Science, Explained

Science, Explained
I recently found this in my files, dated October 1995. They're supposedly real exam answers given by junior high, high school, and college students.
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"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube."
"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
"Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
"The body consists of three parts: the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."
"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
"Liter: A nest of young puppies."
"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."
"For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration."
"For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."
"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat."
"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

My Encounter With Muhammad Ali

About twenty-five years ago, when I was living in Davis, California, several of my friends and I decided to take a trip to Disneyland.

We had a great time all morning, and eventually found ourselves in an obscure, uncrowded and quite out-of-the-way corner of the park, where we basically stumbled upon a large group having some sort of picnic.  One of my friends did a double-take: the leader of the group was none other than Muhammad Ali!  "The Greatest" motioned for us to come over and join the gathering: each of us shook hands with him, exchanged greetings and had our picture taken with Ali.   He was extremely gracious.  I'm not sure but I think we even had a bite to eat from their picnic offerings.  Later, we all agreed that never in our lives would any of us ever meet a more famous and influential person.

When I have some time, I'll dig deep through my old photo albums and try to find that photo with Ali.  I hope it's still intact.  [If so, I'll post it one of these days.]

[Coda: A year or two later, we decided to go back to Disneyland for a return visit.  This time, of all things, we crossed paths with Michael Jackson and his entourage.  We saw him, but were outside the swarm-of-bees-like crowd surrounding Michael.   Later that day, I overheard one of my friends- from South America- calling his wife and saying, "Wow, Disneyland is amazing.  Every time you go there, you run in to a global superstar!  First Muhammad Ali, now Michael Jackson! They never publicize that!"]

ADVENTURES IN VOICE MAIL AUTOTRANSLATION

My workplace has a voice mail system that automatically emails me a translation of every message left for me.  Well, its attempt at a translation.  It obviously leaves something to be desired.  Here are some examples.

I Chris I check out my name is Nicole in grand and I have a nice evening except I was planning on nevertheless I'm a paper clip class and turn. Anyhow I am still currently in between the PCCNU tap and so she's I'm calling from the US was just German the finest along with the West a bit more information and I read the course description and I wanted to talk to you little bit in detail so if you had a chance that'd be awesome to talk to you otherwise I can send you an email thank you very much and recognizing large happy new year was just developed bye.

Hey professor Gill this is Omar Van Bus Man been is for with fiery bus man’s. I was calling to introduce myself I'm your new falling consultant here at fiery bus man’s taking over from William almost and wanted to take a moment to set up an appointment so looking for a few small self logo overhauls can support you falling forward when it comes to your details and plan if you discover fiery bus man's landed in a modern sense would please give me a call back at your convenience my direct phone number is toll free (redacted) and my personal extension is (redacted).

Hi mom this is trying in that in the torsion pressure leadership I'm calling you back I reached a short and special development -- I will try -- and invite you in the office I will try calling you back a little later and hopefully we will be able to love you okay connect to talking to you bye.

Hi yes Dr. Gill my name is bobby call out.  I was interested in your says see offer that -- owner on portion weather next -- that would be geode three American medium century -- my number is 32 driving -- for five out – out call lotions. Thank you.

Hi John this is a deli calling in hope everything's going okay otherwise touch base with you regarding the luncheon but not for the fish. -- For when they could send it down sorry -- just wanted for fire in brownie but my bladder what so not wanted touch you that also I don't know -- wanted to also be browse maybe my bladder invites.

"Hey Thomas Crag Tweedy my double goes well looking forward to retching you up. Yet -- could you give me a call when you get a chance at – (redacted) need to talk to you that a few other struggling that these two sockets and mouth fart. Thank you brian's on handed to them so thanks nine I would really appreciate it if you landed on them thank you bye."

"Oh come down Thomas after spring borough after wonder break I just sent a limit here I just sent you an email asking where to put my dust collector since we're likely to get some of that wonderful stuff today and I've been a disease and I know you are I've thought you might be stronger than the moon me off told to light for made a catch any so that's why I am with the movie beautiful pictures I'd that's why I called anyway talk to you later exchange emails with you later thank you bye."

  

Voice Mail (51 seconds)(NOTE THE LENGTH OF THE MESSAGE)
Fri 5/13/2016 1:10 PM
"Hey."

