HoW To KeEp A HeaLthY LeVel Of iNsAniTy aNd dRiVe OtHeR PeOple iNsAnE!

(Originally from Tom Gill Predicts Volume Fifteen, Number Six, September 17, 2000)
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1.  At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. 

2.  Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice. 

3.  Insist that your e-mail address be: zena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com 

4.  Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. 

5.  Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing. 

6.  Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN". 

7.  Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. 

8.  Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. 

9.  In the memo field of all your checks, write"for sexual favors." 

10. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think." 

11. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way. 

12. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy." 

13. dontuseanypunchtuationorspaces 

14A. As often as possible, skip rather than walk. 

14B. Or, walk backwards instead of forwards. (Editor's note: I used to do this occasionally when in college, just to see what the reactions would be.)

15. Ask people what sex they are. 

16. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." 

17. Sing along at the opera. 

18. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme. 

19. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.) 

20. Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them where you're going.  For example: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom. 

21. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. 

22. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood. 

23. Hum when you ride an elevator. (Editor's note: I am known to do this.)

AnD tHe FiNal wAy tO aNnOy PeOple: 

24. Send this to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to 
you! (Editor's note: TOM GILL PREDICTS needs the publicity.  Thank you.)

Embarrassing Medical Exams

These are apocryphal and have been going around the Internet for many, many years. Thanks to Michael Leach for recirculating them.

1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one. Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco 

2... At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,'. . . Replied the patient. Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA 

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her Reporting to the rest of the family that he had Died of a 'massive internal fart.' Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg 

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one?'. .. . I asked. 'The patch.' 'The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA 

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered, ' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.' Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR 

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,' Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.' Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit 

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a Tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, Which said, 'Sorry . . . Had to mow the lawn.' Submitted by RN no name, AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing, further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .. ' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .. ' No doctor but the song you were whistling was, ' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener .' Dr. Wouldn't submit his name.... 

ONE MORE: Baby's First Doctor Visit- This made me laugh out loud. I hope it will give you a smile! A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. 'Breast-fed,' she replied. 'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.' 'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, But I'm glad I came.'

Administratium

(This memo, or a variant of it, has been going around academic institutions and scientific research labs for decades.  I remember seeing it circulated around the Crocker Nuclear Laboratory at the University of California, Davis twenty years or so or more. I was reminded of this last week when I received it as an email which had obviously been forwarded around multiple institutes.)

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by investigators at a major U.S. research university using a nuclear confusion reactor. The element, tentatively named administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons, surrounded by lower-level particles named peons. 

Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than a second. 

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization. 

Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities. It can usually be found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings. 

Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.

My Old El Paso Home, It Blew Away: latest song parody/adaptation

Originally posted as a "Note" on Facebook on June 13, 2009 : adapted from that material.

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“My Oklahoma Home” was written by Agnes and Bill Cunningham, Dust Bowl refugees, in 1965, and published in Broadside magazine. It has been recorded only a few times and until recently was rather obscure: the song was first recorded by Pete Seeger, but most recently strongly popularized by Bruce Springsteen. A great performance of this song from Springsteen’s “Live in Dublin” DVD can be viewed here:  

 

I developed a new version, having been inspired by my sister Mary Lake and her folk music band in Kansas including it in their concert repertoire. I received the lyrics from her in the mail on June 13, 2009.  In the great folk song tradition I adapted and “modified” the lyrics a bit to include an homage to several additional verses published in Broadside in 1967, to fit El Paso’s setting, culture and climate (for example, the Cimarron River is replaced by the Rio Grande, etc.) and work in references to a number of popular songs set in El Paso (can you find them)?

MY OLD EL PASO HOME 
Original lyrics by Agnes and Bill Cunningham, adapted and El-Paso-Ized by Tom Gill, June 13, 2009. © Thomas E. Gill, all rights reserved.

