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?
 Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me?


 Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam.
 I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.


 Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.
 I'm not interested in your dopey religious cult.


 Noli me vocare, ego te vocabo.
 Don't call me, I'll call you.


 Vacca foeda
 Stupid cow


 Raptus regaliter
 Royally screwed


 Canis meus id comedit.
 My dog ate it.


 Fac ut gaudeam.
 Make my day.


 Braccae illae virides cum subucula rosea et tunica Caledonia-quam elenganter concinnatur!
 Those green pants go so well with that pink shirt and the plaid jacket!


 Visne saltare? Viam Latam Fungosam scio.
 Do you want to dance? I know the Funky Broadway.


 Flexilis sum, gluten es, me resilit, ad te haeret.
 I'm rubber, you're glue, bounces off me, sticks to you.


 Radix lecti
 Couch potato


 Spero nos familiares mansuros.
 I hope we'll still be friends.


 Mellita, domi adsum!
 Honey, I'm home!


 Ventis secundis, tene cursum.
 Go with the flow.


 Totum dependeat.
 Let it all hang out.


 Prehende uxorem meam, sis!
 Take my wife, please!


 Vescere bracis meis.
 Eat my shorts.


 Sic faciunt omnes.
 Everyone is doing it.


 Fac ut vivas.
 Get a life.

 Si hoc signum legere potes, operis boni in rebus Latinus alacribus et fructuosis potiri potes!
 If you can read this sign, you can get a good job in the fast-paced, high- paying world of Latin!


 Sona si Latine loqueris.
 Honk if you speak Latin.

ACTUAL NOTES TO LANDLORDS

Excerpted from Tom Gill Predicts Vol. XV No. XI, October 1, 2000, from an email circulated around the Internet and forwarded to me by Hiram Jackson.
****************************************************************

GENUINE EXCERPTS FROM LETTERS SENT TO LANDLORDS:

1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

2. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

4. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

6. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

7. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

8. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

9. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk.
Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

10. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

11. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.

12. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap.  My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

13. When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess.  Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy. 

FUN ON A FIELD TRIP!

[Note: Many years ago, the Fallbrook Gem and Mineral Society
conducted a field trip to a rare-earth pegmatite at the Southern Pacific
Silica Quarry, located in the Lakeview Mountains of Riverside County,
California. A number of interesting things were collected at this site:
asterated quartz, tourmaline, monazite, Herb's truck, cyrtolite,
xenotime, thorogummite, ... Wait a minute! Herb's truck? Yes, while FGMS
member Herb Sulsky was busy collecting specimens in the quarry, thieves
were busy "collecting" Herb's truck from where it was parked.

Although disasters of various kinds do occur during field trips, they
are not always restricted to trips taken by amateurs. The following
article describes the events that occurred during a geological field
conference that was sponsored by and for an association of professional
geologists. While the disaster described therein doesn't compare to
theft of personal property or injury, it does illustrate the kinds of
things that can go wrong during any organized activity.

Incidently, Herb's truck was eventually found--in pieces. So, now Herb
has a new truck to drive (with a state-of-the-art anti-theft system
installed) and a story to tell.

While it won't make up for the loss of his truck, we'll dedicate the
following to Herb. The story is true.]

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sixty years ago: The Fourth Field Conference sponsored by the New
Mexico Geological Society, a tour of southwest New Mexico and southeast
Arizona, began at El Paso Thursday morning, October 15, 1953. After
examining Paleozoic and Cretaceous rocks in the vicinity of El Paso, the
caravan passed northward to Las Cruces and Caballo and westward through
Hillsboro and Kingston to Silver City. On Saturday, the conference
visited the Tyrone, Santa Rita and White Signal mining districts and
returned to Silver City for a banquet at the Murray Hotel. On Sunday,
the fourth day, the group drove from Silver City to Lordsburg, then
westward across Steins Pass to Wilcox and Dos Cabezas, Arizona, where
the caravan disbanded.

Edward C. "Ed" Beaumont, then with the U.S. Geological Survey, was general
chairman. Ed's comments of April 1977, expurgated slightly, provide
deeper insight into the conference ... "This was a four-day field trip
as opposed to the usual three-day trip. We spent one day in the El Paso
area and thus suffered from two nights of exposure to the Juarez
influence. For some reason in 1953, the geologists in general seemed to
be a little `woolier.' I recognize that I was considerably younger, but
I began to have serious doubts whether even a majority of those
registered would ever make it aboard for the final caravan run out of El
Paso the second day. I can't blame it all on Juarez because a certain
service company managed to keep a portable den of iniquity going 24
hours a day from the night of registration right on through the end of
the field trip. Reportedly, neither representative of this company ever
made any pretense at sleeping other than an occasional `catnap' while
the other was driving. Another service company vied with the first to
supply refreshments to the crowd, and provided all of the beer we could
drink along the way. Except for the more intense competition between
service companies, the situation was not much different from more recent
trips. However, on this occasion, if beer wasn't sufficient, you could
always go to the backseat of the truck of the number one service company
to obtain whatever common or exotic form of hard liquor that you might
desire.

