HOW TO SING THE BLUES

Jeff Lee was sharing amusing stuff online more than a dozen years ago.  

Here we reprint TOM GILL PREDICTS-  Volume 15, no.50, March 31, 2001-

based on an email forwarded by Jeff. 

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 How to Sing the Blues:
     
(attributed originally to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky)
     
      1. Most blues begin: "Woke up this morning."
     
      2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the
         blues, unless you stick something nasty in the
         next line.
             I got a good woman--
             with the meanest dog in town.
     
      3. Blues are simple. After you have the first
         line right, repeat it. Then find something that
         rhymes. Sort of.
            Got a good woman
            with the meanest dog in town.
            He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
            and he weighs 'bout 500 pound.
     
      4. The blues are not about limitless choice.
     
      5. Blues cars are Chevys and Cadillacs. Other
         acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound
         bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a
         major part in the blues lifestyle. So does
         fixin' to die.
     
      6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing
         the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to
         get the electric chair if you shoot a man in
         Memphis.
     
      7. You can have the blues in New York City, but
         not in Brooklyn or Queens.  Hard times in
         Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression.
         Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still
         the best places to have the blues.
     
      8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
              a. violet
              b. beige
              c. mauve
     
      9. You can't have the blues in an office or a
         shopping mall.  The lighting is just wrong.
     
      10. Good places for the Blues:
           a. the highway
           b. the jailhouse
           c. the empty bed
     
          Bad places for the Blues
           a. Ashrams
           b. Gallery openings
           c. weekend in the Hamptons
     
      11.  No one will believe it's the blues if you
           wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old
           black man.
     
      12.  Do you have the right to sing the blues?
     
           Yes, if:
           a. your first name is a southern state--like Georgia
           b. you're blind
           c. you shot a man in Memphis.
           d. you can't be satisfied.
     
           No, if:
           a. you were once blind but now can see.
           b. you're deaf
           c. you have a trust fund.
     
      13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand
          are capable of singing the blues.
     
      14. If you ask for water and baby gives you
          gasoline, it's the blues.  Other blues
          beverages are:
           a. wine
           b. Irish whiskey
           c. muddy water
           d. one bourbon, one scotch and one beer
     
          Blues beverages are NOT:
           a. Any mixed drink
           b. Any wine kosher for Passover
           c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)
     
     15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun
          shack, it's blues death. Stabbed in the back
          by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So
          is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being
          denied treatment in an emergency room.
     
          It is not a blues death if you die during a
          liposuction treatment.
     
      16. Some Blues names for Women
             a. Sadie
             b. Big Mama
             c. Bessie
     
      17. Some Blues Names for Men
           a. Joe
           b. Willie
           c. Little Willie
           d. Lightnin'
          Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia
          will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter
          how many men they shoot in Memphis.
     
      18. Other Blues Names (Mix and Match Starter Kit)
     
          a. Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
          b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
          c. Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

Farmer Joe and his mule Bessie

Reprinted from TOM GILL PREDICTS-  Volume Fifteen, Number Thirty-Six

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And now, the story of Farmer Joe and his mule Bessie, forwarded by Jeanette Martin.

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious
 enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court.  
      In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,' ?" said the lawyer. 

Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened.
I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the......."
 
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just
 answer the question."  "Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'  ?"
      
      Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

      The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine.  Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.  Please tell him to simply answer the question."

      By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
      
      Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.
      
      I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.  However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning.  I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.  After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me."  

      He told me, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are YOU feeling?"

BAD ADVERTISEMENTS

(Reprinted from TOM GILL PREDICTS-  Volume Fifteen, Number Forty, February 4, 2001)
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BAD ADS: These were culled from actual newspaper classified advertisements. 

2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234.
Leave mess.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered, like one of the family.

Dinner Special-Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large
drawers.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to
take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

For Sale-Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Great Dames for sale.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in
the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns bread.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots
of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References
required.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

3-year-old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and
smacks included.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll
never go anywhere again.

Are you illiterate? Write today for free help.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross
and salary.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume
general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth
of family.

And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,
unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for
$1.00.

++++++++++++
STRANGE WEIRD THOUGHTS

Back Up My Hard Drive?  How do I Put it in Reverse?

I just got lost in thought.  It was unfamiliar territory.

Everyone has a photographic memory.  Some don't have film.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

I'm always late.  My ancestors arrived on the JuneFlower.

You have the right to remain silent.  Anything you say will be
misquoted, then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Classic TGP: Rich Man, Fat Man (A Reprint of Vol. 5 No. 13)