When I was discharged from Fort Bliss I was young and full of zip 
I wanted to stake me out some land 
And so I made a try for some property to buy 
And I settled down along the Rio Grande 

But It blowed away (blown away), it blowed away (blown away) 
My Old El Paso home got blown away 
Well my shack looked sturdy there, till it flew into midair 
My Old El Paso home, it blowed away 

One evening in late June I went down to the saloon 
to have me a fandango with my gal 
but then there came a gust with its thunder and its dust 
and it blew Rosa's Cantina half to hell 

She blowed away (blown away), she blowed away (blown away) 
My sweet El Paso woman blown away 
She was spinning on the floor til she soared right out the door 
My sweet El Paso woman blown away 

I planted chiles and some beans, got some hens and pecan trees 
Cooked ‘em on a mesquite fire, fed my face 
Got a mule to pull the plow, and some Texas longhorn cows 
And I got a fancy mortgage on the place 

Well it blowed away (blown away), it blowed away (blown away) 
All the crops that I had planted, blown away 
Well you can't grow much on land when it's blasted by the sand 
Everything except my mortgage blown away 

It blowed away my chilies and it blowed away my trees 
The chickens and cattle went astray 
All the crops that I had sowed went a-bouncin’ down the road 
My Old El Paso home it blowed away. 

It blowed away (blown away), it blowed away (blown away) 
Everything I owned, it blowed away 
I hollered and I cussed when my house the wind upthrust 
Yes my Old El Paso home it blowed away 

I was left all high and dry listenin’ closely to the sigh 
Of the breezes ‘round the splinters of my shack 
So I launched on down the road, when the springtime west wind blowed 
I traveled with the wind upon my back 

I blowed away (blown away), I blowed away (blown away) 
Chasin' that dust cloud up ahead 
Once it looked so green and fair, now it's up there in the air 
All my El Paso land is overhead 

I’d be always close to home, wherever I would roam 
For Old El Paso dust is everywhere 
Makes no difference where I'm walkin', I can hear my chickens squawkin' 
I can hear Feleena crying in the air 

It blowed away (blown away), it blowed away (blown away) 
Yeah my Old El Paso home is blown away 
But that home is always near, it's up in the atmosphere 
My Old El Paso home is blown away 

I made me one last stand, came back to that piece of land 
I toiled and I raised a brand new shack 
But April’s cruel west wind, it done blew it out again 
Then the east wind roared around and blew it back. 

It blowed away (blown away), it blowed away (blowed away) 
My old El Paso home got blown away 
a big old supercell blasted it halfway to hell 
‘Til it blew back from where it went, next windy day. 

Yes I planted once ag'in, but Mother Nature did me in 
After I prayed at Cristo Rey and wished for luck 
Flash flood from the monsoon left me shriveled like a prune 
And my stuff was strewn amidst the mud and muck 

Floated away (it flowed away), Floated away (it flowed away) 
Yeah, my Old El Paso home got all rained out 
First it blew into a dune, now it’s underwater too 
My Old El Paso home must be bailed out. 

I'm a roamin’ El Pasoan, but I'm always close to home 
And I'll never get homesick until I die 
Billie Joe and Bobbie Sue said hello as they blew through, 
my Old El Paso home is in the sky 

It blowed away (blown away), it blowed away (blowed away) 
My homestead down along the Rio Grande 
But now all around the world, wherever dust is swirled 
There's some come from my Old El Paso sand 

It blowed away (blown away), it blowed away (blown away) 
Yeah my Old El Paso home is blown away 
Yeah it's up there in the sky, in that dust cloud o’e’r’n' by 
My Old El Paso home is blown away 

Dust cloud spreading over Mt. Cristo Rey, late summer 2008. © Thomas E. Gill, all rights reserved.

 

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HOW TO TELL IF THE FOOD IS SPOILED

Originally published in TOM GILL PREDICTS Volume 15 No. 19, forwarded by Alice Gomez.

FOOD SPOILAGE TABLE

THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

EGGS
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. 

Cottage cheese is spoiled when it  starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but 

spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already.

MAYONNAISE
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.

MEAT
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside 

your house, the meat is spoiled.

LETTUCE
Lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet.

CANNED GOODS
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a basketball should be disposed of. Carefully.

CARROTS
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.

WINE
It should not taste like salad dressing.

POTATOES
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

CHIP DIP
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. 

Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.