A 33-YEAR OLD DISCLAIMER FROM TOM GILL PREDICTS

TOM GILL PREDICTS has been around for a long time.  For a while, it was on Usenet.  Who remembers Usenet?  Here's a shout out to my disclaimer from 1985:

https://groups.google.com/forum/#!topic/net.bizarre/Zue8Gr8riI8

"WARNING: No person, organization, institution, partnership, cooperative,
 association, species, genus, family, order, phylum, class, animal,
 vegetable, mineral, nor any other entity or non-entity, ever existent,
 alive, dead, defunct, solvent, or contemplated, or not so deemed, from the
 past, present or future, is now, ever was, nor ever will be responsible for
 the content or lack of content of this publication.  Void where prohibited,
 use only as directed.  Don't eat this paper."

If Earth Scientists Were American Football Players

Quarterback = meteorologist (a small part of the roster but the one most of the general public knows and they always get the air time)

Defensive End/ pass rush specialist linebacker = Petroleum geologist (can bring in the big bucks if very good at what they do)

Wide receiver = volcanologist (can be flashy and well known by the public)

Running back = seismologist (can be flashy and well known by the public)

Fullback = structural geologist (unsung but sets the groundwork for much of the play)

Center = geochemist (often unsung but literally things can’t get going without them)

Offensive guard = geomorphologist (generally obscure and not well known)

Kick/punt returner = paleontologist (can be flashy and become a star if successful, but not of high value to most teams)

Defensive back = climatologist (becoming more and more important in the public eye)

Offensive tackle = sedimentologist/stratigrapher (generally obscure and under-appeciated)

Tight end = hydrologist (can be crucial to overall team success, occasionally important and well known to general public)

Special teams player on punt/kick plays = oceanographer  (covers a huge amount of ground but not well known outside of specialist circles)

Defensive interior line = petrologist, mineralogist (often unsung and not well known but the stuff they deal with is the  very basis of much that goes on)

Inside/run coverage linebacker = geophysicist, other non-seismologist (generally unsung and obscure and under-appreciated)

Kicker/punter = engineering/economic geologist (can score crucial points and get public acclaim or criticism depending on what they do)

Long snapper = soil scientist (who are they? Such a thing exists?  But some plays that count on the scoreboard must start with them)

What's The Weirdest Thing You Remember Misunderstanding As A Kid?

Inspired by a tweet- and some hilarious responses- what's the weirdest thing YOU remember misunderstanding as a kid? For me, some come to mind:

(1) I thought "To Be Announced" was the name of an actual television show.

(2) for a year or two until I wised up, I thought the road sign "Speed Checked by Radar" meant that the character from M*A*S*H might be hiding somewhere with a speed gun.

(3) I got convinced by my parents that Colonel Sanders was some kind of amazing superhero flying between KFC shops at the speed of light, personally cooking every piece of chicken. "Now, Tommy, have patience, we have to wait for the Colonel to get here."

(4) I thought the word "damn" was actually "dam" and you shouldn't say it because it might cause the dam to break and cause a flood.

(5) When I first started to learn geography, I took place names literally: there were fins all over everything (fins to the left? fins to the right?) in Finland, the country Turkey was made out of or full of turkeys, time went by faster in Rapid City, everyone in Jamestown was named James, etc. And I somehow made the discovery that Cincinnati was in Kentucky. I remember having an argument with my Uncle Henry, who lived there, that he actually lived in Kentucky, not Ohio, and that it was also spelled with an S: Sinsinnati.

(6) I thought that "allspice" was actually a mix of all spices. One day I decided to be nice to my mama and make some, and my dad caught me dumping out all of the stuff from the jars in her spice rack and mixing it together in a big bowl.

To be entertained (hilariously!) further, bring up this thread on Twitter:

What’s the weirdest thing you remember misunderstanding as a kid? I thought adultery meant “pretending to be an adult.”

