CONVERSIONS

  1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
  2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
  3. 1 millionth of a minty mouthwash = 1 microScope
  4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement= 1
     bananosecond
  5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
  6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile perhour =
     Knotfurlong
  7. 365.25 days of drinking low calorie beer = 1 Lite year
  8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
  9. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon
10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
11. Basic unit of laryngitis - 1 hoarsepower
12. Shortest distance between two jokes - a straight line
13. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
14. 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
15. 1 million bicycles = 1 megacycle
16. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
17. 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
18. 10 cards = 1 decacard
19. 52 cards = 1 deckacard
20. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 fig Newton
21. 1000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen
22. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
23. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
24. 10 rations = 1 decaration
25. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
26. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
27. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
28. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University
     Hospital = 1 I.V. League

DISORDER IN THE COURT- PART II

More actual excerpts from courtroom testimony, selected from collections which have been going around the Internet for years.  

* Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good

look at my face when I took your purse?"


* Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"

* Witness: "July 15th."

* Lawyer: "What year?"

* Witness: "Every year."


* Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your

house?"

* Witness: "There was a rifle that belonged to my
father that was stolen from the hall closet."

* Lawyer: "Can you identify the rifle?"

* Witness: "Yes. There was something written on the
side of it."

* Lawyer: "And what did the writing say?"

* Witness: "'Winchester'!"


* Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the

impact?"

* Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."


* Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who

attacked you looked like?"

* Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."

* Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"

* Witness: "Er...his face."


* Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect

your memory at all?"

* Witness: "Yes."

* Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your
memory?"

* Witness: "I forget."

* Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of
something that you've forgotten?"



* Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with
you?"

* Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't
remember which."

* Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"

* Witness: "Forty-five years."


* Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said

to you when he woke that morning?"

* Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"

* Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"

* Witness: "My name is Susan."


* Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?"

* Witness: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."


* Lawyer: "Did you blow your horn or anything?"

* Witness: "After the accident?"

* Lawyer: "Before the accident."

* Witness: "Sure, I played for ten years. I even went
to school for it."


* Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant,

were your red and blue lights flashing?"

* Witness: "Yes."

* Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got
out of her car?"

* Witness: "Yes, sir."

* Lawyer: "What did she say?"

* Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"


* Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,

did you check for a pulse?"

* Witness: "No."

* Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

* Witness: "No."

* Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"

* Witness: "No."

* Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was
alive when you began the autopsy?"

* Witness: "No."

* Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"

* Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in
a jar."

* Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive
nevertheless?"

* Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been
alive and practicing law somewhere in Oklahoma."


* Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time

of the collision?"


* Lawyer: "And you check your radar unit frequently?"

* Officer: "Yes, I do."

* Lawyer: "And was your radar unit functioning
correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?"

* Officer: "Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly."


* Lawyer: "What happened then?"

* Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you
because you can identify me.'"

* Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"

* Witness: "No."


* Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and

honest man--"

* Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd
return the compliment."


* Witness: "He was about medium height and had a

beard."

* Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"


* Lawyer: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate

honeymoon, didn't you?"

* Witness: "I went to Europe, sir."

* Lawyer: "And you took your new wife?"


* Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you

recognize that picture."

* Witness: "That's me."

* Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was
taken?"


* Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when

you were sworn in?"


* Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?"

* Witness: "Four times."




*Lawyer: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
*Witness: We both do.
*Lawyer: Voodoo?
*Witness: We do.
*Lawyer: You do?
*Witness: Yes, voodoo.

*Lawyer: Now, Doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
*Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