"Lack of manpower was a major problem. One of the chairmen listed in the
guidebook was never even seen. He and I later became good friends, but
in the preparation period and during the trip I didn't even know what
the man looked like. Four out of the other five trip arrangements
chairmen, including both of the caravan chairmen, were unable to attend
the field conference. Naturally, this placed a considerable burden on
myself. Fortunately, I had made an intensive dry run through the route,
and with the aid of Phil Hayes and some excellent flagmen we were able
to handle the parking at the various stops along the route without any
undue confusion.

"In the earlier years of our field tripping we were required by state
law to have two state police patrol vehicles accompany us both in New
Mexico and in Arizona. The two patrolmen from New Mexico succumbed early
in the afternoon to booze supplied by the unnamed service company.
Before long, we were receiving less than a lot of protection from our
highway patrol escorts. One of the most frightening memories etched
deeply into my mind is a recollection of the downhill race on the west
side of the Black Range (this was before the road was paved) between the
highway patrol lead car and one of the service company cars. I was
riding with the patrolman and I must confess that I saw very little of
what was happening because I was crouched on the back floor waiting for
what I knew had to be the inevitable crash or roll. Somehow we managed
to make it safely to the bottom of the mountain and to the town of
Silver City.

"However, our problems weren't over because we were met on the outskirts
of Silver City by a representative of the Silver City Police Department
who informed us that due to the press of traffic in the rush hour we
would not be permitted to take the caravan into town. We were diverted
to a parking lot on the outskirts of town some six or seven blocks from
the hotel which was our headquarters and the stopping point for most of
the field trippers. I argued with the city police, but I could not
prevail and we were forced to make our way on foot or by thumb into
town. Sometime after 8 p.m., as I recall, the cars in the caravan were
allowed to come on into town. The next day was relatively uneventful,
but that evening, thanks to the seemingly unlimited supply of booze, we
had a `rip-roaring' banquet. I am sure that several things of note
occurred thereat, but I for one was beyond caring and don't remember too
many of the details of the evening.

"A bit of a nightmare begins with the next morning. We were assembled
around the town square on Sunday morning awaiting our police escort.
They were late and I was sitting in the sound car assuring the assembled
group, most of whom were hung over even worse than they had been in El
Paso, that we would be getting underway momentarily. Then someone--I
don't recall who it was--came along and announced that one of our state
police officers had been thrown in jail and we would be delayed until
such time as we could get him released. I was so stunned that I just sat
there, demoralized, with the microphone open, and, to my chagrin, I
exclaimed in a tone that was heard throughout downtown Silver City, `Oh,
--!.' Eventually we decided to send the caravan on ahead with the other
state patrolman driving the lead car. Somehow, we then managed to get
the incarcerated state cop released.

"The caravan was 30 or 40 miles down the highway driving toward
Lordsburg by the time we got things straightened out and got underway
ourselves. One of the service company cars had remained with us, and
thus the two cars started off down the narrow road out of Silver City.
Apparently, it seemed to the others involved (but not to me!) that this
was a good time for another race. The service company boys took off down
the highway at `breakneck' speed with the state patrolman, who was,
incidentally, hung over about as bad as a man can be and still live, in
hot pursuit. We attained speeds in the vicinity of 100 miles per hour at
which time even the bravest of the brave decided it was time to slow
down. But, the bravest of the brave did not happen to include our state
patrolman. He decided that it would be fun to nudge the service company
trucks at speeds in the vicinity, right at, or perhaps exceeding 100
miles per hour. I have never seen two guys blanch so completely as those
service company boys when their car was being gently nudged ahead, and
at the same time, they were trying to slow down. The state patrolman
thought this was hilarious, and it actually seemed to revive his
spirits. I might note that he had been jailed, so the story goes, for
having gotten drunk and attempting to molest his ex-wife, who at that
time was the current girlfriend of the sheriff. How we survived all of
this I am not sure. But, I'm certain that I used up a few of my nine
lives during the course of this trip.

"Perhaps it was the contrast, or, more probably, it was actually as good
as I remember, but one of the real highlights of this trip was the
feeding of the field trippers by the Women's Club of Wilcox, Arizona. A
town like Wilcox offers very few facilities that can take care of
several hundred persons on a trip like this. So, we were very fortunate
to have the ladies of this small town undertake to provide the lunch for
our group as a fund-raising project. They did a fantastic job; they had
beans that I will never forget and hot fresh bread and many other tasty
dishes including fresh pie for dessert.

"I had bad dreams for several years as a result of having been general
chairman for this trip. But now, more than 20 years later, I am able to
laugh again instead of cry when think back to the Fourth Field Conference."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The preceding article was published in the June 1993 issue of
Lithosphere, the official bulletin of the Fallbrook [California] Gem and
Mineral Society, Inc; Richard Busch (Editor).  It was noted by the
editors that the material is in the public domain, and may be republished freely.