"Hi tech gill this is Danny calling from lisp my extension is ***** I tried calling in for five weeks and I know you said in print to go to mass in the future I believe I'm calling in regards to you I could set up vacation E sick I sent me some time but I just wanted to keep anything it could assist us bird toes or if you'd like to maybe set up the meeting 10:30 do you have to date JFK she is pending and if you can call me back at your convenience area emailing me at DESSITT dot edu or my extension is *** for high CIA conference call care please let me know if I can copy of anything thank you appreciate bye bye."

Possible USA Presidential Election chaos twist?

Possible Presidential election chaos twist:

The GOP splits into two parties, the Trump wing and the establishment Republicans. Three strong contestants (Trump: Clinton or Sanders: and an old-school Republican) for the election.

None of the three win an absolute majority of the electoral vote.

Thus, the election is thrown into the House of Representatives.

The ***newly-elected*** Congress would choose the President under these rules: *** one Presidential vote per State. ***

If the newly-elected Congress had the same makeup as the current Congress, the Republicans would have about a two-to-one margin in States. But would they split between the old guard GOP and the Trumpers?

If they can't agree on an absolute majority, then the newly-elected Vice-President becomes President. But if there is also a three way split amongst Veep electoral votes and no VP candidate has a majority, the way I read things, the Speaker of the House would become President- at least until someone gets a majority.

Thus, we could have President Paul Ryan next year? At least for a while?

I'm not saying Tom Gill Predicts this officially, but you heard it here first.

Chicken Fried Steak and the Mysteries of Culinary Linguistic Geography

After I moved to Texas, the first time my parents came to visit from California, I took them out to dinner. Dad ordered chicken fried steak and was perplexed and surprised when he got a beef dish. He thought it was a chicken dish. A fried steak of chicken.  My momma, may she rest in peace, actually often made a similar dish for Dad and I, growing up in California. But she called it "Swiss Steak."   “Why didn’t they tell me I’d be getting swiss steak?,” Dad asked.

Similarly, the first time my good friend Javier came from Mexico City to visit me in Texas, I took him to dinner.  He was confused about an item on the menu- chicken fried steak. I explained to him that it was a Texas version of a "milanesa." "Ahora me acuerdo," he said.

And come to think of it, analogously, when I had colleagues come over from Europe, I had to explain to them that in Texas, "chicken fried steak" is the equivalent of what they know as "wiener schnitzel." And, to confuse them further, the place named "Der Wienerschnitzel" doesn't serve wienerschnitzel, or chicken fried steak, but instead, is a place to get hot dogs. Which are frankfurters. Not made from dogs. And now Burger King sells something called "grilled dogs," and every time I see that on the sign at the Burger King down the road, brings to my mind that they are barbecuing puppies or something awful like that.

I love these mysteries of culinary linguistic geography!

Pancho and Henry

100 years ago yesterday morning, Pancho Villa and his Mexican rebels invaded the United States at Columbus, New Mexico, about 100 kilometers west of El Paso, coming in across the border from the adjacent village of Palomas (next to Laguna Palomas, one of the dry desert lake beds that occasionally floods and also is a regular source of massive dust plumes- all things we're researching). That set in motion the "Punitive Expedition" led by General Pershing, or, as my grand-pappy called it, the "Mexican Fracas."  Records of the campaign discuss how the stifling dust storms of the Chihuahuan Desert created a great challenge for the American forces, and allowed the Mexicans to take cover and escape or hide (a tactic now used by ISIS and other forces in the Middle East).  

 

My grandfather Henry F. Kamps (photo below in the Army uniform, near the end of his career) was one of Pershing's sidemen, chasing Pancho into Mexico. As a little boy, Grandpa would entertain me with tales of riding his horse in the wild West in the Army- for a young lad, that was a double dip of awesomeness, whoa, Grandpa was a soldier AND a cowboy!   About a decade ago, long after Grandfather died (he passed in the early 1970s), my mother and I were looking through some old family records, and found out that Grandpa was the first member of my family to live in El Paso- he was stationed at Fort Bliss- and could be said to be amongst the first Americans to do on-the-ground field reconnaissance of the Chihuahuan Desert terrain, as well as undoubtedly observe its arid landforms and dusty winds.  My oldest sister tells me that Grandpa Kamps told her that since he was young and just starting his military career at the time, they wouldn't let him carry a gun, but instead, he was one of the mounted troops carrying the American flag in the Punitive Expedition.  Grandpa was apparently quite a good cavalry officer: we found records that he took part in equestrian competitions at Fort Bliss on his faithful stallion "Rex," and won awards for horsemanship.  