"Buckets of Nothing": KFC Runs Out Of Chicken. Tom Gill Cues Dire Straits To Write A Parody.

I heard the news the other day that, of all things, Kentucky Fried Chicken in the U.K.had... ran out of chicken.  Oops.  (True, once I went to my local Taco Bell, where they informed me they had run out of tortillas.  I wound up buying a cupful of beans and cheese).

NEW YORK TIMES: KFC Has a Problem in Britain: Not Enough Chicken

This morning, I saw a headline that they had returned to their original supplier, and the British KFCs were gradually re-chicken-izing: 

KFC returns to original supplier after chicken shortage fiasco

Yes, by rehiring Bidvest Logistics, KFC went back to its "original recipe" for chicken deliveries.  Chicken deliveries.  Custom chicken deliveries.   I want my KFC!  Ah!  Dire Straits rose again, at least in my mind, and thus imagine the timeless rock classic 

re-imagined with my lyrics: 

(I want my KFC...

I want my KFC...

I want my KFC...) 

Now lookee here Colonel, that’s not how you do it

you’re out of chicken at the KFC

That ain't workin', that's not how to do it

Buckets of' nothin' cause the chicks ran free

Now that ain't workin' that's not how to do it

Lemme tell ya the Colonel’s dumb

Maybe drink some gravy 'cause it's finger-lickin',

Maybe drain the fryer just to find a crumb

You better call up new suppliers, custom chicken deliveries

You gotta move those fries and that gravy, you gotta move those barbecue beans...

Coulda got McNuggets with the honey and the ketchup

Yeah buddy it’s boom like that

Shoulda gone to Nando’s for some peri-peri

Shoulda gone to Dixy for tortilla wraps

You better call up new suppliers, custom chicken deliveries

You gotta move those fries and that gravy, you gotta move those barbecue beans

I shoulda learned how to make my own dinner

I shoulda learned to bring my lunch

Look at that mama she got it cookin’ in the kitchen

Man, we could eat a bunch

And he's up there, what's that?

Fryin’ noises?

Fish and chips and pudding with a cup of tea

That ain't workin' that's not how you do it

No drumsticks or nothin', guess the chicks ran free…

(I want my, I want my KFC…)

(I want my, I want my KFC…)

(I want my, I want my KFC…)

THE LAWS OF INVERSE NEGATIVE DYNAMICS

(origin unknown)

1.   Law of Mechanical Repair -  After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch, and you'll have to pee.

2.  Law of Gravity -  Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

3.  Law of Probability -  The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4.  Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

5.   Variation Law   -  If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.  

6.  Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

7.   Law of Close Encounters   -  The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

8.  Law of the Result -  When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

9.  Law of Biomechanics -  The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

10.  The Coffee Law   - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss (or your spouse) will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

12.  Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent locker.

3.  Law of Physical Surfaces -  The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

14.  Law of Logical Argument -  Anything is possible especially IF you don't know what you are talking about.

15.   Law of Physical Appearance -  If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

16.  Law of Public Speaking-  A closed mouth gathers no feet!

17.  Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!

18.  Doctors' Law -  If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

KIDS ARE QUICK

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TEACHER:   Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA:       Here it is.
TEACHER:  Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS:        Maria.
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TEACHER:  John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:         You told me to do it without using tables.
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TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN:       K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L.
TEACHER:  No, that's wrong
GLENN:       Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
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TEACHER:  Raheem, what is the chemical formula for water?
RAHEEM:     H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:  What are you talking about?
RAHEEM:     Yesterday you said it's H to O.
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TEACHER:  Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE:     Me!
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TEACHER:  Galen, why do you always get so dirty?
GALEN:        Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER:    Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE:          I is..
TEACHER:    No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE:          All right...  'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
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TEACHER:   George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.  Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIE:     Because George still had the axe in his hand.
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TEACHER:  Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:      No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
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TEACHER:   Claude , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLAUDE :       No, sir.  It's the same dog.
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TEACHER:     Terry, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
TERRY:       A teacher!

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