THINGS PATIENTS HAVE TOLD THEIR DOCTORS- part 2

(Original source unknown, compiled from messages forwarded to me by various people)

1.  The doctor had to explain to a patient that Band-Aids do not actually cure anything, they just cover up (and occasionally medicate) a wound.  The woman had practically covered herself in Band-Aids, hoping to treat her newly diagnosed diabetes.

2. A diabetic woman kept coming in for checkups with extremely high blood sugar levels. As she had been counselled to avoid consuming sugar, it was hard to determine why the levels were so high.  Finally, in the course of another conversation, she explained that she had been having several Slurpees every day.  "They're really not a drink, because they're kind of frozen, and they're not food, so they don't count," she exclaimed. 

3. A man came in for examination of a suspicious growth on his chest.  The physician had to tell him, "Sir, that's your nipple.  Everybody has them, even men."

4. The patient complained that her inhaler didn't seem to be working.  Eventually it turned out that she had been spraying it onto her chest.

5. A patient was prescribed a drug that was delivered in the form of patches.  Before his next appointment, he called in to say he was "running out of space."  His body was nearly covered in patches: he had not been advised to remove the old patches before sticking on the new ones.

6. Patient complained to doctor that everyone- including him- thought he was dirty.  Turned out that he was offended that nurses, attendants, etc. were observed washing their hands/applying sanitizer in his presence.

7. Patient was prescribed an inhaler because he had an allergy to cats.  Came back later with no relief.  Turns out he was spraying the inhaler on his cat.

THINGS PATIENTS HAVE TOLD THEIR DOCTORS

(Original source unknown, compiled from messages forwarded to me by various people)

1. Overheard in a waiting room:

Man 1: My daughter is allergic to wheat.

Man 2: So she can't eat bread or anything?
Man 1: We only give her white bread.
Man 2: Oh yeah, I guess bread only has wheat if it says it on there. Like whole wheat or whatever.
Man 1: Yeah, I guess.
Man 2: So can she eat pizza?
Man 1: Only cheese pizza.

2. Patient was a newly diagnosed diabetic who needed to be taught how to inject insulin. So the diabetes educator did the good old routine of taking an orange, drawing up insulin, then injecting it into the orange. He then made the patient repeat this practice routine a few times.

The patient comes back in a week and his blood sugar is out of control. They ask him if he's been taking his insulin and he goes "of course." So they decide to ask him to demonstrate how he injects insulin. The patient goes "sure, I just need an orange."

At this point I started face palming hard because I know where this one is heading. But of course they got him a orange and a vial of insulin with a syringe. So the guy draws up the insulin correctly, takes the syringe, injects it into the orange, and says "and then I eat the orange."

3. I’m not a medical doctor. I have a PhD in History, but apparently lots of people think that just because I have a DOCTORATE of Philosophy, it means they can ask me about their disgusting medical issues.  I can't prescribe you medication, and I won't look at your rash.

4. A woman had to have her foot amputated and was given waiver forms to sign before the surgery. The patient is asked if she needs time to think about her decision. She’s surprisingly calm and nonchalant, she doesn't seem to worry much that she is losing her limb.  The doctor gets suspicious and probes a bit further, asking why she’s not more concerned. The patient says she understands that they have to operate, but that “it’s okay, I know the foot grows back.”   At which point the surgeon explained to the woman that she is a human, not a lizard.

5. A couple came in, both upset and confused about the fact that the woman had become pregnant. They stressed the fact that they were on birth control, specifically they were on "the pill." However, before I could say anything, the boyfriend quietly took me aside and explained to me that his girlfriend “has a weak stomach and can’t take pills" so he was taking them instead.

6.  A woman came in for an infant health check with her six-month old and she had what looked like chocolate milk in the baby's bottle. The doctor started explaining to her as kindly as he could that she shouldn't be giving her baby chocolate milk, at which point she interrupts him and says "Oh, no, that isn't chocolate milk, I'd never give that to him, chocolate milk is full of sugar.  No, it's coffee! He just loves it!"