General Pershing liked Grandpa well enough that (lucky him?) Henry was chosen to go over to Europe with "Black Jack" and the Allies when the USA entered World War I, and he supposedly helped survey and lay out some trenches (via the US Army Corps of Engineers or equivalent) in the last days of trench warfare; he participated in at least one of those infamous battles, and luckily survived.  Grandpa Kamps had a long career as an army officer, rising to Lieutenant Colonel, and staying on active duty through World War II (as an administrator/manager of a military depot in Oregon, as well as in the Army justice/legal system) and finally retiring after the Korean war, living in the Cleveland area before moving to California.

The last photo below is me, little "Tommy," apparently a horsethief as well as rebel (notice my "Texas Stallion"?), perhaps pretending that he was one of Pancho's men firing back at Grandpappy's forces.  Little boys in the USA like to play Cowboys and Indians, or, perhaps, soldiers and revolutionaries?

And now Henry Kamps' grandson is using satellites from space, lasers, and atom smashers to study that same dusty terrain Grandpa traversed with the flag ​on horseback.  How far we've come.

For our local newspaper retrospective, see this:  http://www.elpasotimes.com/story/news/history/2016/03/08/100-years-later-columbus-remembers-pancho-villa/81465718/​

And as a coda, here's a video clip of one of my favourite songs ever.  It's got Pancho, Lefty (I can't remember if my grandpa was left-handed or not?), "the desert down in Mexico," dust (bit down South), and Cleveland.  I have to admit I feel like Pancho (in this song) sometimes- after all, I almost indeed met my match, you know, on the desert down in Mexico a dozen years ago.  

Six Rules To Remember

SIX RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:

1. Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastard's name.

2. Money can't buy happiness, but it's nicer to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.

3. Help somebody when they're in trouble, and they'll remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but neither does milk.

6. The grass on the other side is greener because it's fertilized by bullshit.

TOM GILL PREDICTS: Alleged Actual Test Answers (More!)

In 2014 I published a list of "alleged actual test answers" from students.
Here's the sequel!

Q1. In which battle did King Richard III die?

* his last battle

  

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

* at the bottom of the page

  

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?

* liquid

  

Q4.. What is the main reason for divorce?

* marriage

  

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?

* exams

  

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?

* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?

* The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become?

* Wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?

* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?

* You will never find an elephant that has one hand.

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?

* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?

*No time at all, the wall is already built by the first eight men.

Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?

*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

Things People Were Actually Convinced Of

These have been going around the Internet the last few weeks.  I can find multiple sources: not clear on the origin of them all.  Some of them likely are decades old.

"Tried to explain to a graduate student, who was a few days from defending her Master's thesis, that she didn't have to take her BMW to the dealer because the water stopped coming out of the windshield wipers. She could buy a bottle of fluid for like $1-$2 and just refill it. She bought the bottle of fluid at an auto parts store and poured it into the gas tank."

"If they worked for 7.8 hours it does not mean they are getting paid for 7 hours and 8 minutes.... I had to explain this to an adult multiple times!"

"If there is a disabled person in the car riding with me, I get to use park in a space for the handicapped. The disabled person doesn't actually have to drive, they just have to be in the car. I'm not making my disabled aunt walk across the parking lot just because I drove and you cannot figure out that a car fits more than one person."

"When you get your food to go, walk outside in freezing weather,drive 30 minutes home, the food will be cold. Don't call the restaurant and complain because you don't understand the laws of thermodynamics."

"I spent 30 minutes explaining to my mother why she can't connect her tablet to her home wifi while she's at work."

"During dinner, I told my 23 year old, recent college graduate brother, that I was planning on making pickles when we got home. He looked at me dumbfounded with a eye wide eyed stare. I had to explain to him that pickles did not grow out of the ground as pickles, and are in fact, cucumbers."

"I had to explain to my cousin that it is called an ash tray, not as ass tray. He didn't believe me, but had sound logic. He said "but then why are they called cigarette butts?".

"That it was World War I and World War II, not War War I and War War II."

"That people in Africa are not "African-American."

"That islands don't float, you cannot dive/swim underneath them, that they are attached to the ocean floor."

"To a girl at work, that Nelson Mandela and Morgan Freeman aren't the same person."

"That compass directions are in fact NOT just alternatives to simple directions relative to the user. As in, she thought North was just another word for forward."

"Vietnam is the name of a country, and not just the name of a war.  She kept insisting I wasn't old enough to have gone there, and was utterly confused that I said I went there- for a vacation, no less-two years ago."

