HOSPITAL CHART BLOOPERS

Hospital Chart Bloopers (a tip of the hat to Jeff Lee for  passing these along)

 

1. The patient refused autopsy.

 

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

 

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

 

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

 

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

 

6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

 

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

 

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

 

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

 

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

 

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

 

12. She is numb from her toes down.

 

13. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

 

14. The skin was moist and dry.

 

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

 

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

 

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

 

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

 

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

 

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

 

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

 

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

 

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

 

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

 

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

TEXAS SURGEONS

Three surgeons from Texas were golfing together and discussing operations they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas.  A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident. I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said, "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident.  I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in track & field at the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Many years ago some cowboys who were drunk and high on cocaine decided to see who could survive riding their horses head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour.  
All I had left to work with was a mashed-up mess of horse's asses and a cowboy hat. I put 'em all back together and they all went on to become politicians running for President."

LAS VEGAS

Many people are surprised that "sin city" Las Vegas is really quite a conservative place. There is a Mormon church on almost every corner, and there are more Catholic churches there than casinos. Not so surprising, however, is the fact that some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed. Since they get chips from so many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting, and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in. This is done by a chip monk.

THINGS TO PONDER (author unknown)

A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

How come it takes so little time for a child who is
afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to
stay out all night?

Business conventions are important because they
demonstrate how many people a company can operate
without.

Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than
everyone else looks?

Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.

No one has more driving ambition than the boy who
wants to buy a car.

There are no new sins....the old ones just get more
publicity.

There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong
number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.

Think about this..., No one ever says "It's only a
game" when his team is winning

Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make
him wag his tail.

The nicest thing about the future is that it always
starts tomorrow.

If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't
have any sense at all.

Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way
you're going to like it.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody
has the same size bucket.

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have
thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more
comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in
every joint, you are probably dead.