Waltzing Matilda for the 21st Century

 

Back five and a half years ago I re-wrote the classic Australian tune, "Waltzing Matilda." Above you can see the legendary Slim Dusty singing the original version.

 

Mine is updated for the modern era and the challenges of the 21st century.  Amazing what the stream of consciousness produces when one starts singing in the shower. 

 

Once a jolly swagman camped by a billabong
Under the shade of a coolibah tree
And he sang as he swam in the waters of the billabong,
"You’ll come a waltzing Matilda with me."

 

But a giant crocodile lived inside that billabong
Under the shade of the coolibah tree
And he sang as he chomped on the swagman in the billabong,
"He came a waltzing matilda to me."

 

When a bloody poacher came upon the billabong
He found the croc and killed it with glee
And he sang as he skinned that seven meter crocodile
"I’ll be a waltzing Matilda with thee.."

 

Up rode the warden in his brand new 4 X 4 
Out came his deputies one two three
As they handcuffed the poacher he shouted at the billabong
"They came a Waltzing matilda for me!"

 

Got himself a barrister, best in all the territory
Soon he was sprung on a technicality
As he sauntered from the courthouse, standing tall and walking free
They went a waltzing, Matilda and he.

 

Then global warming dried up all the billabong
Left just the trunk of the coolibah tree
And the wind moans as sand dunes shift across the billabong,
"You’ll come a waltzing Matilda with me."

 

-(Original lyrics by Banjo Patterson, modified and rewritten in part by  Tom Gill Dec. 7, 2008.)

CLAUDE THE HYPNOTIST AT THE OLD FOLKS' HOME

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center.
 
After the community sing song led by Alice at the piano, It was time for the Star of the Show- Claude the  Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of  you and all at the same time," said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. I want you to keep your eyes on this watch," said Claude,  holding the watch high for all to see. "It is a very special and valuable watch that has been  in my family for  six  generations," said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch ---  Watch  the watch ----Watch the watch..."
 
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights twinkled as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!! The beautiful antique gold pocket watch  that had been in Claude's family for  six generations fell to the stage and burst apart on impact!

"SHIT," said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Center. And Claude was never invited to entertain again.
 

WHY?

Truths for your amusement...

Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

Why do people order double bacon cheeseburgers, large fries, and a Diet Coke?

Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage?

EVER WONDER...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors and attorneys call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff??
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If flying is so safe,why do they call the airport the terminal?

ALLEGED ACTUAL TEST ANSWERS FROM CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL

 

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINNESS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

 

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK.NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURINGTHE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

 

6.  THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES

WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS. 

 

7.  THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

        

8. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE

HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

        

9. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO

STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

        

10. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE

FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

        

11. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

        

12. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA

CARTA.

13.. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND

JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

14. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.


15. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

        

16. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS

BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOES NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

17. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET

THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

18. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

        

19.  THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

        

20. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

21.  ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY

WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

22. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

MEMO FROM HUMAN RESOURCES

  Dear Employees:
 
  It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
  throughout the company have been using foul language during the 
 course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
 
  Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily
  offended,   this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
 
  We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to
  accurately   express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
 
  Therefore, a list of sixteen New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases
 have been  provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can 
 continue in an  effective manner.
 
  Number 1
  TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
  INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the &!^&#  you're doing.
 
  Number 2
  TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
  INSTEAD OF: And when the &!^&# do you expect me to do this?
 
  Number 3
  TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
  INSTEAD OF: No &!^&# way.
 
  Number 4
  TRY SAYING: Really?
  INSTEAD OF: No &!^&# ?
 
  Number 5
  TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
  INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a &!^&#
 
  Number 6
  TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in that project.
  INSTEAD OF: It's not my &!^&# problem.
 
  Number 7
  TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
  INSTEAD OF: What the &!^&# ?
 
  Number 8
  TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
  INSTEAD OF: This &!^&# won't work.
 
  Number 9
  TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
  INSTEAD OF: Why the &!^&# didn't you tell me sooner?
 
  Number 10
  TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
  INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his &!^&#.
 
  Number 11
  TRY SAYI NG: Excuse me, sir?
  INSTEAD OF: &!^&# &!^&# and die.
 
  Number 12
  TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
  INSTEAD OF: &!^&#, I'm on salary.
 
  Number 13
  TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
  INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your &!^&#.
 
  Number 14
  TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
  INSTEAD OF: This &!^&# job sucks.
 
  Number 15
  TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
  INSTEAD OF: Who the &!^&# died and made you boss?
  

 Number 16
  TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
  INSTEAD OF: He's a &!^&#.
 
  Thank You,
  Human Resources