"Had to explain to a guy that if 4 builders built a wall and took 4 hours, that 6 builders building the wall would not take 6 hours." (THIS IS WHY YOU PAY ATTENTION IN MATHS CLASS)

"El Niño isn't a Latino pop star."

"My older brother (age 20) asked me whether ice cubes goes into the stomach, or if they go "in the stomach for liquids". I kindly had to explain him, than humans only have one stomach where both liquids and solids go."

"That the Holocaust was not a person."

TOM GILL PREDICTS and the Space Shuttle Challenger disaster 30 years ago

An example of how I got the name TOM GILL PREDICTS:
As I write this post, it is still January 28, 2016.  Thirty years ago today, the space shuttle Challenger exploded. 

For months in advance, from time to time, I'd have occasional but the same vivid dream- I'd dream of a space shuttle exploding on launch at Cape Canaveral. In my dreams, the shuttle consistently never even got fully off the ground enough to be above the tower before it blew up. 

Thirty years ago last night, they came in a crescendo. I kept having that same dream, over and over, over and over. I woke up shaken, certain in my knowledge of what was (well, ALMOST) exactly going to happen. I was in an absolute panic. I didn't know what to do- I thought that perhaps I should I call the police at Cape Canaveral, or NASA, and warn them.  But then I changed my mind and chickened out, figuring that if I did, they'd assume that somehow I had sabotaged the shuttle, and I'd be thrown in jail. 

I had to call a trusted friend over to try and calm me down and practically hold me down, I was so frantic. When the shuttle successfully lifted off and cleared the tower, I was relieved for a minute or so... And then IT HAPPENED. 

I was a science student then, and a scientist now. And my best scientific mind freely admits THERE IS NO SCIENTIFIC EXPLANATION FOR THIS. Things like this- repeated, vivid dreams of an upcoming world event (never about the personal) have happened multiple times to me before they actually happened (though with a slight twist, such as the height of the explosion in the Challenger case). AND THERE IS NO LOGICAL EXPLANATION FOR IT.

-Tom Gill

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HOWDY DAMFOOL

The human mind, and the Internet, are wonderful things. 

In my sleep, or drifting-off-to-sleep, last night, the phrase "Howdy damfool" flashed into my mind from some far, deeply-wrinkled corner of my brain.  I instantly was taken back to my childhood.  One day I was looking at one of my father's fishing magazines, and I saw a cartoon, which in my memory was a New Yorker- style cartoon; it included two men fishing in boats approaching each other, wherein the one guy (who, in my mind, looked like my dad) says to the other, "Howdy, damfool!"

For some reason at the time, that cartoon just struck me.  I thought it was the funniest thing I had ever seen in my young life.  It cracked me up so much that I took Dad's magazine to school, showed the cartoon to my friends during recess (and we chuckled over it together), and I even tried to recreate the cartoon during art class (I didn't have much success, which is probably good, since the teacher might not have liked the language).  

So, of course, what did I do this morning? I Googled the phrase, "howdy damfool" (you can too), and THERE IT WAS!

The layout of the cartoon wasn't exactly New Yorker- style, but the guy with the hat on did remind me of my father!

Amazing.

IDEAS

(This has been going around the Internet lately, and probably for a long time.  My apologies to the original author, if there really is one; and to whoever forwarded this to me.)
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1. The object of golf is to play the least amount of golf.

2. The sinking of the Titanic must have been a miracle to the lobsters in the kitchen.

3. Instead of all the prequel and sequel movies coming out, they should start making requels - films shot in the same time period as the original film, but from an entirely different perspective.

4. X88B88 looks like the word "voodoo" reflecting off of itself.

5. April Fool's Day is the one day of the year that people critically evaluate news articles before accepting them as true.

6. Websites should post their password requirements on their login pages so I can remember WTF I needed to do to my normal password to make it work on their site.

7. Now that cellphones are becoming more and more waterproof, pretty soon it will be okay to push people into pools again.

8. I had to use an unblocker to watch Argo on the Canadian Netflix. I was an American who had to pretend to be Canadian to watch a movie about Americans who have to pretend to be Canadians making a movie.

9. Maybe 'Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?' isn't a show that displays how stupid grown adults can be, but rather, a show that depicts how much useless information we teach grade schoolers that won't be retained or applicable later in life.

10. Last night my friend asked to use a USB port to charge his cigarette, but I was using it to charge my book. The future is stupid.