DEEP THOUGHTS FROM KIDS

Adapted from TOM GILL PREDICTS Vol. 15 no. 5- September 2000, from material contributed by Jeanette Martin that had been circulating around the Internet back then.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From an actual newspaper contest where entrants ages 4 to 15 were asked to provide Deep Thoughts.
       
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? --Age 15
  
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. --Age 13
  
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for
the long weekends. --Age 8
  
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any ol' person vote. --Age 10
  
Home is where the house is. --Age 6
  
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. --Age 6
  
My younger brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to hell and burn
eternally-- but I didn't want to upset him. --Age 10
  
I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of  the Constitution. I tell   Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table.  I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder.  We spend the rest of the night burping.
  --Age 15
  
When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again.  But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. --Age 5
  
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower. --Age 11
  
I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big fresh water lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. --Age 13
  
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day.  At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. --Age 7
  
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. --Age 15
  
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident.  No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood  would be right there. --Age 5
  
Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then,imagine if you had that many Twinkies.  Wow, that's five more than the biggest number could come up with! --Age 6
  
The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" --Age 15
  
Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right? --Age 15
  
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. --Age 15

'Twas Two Nights Before Christmas (A Visit from St. Kaeper-Nick)

In honour of tonight's last regular-season San Francisco 49ers home football game at Candlestick Park.

'Twas two nights before Christmas, out at Candlestick Park,
And the football game started as day became dark.
The Faithful were hungry, their cheeks were all pinched,
In hopes that a playoff berth soon would be clinched;
The fans they were nestled all snug in their seats,                               
While the owners saw titles from up in their suites.
And Mom in her jersey, and I in my best,
Had just settled in for the last home contest,
When out on the field there arose such a clatter,
I sprang to my feet to see what was the matter.
Down to the railing I flew with my beer,
Wide opened my eyes, and let out a cheer.
The lights shining down like a brilliant white flame,
Gave the luster of mid-day to the start of the game;
And off from the sidelines running out did arise,
My starting offense, they were massive big guys,
With a confident driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it was St. Kaeper Nick.
More rapid than Falcons his coursers arrayed,
And he whistled, and shouted, and call'd out the plays:
"Now! Davis, now! Gore now!  Iupati and Goodwin!
"On!  Staley and Crabtree!  on!  Boldin and Dixon!;
"To the shifting formation! To the snap of the ball!
"Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky;
So down to the red-zone the coursers they flew,
With the squad in perfection and St. Kaepernick too:
And then in a twinkling, I heard the crowd roar
As they crossed past the goal-line and a touchdown was scored.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
the Gold Rush girls cheered and the foghorn did sound:
The din just got louder and bounced off of each rafter,
As Dawson’s sure foot put up through the point after;
The defence it smothered the Falcons attack,
And they look'd more ferocious with each tackle and sack:
Their eyes — how they focused! Their blocks- how they stung!
Their hits on Atlanta chimed like bells that were rung!
And the offense was run like a well-tuned machine,
Each sweep and off-tackle, every post route and screen;
Our special teams shone as we knew that they would,
As we stuffed their return-men and our field goals were good!
With their confident faces, and their gaits all a swagger,
They ran up the score as if twisting a dagger.
Harbaugh focused and manic, a right confident elf,
And I laugh'd when I saw him in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He led them to win it, focused straight on his work,
When the game clock ran out he then turn'd with a jerk,
And pumping his fist, a victorious man,
And giving a nod, off the sideline he ran.
He sprung to midfield, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew, like the down of a thistle:
But I heard him exclaim, as they ran out of sight —
Goodbye to the Stick, and to all a good night!

GILLIGAN BELLS! Yes, you can sing the "Gilligan's Island" song to the tune of "Jingle Bells"!

It's that wonderful time of the year... 

time that you can sing one famous song to the tune of another.

Did you know that you can sing the theme song of GILLIGAN'S ISLAND to the tune of a popular winter classic?


Just try and sing this to the tune of JINGLE BELLS: 

Sit back and hear a tale
A tale of fateful trip 
from a tropic port 
Aboard a tiny ship 
The mate a sailor man 
The skipper brave and sure 
Five passengers set sail that day for three hour tour 

Gillligan, skipper too 
Millionaire and wife 
Movie star and all the rest try to make a life 
Castaways stranded there 
For a long long time 
Have to make the best of things, it’s an uphill climb. 

The weather it got rough, 
the tiny ship was tossed. 
If no courageous fearless crew, 
the Minnow would be lost. 

First mate and, Skipper too, will do their very best, 
to make the others comfortable in tropic island nest. 
Phone not there, car not there, not one luxury, 
like Robinson Crusoe was, primitive as can be 

The ship was set aground 
on shore of desert isle, 
Profesor and Mary Ann 
On Gilligan’s Isle. 

Join us here, weekly, friends, sure youll get a smile 
Seven stranded castaways on gilligan’s isle 
Jingle Bells, Gilligan, mixing up the song 
One horse sleigh, tiny ship, you all sing along