CHURCH BULLETINS

Thank Goodness for the church ladies  with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were  announced at church services:


 The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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 Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to
 cripple children.
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 The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water’. The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus'.
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 Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping 
 around the house. Bring your husbands.
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 Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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 Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the 
 congregation.
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 For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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 Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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 Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a
 friendship that began in their school days.
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 A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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 At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and
 listen to our choir practice.
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 Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and
 to the deterioration of some older ones.
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 Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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 The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

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 Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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 The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the
 basement on Friday afternoon.
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 This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket
 and come prepared to sin.
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 The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their
 electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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 Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

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 The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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 Weight Watchers will meet at 7PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

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 The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

Six Management Lessons Everybody Should Know: #6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and killed him.

Moral of the story:
1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

SIX MANAGEMENT LESSONS EVERYBODY SHOULD KNOW: #5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: 
#1: B.S. might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
#2: The higher you rise up, the easier you're seen to anyone who wants to take a potshot at you.

Six Management Lessons Everybody Should Know: #4

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" 

The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

The moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.