DISORDER IN THE COURT

A collection of actual excerpts from courtroom testimony has been going around the Internet for years.  It apparently dates back to a book titled 'Humor in the Court' published in 1977. Here are some excerpts:
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his
first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and
pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first
name!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr.
Cherney, and said he was really good.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able,
for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone
also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do
you go to?
A. Oral.
A. How old are you?
A. Oral.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was
a victim?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: ...and what did he do then?
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe
with respect to your scalp?
A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q: It was covered?
A: Yes, bandaged.
Q: Then, later on.. what did you see?
A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on
top of my head.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this
defendant?
A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that son-of-a-bitch,
and she did!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial
instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective
witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas?
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A: It indicates intercourse.
Q: Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: (Showing man picture.) That's you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
A: I have only one, you know.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: You say you're innocent, yet five people swore they saw you steal a
watch.
A: Your Honor, I can produce 500 people who didn't see me steal it.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: At the time you first saw Dr. McCarty, had you ever seen him prior to
that time?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did the lady standing the driveway subsequently identify herself to
you?
A: Yes, she did.
Q: Who did she say she was?
A: She said she was the owner of the dog's wife.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: I understand you're Bernie Davis's mother.
A: Yes.
Q: How long have you known him?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Now, I'm going to show you what has been marked as State's Exhibit No.
2 and ask if you recognize the picture?
A: John Fletcher.
Q: That's you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Please state the location of your right foot immediately prior to
impact.
A: Immediately before the impact, my right foot was located at the
immediate end of my right leg.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most
cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until
the next morning?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Were you alone or by yourself?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: So you were gone until you returned?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid
question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike
the next question."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes
Q: How many were boys?
A: None
Q: Were there girls?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like,
but can you describe it?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr.
Edington at the Rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. the autopsy started about 8:30 pm.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid [jerk], he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
doing an autopsy!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

NEW SONGS FOR OLD ARTISTS

Artists from the '60s and '70s are updating some of their hit songs to age along with their audience...

1. Herman's Hermits
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a  Lovely Walker

2. The Bee Gees
How Can You Mend a Broken Hip

3. Bobby Darin
Splish Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash

4. Ringo Starr
I Get By With a Little Help from Depends

5. Roberta Flack
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

6. Johnny Nash
I Can't See Clearly Now

7. Paul Simon
Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

8. Commodores
Once, Twice, Three Times to the Toilet

9. Marvin Gaye
I Heard it Through the Grape-Nuts

10. Procol Harum
A Whiter Shade of Hair

11. Leo Sayer
You Make Me Feel Like Napping

12. The Temptations
Papa Has A Kidney Stone

13. Abba
Denture Queen

14. Tony  Orlando
Knock 3 Times (on the Ceiling if You Hear Me Fall)

15. Helen Reddy
I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore

16. Willie Nelson
On the Throne Again

17. Lesley Gore
It's My Procedure and I'll Cry if I Want To

When Yogurt Is Not Really Yogurt: Buyer Beware

I love Greek yogurt.  Since its wide availability on the market in recent years, it's become a staple of my diet: I eat it almost every day.  (Sometimes plain, though admittedly, most often in some fancy flavour with the added sugar.)  I just made an interesting discovery, though: some of my Greek Yogurt is apparently not yogurt anymore.  Keep this in mind next time you are at the store.

A few weeks ago I stocked up on my weekly grocery run.  As I was grabbing a container out of the fridge to take to work and eat as part of my lunch, something caught my eye.   This container didn't actually have the word "yogurt" on it.  I found that I had purchased two containers- from the same stack at the store- of Oikos Greek Key Lime flavour.   Turns out one was labelled "Greek Yogurt" in all the usual places, as always, but the other  one was labelled "Greek Recipe," and in fine print on the side was named "Dairy Snack" instead of yogurt.  Dairy Snack?  What the sneck is that?  

I did a little poking around, and it appears (by my interpretation of the regulations) that if water is added (or added back) to a yogurt product, it can't legally be called "yogurt" anymore in the USA.  Aha!  Perhaps they are diluting and thinning the yogurt by adding extra water- and helping the profit margin.  

I then compared the ingredients and nutrition information carefully.  The nutrition info on the labels are exactly the same- no difference in calories, fat, protein, calcium, etc. In the ingredient list, voila!, there was slightly more water in the Dairy Snack (water comes right before cream on the ingredient list) than the Greek Yogurt (water comes right after cream on the ingredient list).   So the additional water may indeed be the explanation of why the in the Dairy Snack is not a lot.   

BUT! here's the big deal- there is no mention anywhere on the label or ingredient list of the Dairy Snack of specific bacterial cultures, no strains of bacteria are listed on the ingredients, and the phrase "contains live and active cultures" is not on the label of the Dairy Snack (while they're still on the Greek Yogurt container).  If one reason you eat yogurt is for the probiotic effects, you won't get it from a "Dairy Snack."   I will watch very carefully from now on. Buyer beware...