11. When Sweden is playing Denmark, it is SWE-DEN. The remaining letters, not used, is DEN-MARK.

12. "Go to bed, you'll feel better in the morning" is the human version of "Did you turn it off and turn it back on again?"

13. In the future, imagine how many Go-Pros will be found in snow mountains containing the last moments of people's lives.

14. We should have a holiday called Space Day, where lights are to be shut off for at least an hour at night to reduce light pollution, so we can see the galaxy.

15. Your shadow is a confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet thanks to you.

16. Senior citizen discounts should just round dollar amounts down so we don't have to wait in line behind them while they dig for change.

17. I have never once hit the space bar while watching a YouTube video with the intention of scrolling halfway down the page

18. Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that erases your browser history if your heart stops beating.

19. Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super rad if you don't know what either of those things are.

20. The person who would proof read Hitler's speeches was literally a grammar Nazi.

How To Improve Your Language At The Workplace

Original author unknown...

HOW TO SPOT SOMEONE RAISED BY A GEOLOGIST

How to Spot Someone RAISED by a Geologist

*Wears socks with sandals despite knowing that it is highly un-cool (and still feels cool doing it).

*Could spot a sinkhole at age 5 and explain what it was to all her friends.

*Writes down "spelunking" as possible romantic getaway.

*Helped gather fossils in roadside highway cuts as a fun family outing.

*Someone who went ballistic when father burnt "Chunk of Coal Present" in the fireplace.

*Someone who, despite not being a geologist, has core samples lurking around the house.

*A person who stares at road cuts and wonders why the rocks look all ribbon-y...remembers to ask parent for answer.

*Wrecks trying to look at ribbon-y rocks despite the fact that a closer look wouldn't shed light on the answer.

*Most of childhood artwork is done on the backs of discarded seismic data print-offs.

*Despite not being able to spell most words..can remember how to spell "seismic".

*Edited shot gathers as a form of entertainment...before entering middle-school.

*Understood more scientific nerd humor than "Knock Knock Jokes", growing up.  "A group of Hydrogen are floating around when one says, "I just lost my electron."  Another hydrogen asks, "Are you sure?"      The Hydrogen replies, "I'm positive."  Har Har Har

*Can look at all the "How to Spot a Geologist" lines and picture a person or event that it pertains to.

*Is named after geological rock formation...

A NURSE'S TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

A Nurse's Twelve Days of Christmas 
(This has been going around the Internet: original source unknown.)

Twelve Doctors Screaming
Eleven IVs Running
Ten Pan Meds Given
Nine Call Lights Blinking
Eight Phones are Ringing
Seven Psychs a-Leaping
Six Dressing Changes 
Five Nurses Stressing
Four Foleys Draining
Three B.P.s Dropping
Two Traumas Coming
And An Hour Left On My Shift!

Top 10 Things Native Americans Should Say To White People

Seen floating around the Internet last month:

TOP TEN THINGS NATIVE AMERICANS SHOULD SAY TO WHITE PEOPLE

10. How much white are you?
9. I'm part white myself, you know.
8. I learned all about your people's ways in the Boy Scouts!
7. My great-great grandmother was a full-blooded White American princess!
6. Funny, you don't look white!
5. I'm not racist, my best friend is white!
4. Do you live in a log cabin?
3. What's the meaning behind the "square dance" ?
2. Can I touch your facial hair?
1. Can I take your picture?

YOU KNOW YOU USE THE INTERNET TOO MUCH WHEN...

This week we revisit a TGP from over thirteen years ago.  Seems like back then, we were still addicted to the 'Net, but read this and think about how some things have changed.



TOM GILL PREDICTS-  Volume Fifteen, Number Ninety
March 18, 2002
Now bringing you the best Internet humor almost every week!
A presentation of TGP INTERNATIONAL
Editor: Tom Gill
**************************************************************************
"Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."

YOU KNOW YOU USE THE INTERNET TOO MUCH WHEN:

>       >> 1. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check
>       >> your e-mail on the way back to bed.
>       >>
>       >> 2. You name your children eudora, aol and dotcom.
>       >>
>       >> 3. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as
>       >> if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
>       >>
>       >> 4. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your
>       >> lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
>       >>
>       >> 5. You laugh at people with modems.
>       >>
>       >> 6. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
>       >>
>       >> 7. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using
>       >> a word processor.com
>       >>
>       >> 8. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
>       >>
>       >> 9. You can't call your mother...she doesn't even have a modem.
>       >>
>       >> 10. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check
>       >> it again.
>       >>
>       >> 11. You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are
>       >> because they have neutral screen names and you never bothered to
>       >> ask.
>       >>
>       >> 12. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you
>       >> landscape.
>       >>
>       >> 13. You tell the cab driver you live at
>       >> http://1000.edison.st/house/brick.html
>       >>
>       >> 14. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

Prepare Three Envelopes...

