THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE NORTH AND THE SOUTH

The difference between the North and South in the USA, clearly explained at last....

The North has Bloomingdale's , the South has Dollar General .

 The North has coffee houses, the South has Waffle Houses .

 The North has dating services, the South has family reunions.


 The North has double last names; the South has double first names.

 The North has Indy car races; The South has stock car races .

 North has Cream of Wheat and oatmeal, the South has grits.

 The North has green salads, the South has greens.

 The North has lobsters, the South has crawfish.

 The North has the Rust Belt; the South has the Bible Belt .

 FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . ....
In the South : --If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

 Don't be surprised to find sushi and bait in the same store... Do not buy food at this store...

 Remember, 'Y'all' is singular, 'all y'all' is plural, and 'all y'all's' is plural possessive.

 Get used to hearing 'You ain't from 'round here, are ya?'

 Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective 'big'ol,' truck or 'big'ol' boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

 The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper .

 Be advised that 'He needed killin..' is a valid defense here..

 If you hear a Southerner exclaim, 'Hey, y'all watch this,' by all means GET OUT OF THE WAY!  These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

 If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there, and purchase milk, eggs, and bread.  Apparently there is some belief that making French Toast will minimize the effects of snowstorms.

 Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mommas taught them how to aim.

 In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

DOGS VS. CATS

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary...
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing! 
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing! 
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing! 
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing! 
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing! 
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing! 
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing! 
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing! 
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing! 
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing! 
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing! 



Excerpts from a Cat's Diary…

Day 983 of my captivity. 
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. 

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. 

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards. 

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage. 

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. 

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously mentally incomptent. 

The Bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.........

YOU KNOW YOU LIVE IN EL PASO WHEN...

You know that the only two seasons are summer and Christmas.

You know it's the first day of Spring because the wind gusts hit 50 mph.

You know that it only snows if it was at least 75 the day before.

You see more CHIH MEX than Texas license plates.

You can get sunburned and wind burned in the same hour.

You can give a stranger exact directions to your favorite disco in Juarez.

You hear that anyone who lives on the West side drives a BMW and all the people on the East side are gangsters.

The only national monuments you have been to are White Sands and the Chamizal.

You have a least four T-shirts that have "In loving memory" on the back.

You know where the "real" first Thanksgiving took place.

You grew up thinking Western Playland was the place to be in the summer.

You have tried to fry an egg on the sidewalk in July.

You invest a great deal of money in hair spray in the spring.

The only thing you stocked up on for Y2K were tortillas.

You know what all those letters on the mountain stand for.

You can see three different states and two countries from your backyard.

The first place you go when you come back in town is Chico's Tacos.

When you are lost in Juarez at night, you can always find your way back by looking for the star on the mountain.

You have talked about leaving for about ten years, but you are still here. 

If there is no sun for two days in a row you think that it is the sign of the apocalypse. 

You are mesmerized by the decorations that spin and move and turn colors on Interstate 10. 

You think that anyone with Texan accent is a foreigner.

You no longer associate bridges with water. 

You can say 110 degrees without fainting. 

You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron. 

You discover that in July it takes only two fingers to drive your car.

You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window. 

You know the best parking place is determined by shade 
instead of distance.

You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

You get claustrophobic from simply looking at more than four trees.

Your front lawn doesn't' have grass but rocks. 

You dragged all of your friends and family from out of town to go see Viva El Paso.

You understand and relate to George Lopez.

Instead of boiling Easter eggs, you drain the yolk out, paint them, stuff them with confetti and then crack them on people's heads.