IT STARTS WITH A STRAY CAT

This week be bring you back to TOM GILL PREDICTS-  Volume Fifteen, Number Twenty-Two
October 29, 2000, and an item originally forwarded by Alice Gomez.
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Stray cats will not be fed.

Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat
food moistened with a little milk.

Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat
food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and
leftover fish scraps.

Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked
up and cuddled unnecessarily.

Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and
cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.

Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed
inside the house at any time.

Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to
jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.

Stray cats will be permitted on furniture but must
sharpen claws on new $114.99 sisal rope scratching
post with three perches.

Stray cats will sleep outside.

Stray cats will sleep in the garage.

Stray cats will sleep in the house, but not in my bed.

Stray cats will sleep in our bed, but not under the covers.

Stray cats will not play on the desk.

Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer.

Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer
keyboard on the desk when the human is using it.

Stray cats will not CJDJBEFUBEDBVKJB KNCX ZXMNLJN! 

BEWARE OF GREEKS BEARING GIFTS

This week we reprint a classic from TOM GILL PREDICTS-  Volume 15, No. 49, from March 2001.

It is based by an email chain letter that was going around the Internet 13 years ago.
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Imagine if the ancient world had email... and set yourself in ancient Troy, in what turned out to
be the final days of the Trojan War.   And imagine that you had been copied in to these emails.


=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
 FROM: laocoon@doomgloom.edu <mailto:laocoon@doomgloom.edu>
TO: hector@studmuffin.com <mailto:hector@studmuffin.com>



 Hey Hector,

This was forwarded to me by Cassandra--it looks legit. Please
distribute to Priam, Hecuba, and your 99 siblings.

Thanks,
Laocoon

=========================================
WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!

IF YOU RECEIVE A GIFT IN THE SHAPE OF A LARGE WOODEN HORSE DO NOT
ACCEPT IT!!!! It is EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE and will destroy  your ENTIRE CITY!

The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories
tall. It tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to be abandoned.

DO NOT let it through the gates! It contains hardware that is incompatible with Trojan
programming, including a crowd of heavily armed Greek warriors that will destroy your army,
sack your town, and kill your women and children. If you have already received such a gift,
DO NOT OPEN IT! Take it back out of the city unopened and set fire to it by the beach.

FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!

from Poseidon

 =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

FROM: hector@studmuffin.com <mailto:hector@studmuffin.com>
TO: laocoon@doomgloom.edu <mailto:laocoon@doomgloom.edu>
RE: Greeks bearing gifts

 Laocoon,

I hate to break to you, but this is one of the oldest hoaxes there is. I've seen variants on this
warning come through on other listservs, one involving some kind of fruit that was supposed
to kill the people who ate it and one having to do with something called the "Midas Touch."

Here are a few tipoffs that this is a hoax:

1) This "Forward this message to everyone you know" crap. If it were really meant as a warning
about the Greek army, why tell anyone to post it to the Phonecians, Sumerians, and Cretans?

2) Use of exclamation points. Always a giveaway.

3) It's signed "from Poseidon." Granted he's had his problems with Odysseus but he's one of
their guys, isn't he? Besides, the lack of a real header with a detailed address makes me suspicious.

4) Technically speaking, there is no way for one horse to destroy your entire city. A horse is just an
animal, after all.

Next time you get a message like this, just delete it. I appreciate your concern, but once you've
been around the block a couple times you'll realize how annoying this kind of stuff is.

Bye now,

Hector

THE FOREIGNER'S TRAVEL GUIDE TO TEXAS

This week, we revisit TOM GILL PREDICTS Volume 15, No. 54 from early 2001, and an

item originally forwarded by Jeff Lee- The Foreigner's Travel Guide to Texas.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Those of you who are not from the Lone Star State might find the following advice helpful:

Don't expect to find sushi or pasta primavera at the local restaurant. It's
a cafe. They serve burgers and chicken fried steak. Let them cook something
they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

Don't laugh at names like Lee Roy, Billy Bob, Billy Joe, Billy Ray, Tammy
Sue, Bubba or Sissy or you'll get your ass kicked.

Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. In Texas it's called a coke (or,
in some places, a coldrink- that's with one syllable, mind you.)  Nobody gives
a darn whether it's Pepsi, Mountain Dew, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever, we call it a 
coke or coldrink. Accept it or you're in for an ass kicking.

We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (read some J.
Frank Dobie). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer than
you. Don't refer to us as hay seeds, goat ropers or hicks or you'll get your
ass kicked.  And WHATEVER you do, NEVER call us an "Okie."