The CEO had resigned in disgrace, and was leaving his office holding a box of this things when the new CEO arrived to take over.

The outgoing executive told his replacement that it was a tough job, and if she needed help, there were three envelopes in the top drawer of the desk that would help her -- "but only open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," the beaten man said.

The new CEO calmed things down and everything went fine, until the company hit a snag -- just before the Board of Directors' Annual Meeting. She heard rumors that the Board was unhappy with her performance and, not sure what to do, she opened her desk drawer and pulled out the first envelope. The message inside read, "Blame your predecessor."

The new CEO went to the Board meeting and tactfully laid the blame on the previous CEO. Sure enough, within weeks, sales picked up and the problems were soon behind her.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a dip in sales and a product recall. Sure enough, it was right before the annual meeting, so she opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." The company's troubles were forgotten at the Board meeting as the CEO laid out her plan to streamline operations.

Sure enough, the next year the company again was starting to falter just before the annual Board meeting, so the CEO went to her office, closed the door, and opened the third envelope.

The message said, "Prepare three envelopes...."

GUIDE TO UNDERSTANDING THE BRITISH

This has been going around the Internet this week...

GANDHI AND THE LAW PROFESSOR

(Origin unknown: thanks to Rudy Sookbirsingh for passing it on)

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When Mohandas Gandhi was studying law at the University College London, a white professor, whose last name was Peters, disliked him intensely and always displayed prejudice and animosity towards him. Also, because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him, as he expected…. there were always “arguments” and confrontations.

One day, Mr Peters was having lunch at the dining room of the University, and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to the professor. The professor said, “Mr Gandhi, you do not understand. A pig and a bird do not sit together to eat.”

Gandhi looked at him as a parent would a rude child and calmly replied, “You do not worry professor. I’ll fly away,” and he went and sat at another table.

Mr Peters, reddened with rage, decided to take revenge on the next test paper, but Gandhi responded brilliantly to all questions. Mr Peters, unhappy and frustrated, asked him the following question. “Mr Gandhi, if you were walking down the street and found a package, and within was a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money, which one would you take?”

Without hesitating, Gandhi responded, “The one with the money, of course.”

Mr Peters, smiling sarcastically said, “I, in your place, would have taken the wisdom, don’t you think?”

Gandhi shrugged indifferently and responded, “Each one takes what he doesn’t have.”

Mr Peters, by this time, was fit to be tied. So great was his anger that he wrote on Gandhi’s exam sheet the word “idiot” and gave it to Gandhi. Gandhi took the exam sheet and sat down at his desk trying very hard to remain calm while he contemplated his next move.

A few minutes later, Gandhi got up, went to the professor and said to him in a dignified but sarcastically polite tone, “Mr. Peters, you signed the sheet, but you did not give me the grade.”

BLA BLA BLA

I never encountered the frequent use of the phrase "blah blah blah," or "bla bla bla" until a dozen years ago when I moved to El Paso, Texas.  I'd certainly heard or seen the phrase from time to time, but it was not a common expression: and when I did see it written, it was usually "blah blah blah." 

I was struck at how frequently I heard people use this phrase in El Paso upon my arrival in 2004- much more often than when I lived in California or elsewhere in Texas.  I thought perhaps this was a local Borderland colloquialism.  But with the rise of social media in the current decade, it quickly became clear that "bla(h) bla(h) bla(h)" was not a modismo chuco: people all over were using it, and often dropping the silent "h" at the end of "blah," making it "bla bla bla."  Was this a sign of the ever-changing English language?

I now know the answer: apparently not, because I stumbled upon this*: it's a close-up of part of a cartoon postcard from ~1944,  when World War II was raging and Americans experienced rationing of meat, sugar, coffee, and other goods.  Look at the name of the newspaper in the cartoon!  I guess "BLA BLA BLA" goes way way back.

*Image extracted from Figure 20 in Lehmann, D.K., 2015, "World War II Ration Stamps," American Philatelist 129: 950-956.