INNER PEACE

As we celebrate this season of joy, faith, and goodwill towards others, let's be reminded of this message of inner peace.  Author unknown: it's been going around the Internet for at least eight years.

Inner Peace               If you can start the day without caffeine, If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,  If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,  If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,   If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,     If you can take criticism and blame without resentment , If you can conquer tension without medical help, If you can relax without liquor,   If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,    ...Then You Might Be A Dog!      And you thought I was going to get all spiritual.

1943 Guide To Women In The Workplace

A BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE ABOUT GROWING OLDER

A BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE ABOUT GROWING OLDER:

 

 

 

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

Oh Crap

 

I forgot what it was....

 

HOME REMEDIES

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO
HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FAMILY ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT - USE THE SINK.

3. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM
ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

4. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE
AFRAID TO COUGH.

5. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE
AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

6. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, IT'S PROBABLY AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE NORTH AND THE SOUTH

The difference between the North and South in the USA, clearly explained at last....

The North has Bloomingdale's , the South has Dollar General .

 The North has coffee houses, the South has Waffle Houses .

 The North has dating services, the South has family reunions.


 The North has double last names; the South has double first names.

 The North has Indy car races; The South has stock car races .

 North has Cream of Wheat and oatmeal, the South has grits.

 The North has green salads, the South has greens.

 The North has lobsters, the South has crawfish.

 The North has the Rust Belt; the South has the Bible Belt .

 FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . ....
In the South : --If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

 Don't be surprised to find sushi and bait in the same store... Do not buy food at this store...

 Remember, 'Y'all' is singular, 'all y'all' is plural, and 'all y'all's' is plural possessive.

 Get used to hearing 'You ain't from 'round here, are ya?'

 Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective 'big'ol,' truck or 'big'ol' boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

 The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper .

 Be advised that 'He needed killin..' is a valid defense here..

 If you hear a Southerner exclaim, 'Hey, y'all watch this,' by all means GET OUT OF THE WAY!  These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

 If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there, and purchase milk, eggs, and bread.  Apparently there is some belief that making French Toast will minimize the effects of snowstorms.

 Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mommas taught them how to aim.

 In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

DOGS VS. CATS

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary...
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing! 
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing! 
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing! 
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing! 
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing! 
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing! 
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing! 
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing! 
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing! 
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing! 
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing! 



Excerpts from a Cat's Diary…

Day 983 of my captivity. 
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. 

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. 

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards. 

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage. 

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. 

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously mentally incomptent. 

The Bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.........

YOU KNOW YOU LIVE IN EL PASO WHEN...

You know that the only two seasons are summer and Christmas.

You know it's the first day of Spring because the wind gusts hit 50 mph.

You know that it only snows if it was at least 75 the day before.

You see more CHIH MEX than Texas license plates.

You can get sunburned and wind burned in the same hour.

You can give a stranger exact directions to your favorite disco in Juarez.

You hear that anyone who lives on the West side drives a BMW and all the people on the East side are gangsters.

The only national monuments you have been to are White Sands and the Chamizal.

You have a least four T-shirts that have "In loving memory" on the back.

You know where the "real" first Thanksgiving took place.

You grew up thinking Western Playland was the place to be in the summer.

You have tried to fry an egg on the sidewalk in July.

You invest a great deal of money in hair spray in the spring.

The only thing you stocked up on for Y2K were tortillas.

You know what all those letters on the mountain stand for.

You can see three different states and two countries from your backyard.

The first place you go when you come back in town is Chico's Tacos.

When you are lost in Juarez at night, you can always find your way back by looking for the star on the mountain.

You have talked about leaving for about ten years, but you are still here. 

If there is no sun for two days in a row you think that it is the sign of the apocalypse. 

You are mesmerized by the decorations that spin and move and turn colors on Interstate 10. 

You think that anyone with Texan accent is a foreigner.

You no longer associate bridges with water. 

You can say 110 degrees without fainting. 

You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron. 

You discover that in July it takes only two fingers to drive your car.

You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window. 

You know the best parking place is determined by shade 
instead of distance.

You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

You get claustrophobic from simply looking at more than four trees.

Your front lawn doesn't' have grass but rocks. 