We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Howard Hughes, H. Ross Perot,
Southwest Airlines, Dell Computers). Naturally, sometimes we have small
lapses in judgment (e.g., Phil Gramm). Certainly, we are not stupid enough
to let someone move to our state just so they can run for the United States
Senate. If anyone tried to do that here, they would get their ass kicked.

Don't laugh at our war monuments. If Lee had listened to General Hood you'd
be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. When you visit the Alamo,
take your hat off and be properly humbled or we'll kick your ass.

We are fully aware of how hot it gets and high the humidity is, so shut up
about it. If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen, or we'll kick
your ass.

Do not attempt to eat tamales without first removing the cornhusk casing.
Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee and think you're stupid. DO
NOT, under any circumstances, ever say the chili is too hot or your steak
is too rare. Such talk will generate a serious ass kicking.

Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know they are
not. We've been to your hellholes like Detroit, Chicago, New York and Hollywood,
and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready
when you are. Haul your happy ass back home before it gets kicked back.

Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We say things like "ain't," "fixin'
to" and "ya'll" so we won't sound like you. We don't care if you understand
us or not. We Texans understand each other and that's all that matters.
Leave us be or we'll kick your ass.

Don't complain that certain parts of this state "smell" like oil. Oil is
Texas Gold and besides, if your livelihood depended on those wells you'd
love the aroma like we do.  None of our lakes or rivers have caught fire
lately so don't you dare whine about our scenic beauty or you'll get your
ass kicked.

Don't ridicule our Texas manners. We say grace, sir and ma'am and we hold
the door for our women and old folks. Such things are expected here. Behave
yourselves around our sweet little old grandmothers cause they can kick some
ass too.

Don't think we're simpletons or losers because many of us live in small
towns. We do this because we have enough sense to not live in crime infested
cesspools like Washington D.C. Make fun of our small towns and the whole
town will kick your ass.

DON'T YOU DARE tell us how to cook barbecue. That will get your ass shot.
Criticize the barbecue and you'll go home in a pine box-minus your ass.

Remember, the only reason you are lucky enough to be here in the first place
is because we have not yet moved the Border Patrol to the Red River where it
really belongs, to keep your ass out.

CLASSIFIED ADS

This week we revisit TOM GILL PREDICTS-  Volume Fifteen, Number Twenty-Eight from December 3, 2000.
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These items were supposedly taken from actual classified ads in newspapers in the 1990s.  Forwarded originally by Kathy Bachman.
  
    
    FREE PUPPIES:
    
    1/2 COCKER SPANIEL -
    
    1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
    
    _____________________
    
    FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER
    
    8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG
    
    _____________________
    
    FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD -
    
    PART STUPID DOG
    
    _____________________
    
    GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 LBS.
    
    NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
    
    _____________________
    
    FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.
    
    LOOKS LIKE A RAT...
    
    BEEN OUT AWHILE...
    
    _____________________
    
    1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -
    
    $850/offer
    
    _____________________
    
    AMANA WASHER $100
    
    OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR
    
    WHO SELDOM WASHED.
    
    _____________________
    
    SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...
    
    ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
    
    _____________________
    
    2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES:
    
    1 5-FINGER, 1-3-FINGER, PAIR: $15
    
    _____________________
    
    COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED...
    
    ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
    
    _____________________
    
    NORDIC TRACK $300
    
    HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBIE
    
    _____________________
    
    SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA -
    
    FREE CHOPSTICKS
    
    _____________________
    
    HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER
    
    "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
_________________________________
    
    GET A LITTLE JOHN:
    
    THE TRAVELING URINAL THAT
    
    HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER.
    
    _____________________
    
    HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
    
    _____________________
    
    GEORGIA PEACHES
    
    CALIFORNIA GROWN -
    
    89 cents lb.
    
    _____________________
    
    NICE PARACHUTE:
    
    NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE
    
    SLIGHTLY STAINED
    
    _____________________
    
    FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.
    
    _____________________
    
    AMERICAN FLAG
    
    60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED
    
    $100
    
    _____________________
    
    TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR?
    
    WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS.
    
    STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
    
    _____________________
    
    EXERCISE EQUIPMENT:
    
    QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS - $175
    
    _____________________
    
    OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB
    
    AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
    
    _____________________
    
    JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
    
    MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300
    _____________________
    
    LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.
    
    _____________________
    
    ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES
    
    FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.
    
    _____________________
    
    GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.
    
    _____________________
    
    OPEN HOUSE
    
    BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
    
    FREE COFFEE & DONUTS.
    
    _____________________
    
    FOR SALE BY OWNER
    
    Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45  volumes.
    
    Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer.
    
    No longer needed.
    
    Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.