You dragged all of your friends and family from out of town to go see Viva El Paso.

You understand and relate to George Lopez.

Instead of boiling Easter eggs, you drain the yolk out, paint them, stuff them with confetti and then crack them on people's heads. 

PONDERISMS

* If you attempt to rob a bank you won't have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years, whether or not you are successful.

 

* Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

 

* What if my dog only brings back my ball because he thinks I like throwing it?

 

* If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

 

* Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

 

* Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?

 

* Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and it just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

 

* Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.

 

* The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims".

 

* Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win.

 

* 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

 

* Your future self is watching you right now through memories.

 

* If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.

 

* Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.

 

* If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.

 

* If 2/2/2222 falls on a Tuesday, we'll just call it "2's Day".

 

 

 

MY FAVORITE ANIMAL

The teacher asked me what my favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.”
She said that wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else laughed.  My parents told me to always tell the truth.  I did.  I love fried chicken.  I told my mother what happened, and she said my teacher probably really loved animals too.  I love animals, especially chicken, pork, and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office.  I told him what happened, and he laughed too.  Then, he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class, my teacher asked me what my favorite LIVE animal was.   I told her it was the chicken.  She asked me why, so I told her it was you could kill it, pluck off its feathers, and fry it…   She sent me back to the principal’s office.  He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don’t understand.  My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher punishes me when I am.  Today, my teacher asked what famous person I admired most.

I told her, “Colonel Sanders.”
Guess where I am now?

AMAZING SEA STORY

(From an email chain letter: Origin unknown.)

Let's see what  day is it? What month is it? What season is it? What year is it? What century is it?  Where am I?  No, it's not dementia, it just depends where on the ship you happened to be.   Interesting little story.

   

 
The passenger  steamer SS Warrimoo was quietly knifing its way through the waters of the  mid-Pacific on its way from Vancouver to Australia. The navigator had just  finished working out a star fix and brought the master, Captain John Phillips,  the result. The Warrimoo's position was LAT 0º 31' N and LON 179 30' W.   The date was 31 December 1899. 

"Know what this  means?" First Mate Payton broke in, "We're only a few miles from the  intersection of the Equator and the International Date Line!"

Captain Phillips  was prankish enough to take full advantage of the opportunity for achieving  the navigational freak of a lifetime.  He called his navigators to the  bridge to check & double check the ships position.  He changed course  slightly so as to bear directly on his mark.  Then he adjusted the engine  speed. The calm weather & clear night worked in his favor.  

At mid-night the  SS Warrimoo lay on the Equator at exactly the point where it crossed the  International Date Line! The consequences of this bizarre position were many:  

The bow of the  ship was in the Southern Hemisphere & in the middle of summer.  

The stern was in  the Northern Hemisphere & in the middle of winter.  

The date in the  aft part of the ship was 31 December 1899.  

In the bow  (forward) part it was 1 January 1900. 

This ship was  therefore not only in two different days, two different months, two different  years, and two different seasons, but it was also in two different centuries -  all at the same time.

 

SOLAR ECLIPSE PLAYLIST

Here are my song choices for a playlist for the total eclipse of the sun that will cross the USA from coast to coast tomorrow.

OK, the obvious:

And to follow that, a dramatic and unusually effective cover in Spanish.  Most English language pop hits do not translate very well into Spanish, but this one did, and Lissette (a Cuban/Puerto Rican American) pop star really captured the emotion as least as well if not better than Bonnie Tyler's original interpretation of the Jim Steinman song:

My favourite singer-songwriter overall is Al Stewart: his song "Timeless Skies" nearly ends with the lyrics, "the sun has the moon in his eyes":

These two hits from 1971 are obvious:

 You may have forgotten this rocker from 1985 from the album "Empire Burlesque," but I personally think it is one of Bob Dylan's best:

Let's not forget this one:

And in a different style altogether:

One of Texas's greatest songwriters is the legendary Rodney Crowell.  He wrote this tune, which was made into a big hit by Bob Seger:

It goes without saying that these should be included:

A radio station in Nebraska is going to be playing Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" at the right moment so that the concluding song "Eclipse" comes on at the exact moment of totality, which ends with the words "the sun is eclipsed by the moon."

Please, don't be doing this other than at moments of full totality, or with the proper eye protection:

or this could happen to you: