How To Improve Your Language At The Workplace

Original author unknown...

HOW TO SPOT SOMEONE RAISED BY A GEOLOGIST

How to Spot Someone RAISED by a Geologist

*Wears socks with sandals despite knowing that it is highly un-cool (and still feels cool doing it).

*Could spot a sinkhole at age 5 and explain what it was to all her friends.

*Writes down "spelunking" as possible romantic getaway.

*Helped gather fossils in roadside highway cuts as a fun family outing.

*Someone who went ballistic when father burnt "Chunk of Coal Present" in the fireplace.

*Someone who, despite not being a geologist, has core samples lurking around the house.

*A person who stares at road cuts and wonders why the rocks look all ribbon-y...remembers to ask parent for answer.

*Wrecks trying to look at ribbon-y rocks despite the fact that a closer look wouldn't shed light on the answer.

*Most of childhood artwork is done on the backs of discarded seismic data print-offs.

*Despite not being able to spell most words..can remember how to spell "seismic".

*Edited shot gathers as a form of entertainment...before entering middle-school.

*Understood more scientific nerd humor than "Knock Knock Jokes", growing up.  "A group of Hydrogen are floating around when one says, "I just lost my electron."  Another hydrogen asks, "Are you sure?"      The Hydrogen replies, "I'm positive."  Har Har Har

*Can look at all the "How to Spot a Geologist" lines and picture a person or event that it pertains to.

*Is named after geological rock formation...

A NURSE'S TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

A Nurse's Twelve Days of Christmas 
(This has been going around the Internet: original source unknown.)

Twelve Doctors Screaming
Eleven IVs Running
Ten Pan Meds Given
Nine Call Lights Blinking
Eight Phones are Ringing
Seven Psychs a-Leaping
Six Dressing Changes 
Five Nurses Stressing
Four Foleys Draining
Three B.P.s Dropping
Two Traumas Coming
And An Hour Left On My Shift!

Top 10 Things Native Americans Should Say To White People

Seen floating around the Internet last month:

TOP TEN THINGS NATIVE AMERICANS SHOULD SAY TO WHITE PEOPLE

10. How much white are you?
9. I'm part white myself, you know.
8. I learned all about your people's ways in the Boy Scouts!
7. My great-great grandmother was a full-blooded White American princess!
6. Funny, you don't look white!
5. I'm not racist, my best friend is white!
4. Do you live in a log cabin?
3. What's the meaning behind the "square dance" ?
2. Can I touch your facial hair?
1. Can I take your picture?

YOU KNOW YOU USE THE INTERNET TOO MUCH WHEN...

This week we revisit a TGP from over thirteen years ago.  Seems like back then, we were still addicted to the 'Net, but read this and think about how some things have changed.



TOM GILL PREDICTS-  Volume Fifteen, Number Ninety
March 18, 2002
Now bringing you the best Internet humor almost every week!
A presentation of TGP INTERNATIONAL
Editor: Tom Gill
**************************************************************************
"Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."

YOU KNOW YOU USE THE INTERNET TOO MUCH WHEN:

>       >> 1. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check
>       >> your e-mail on the way back to bed.
>       >>
>       >> 2. You name your children eudora, aol and dotcom.
>       >>
>       >> 3. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as
>       >> if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
>       >>
>       >> 4. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your
>       >> lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
>       >>
>       >> 5. You laugh at people with modems.
>       >>
>       >> 6. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
>       >>
>       >> 7. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using
>       >> a word processor.com
>       >>
>       >> 8. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
>       >>
>       >> 9. You can't call your mother...she doesn't even have a modem.
>       >>
>       >> 10. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check
>       >> it again.
>       >>
>       >> 11. You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are
>       >> because they have neutral screen names and you never bothered to
>       >> ask.
>       >>
>       >> 12. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you
>       >> landscape.
>       >>
>       >> 13. You tell the cab driver you live at
>       >> http://1000.edison.st/house/brick.html
>       >>
>       >> 14. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

Prepare Three Envelopes...

The CEO had resigned in disgrace, and was leaving his office holding a box of this things when the new CEO arrived to take over.

The outgoing executive told his replacement that it was a tough job, and if she needed help, there were three envelopes in the top drawer of the desk that would help her -- "but only open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," the beaten man said.

The new CEO calmed things down and everything went fine, until the company hit a snag -- just before the Board of Directors' Annual Meeting. She heard rumors that the Board was unhappy with her performance and, not sure what to do, she opened her desk drawer and pulled out the first envelope. The message inside read, "Blame your predecessor."

The new CEO went to the Board meeting and tactfully laid the blame on the previous CEO. Sure enough, within weeks, sales picked up and the problems were soon behind her.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a dip in sales and a product recall. Sure enough, it was right before the annual meeting, so she opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." The company's troubles were forgotten at the Board meeting as the CEO laid out her plan to streamline operations.

Sure enough, the next year the company again was starting to falter just before the annual Board meeting, so the CEO went to her office, closed the door, and opened the third envelope.

The message said, "Prepare three envelopes...."

GUIDE TO UNDERSTANDING THE BRITISH

This has been going around the Internet this week...

GANDHI AND THE LAW PROFESSOR

(Origin unknown: thanks to Rudy Sookbirsingh for passing it on)

_____________________________________________________

When Mohandas Gandhi was studying law at the University College London, a white professor, whose last name was Peters, disliked him intensely and always displayed prejudice and animosity towards him. Also, because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him, as he expected…. there were always “arguments” and confrontations.

One day, Mr Peters was having lunch at the dining room of the University, and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to the professor. The professor said, “Mr Gandhi, you do not understand. A pig and a bird do not sit together to eat.”

Gandhi looked at him as a parent would a rude child and calmly replied, “You do not worry professor. I’ll fly away,” and he went and sat at another table.

Mr Peters, reddened with rage, decided to take revenge on the next test paper, but Gandhi responded brilliantly to all questions. Mr Peters, unhappy and frustrated, asked him the following question. “Mr Gandhi, if you were walking down the street and found a package, and within was a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money, which one would you take?”

Without hesitating, Gandhi responded, “The one with the money, of course.”

Mr Peters, smiling sarcastically said, “I, in your place, would have taken the wisdom, don’t you think?”

Gandhi shrugged indifferently and responded, “Each one takes what he doesn’t have.”

Mr Peters, by this time, was fit to be tied. So great was his anger that he wrote on Gandhi’s exam sheet the word “idiot” and gave it to Gandhi. Gandhi took the exam sheet and sat down at his desk trying very hard to remain calm while he contemplated his next move.

A few minutes later, Gandhi got up, went to the professor and said to him in a dignified but sarcastically polite tone, “Mr. Peters, you signed the sheet, but you did not give me the grade.”

BLA BLA BLA

I never encountered the frequent use of the phrase "blah blah blah," or "bla bla bla" until a dozen years ago when I moved to El Paso, Texas.  I'd certainly heard or seen the phrase from time to time, but it was not a common expression: and when I did see it written, it was usually "blah blah blah." 

I was struck at how frequently I heard people use this phrase in El Paso upon my arrival in 2004- much more often than when I lived in California or elsewhere in Texas.  I thought perhaps this was a local Borderland colloquialism.  But with the rise of social media in the current decade, it quickly became clear that "bla(h) bla(h) bla(h)" was not a modismo chuco: people all over were using it, and often dropping the silent "h" at the end of "blah," making it "bla bla bla."  Was this a sign of the ever-changing English language?

I now know the answer: apparently not, because I stumbled upon this*: it's a close-up of part of a cartoon postcard from ~1944,  when World War II was raging and Americans experienced rationing of meat, sugar, coffee, and other goods.  Look at the name of the newspaper in the cartoon!  I guess "BLA BLA BLA" goes way way back.

*Image extracted from Figure 20 in Lehmann, D.K., 2015, "World War II Ration Stamps," American Philatelist 129: 950-956.

Advice From 60-Year-Olds To Persons Half Their Age

Recently, a question was posed to those over the age of 60. The question was this: “What advice would you give to those who are half your age?” While the question seems simple, the answers may surprise you.

1. People always say, “Make sure you get a job doing what you love!” But that isn’t the best advice. Almost nobody has a job they love every day. The right job is the job you love some days, can tolerate most days, and still pays the bills. 

2. Years go by in the blink of an eye. Don't marry young. Live your life. Go places. Do things. If you have the means or not. Pack a bag and go wherever you can afford to go. While you have no dependents, don't buy stuff. Any stuff. See the world. Look through travel magazines and pick a spot. GO!

3. Don’t take life so seriously. Even if things seem dark and hopeless, try to laugh at how ridiculous life is.

4. A true friend will come running if you call them at 2am; everyone else is just an acquaintance.

5. The most important person in your life is the person who agreed to share their life with you. Treat them as such.

6. Children grow up way too fast. Make the most of the time you have with them.

7. Nobody ever dies wishing they had worked more… Work hard, but don’t prioritize work over family, friends, or even yourself.

8. You might live a long life, or you might live a short one - who knows. But either way, trust me when I say that you’re going to wish you took better care of yourself in your youth.

9. If you're getting overwhelmed by life, just return to the immediate present moment and savor all that is beautiful and comforting.Take a deep breath, relax.

10. Eat and exercise like you're a diabetic heart patient with a stroke - so you never actually become one.

11. We have one time on this earth. Don't wake up and realize that you are 60 years old and haven't done the things you dreamed about.

12. Maybe this one isn’t as profound as the others, but I think it’s important… Floss regularly, dental problems are awful.

13. Don't take anyone else's advice as gospel. You can ask for advice from someone you respect, then take your situation into consideration and make your own decision. Essentially, take your own advice is my advice…

14. Stuff is just stuff. Don’t hold onto material objects, hold onto time and experiences instead.

15. The joints you damage today will get their revenge later. Even if you think they've recovered completely. TRUST ME!

16. I would say to appreciate the small things and to be present in the moment. What do I mean? Well, it seems today like younger people are all about immediate gratification. Instead, why not appreciate every small moment? We don't get to stay on this crazy/wonderful planet forever and the greatest pleasure can be found in the most mundane of activities. Instead of sending a text, pick up the phone and call someone. Call your mother, have a conversation about nothing in particular. Those are the moments to hold onto.

17. Pay your bills and stay the hell out of debt. If I could have paid myself all the money I've paid out in interest over the years, I'd be retired already.

18. Jealousy destroys relationships. Trust your significant other, because who else are you supposed to trust?

19. If you have a dream of being or doing something that seems impossible, try for it anyway. It will only become more impossible as you age and become responsible for other people.

20. When you meet someone for the first time, stop and realize that you really know nothing about them. You see race, gender, age, clothes. Forget it all. You know nothing. Those biased assumptions that pop into your head because of the way your brain likes categories, are limiting your life, and other people's lives.

THINGs PEOPLE HAVE ACTUALLY TOLD THEIR DOCTORS...

1. A young couple came in, both upset and confused about the fact that the woman had become pregnant. They stressed the fact that they were on birth control, specifically they were on the pill. However, before I could say anything, the boyfriend quietly took me aside and explained to me that he had been taking the pill instead of his girlfriend because “she had a weak stomach and couldn’t take pills…”

2. These weren’t patients of mine, but I once overheard the following conversation in the waiting room:

Man 1: My daughter is allergic to wheat.

Man 2: So she can't eat bread or anything?

Man 1: We only give her white bread.

Man 2: Oh yeah, I guess bread only has wheat if it says it on there. Like whole wheat or whatever.

Man 1: Yeah, I guess.

Man 2: So can she eat pizza?

Man 1: Only cheese pizza.

3. A lady had to have her foot amputated and was given waiver forms to sign pre-op. The patient is asked if she needs time to think about her decision. She’s surprisingly calm and nonchalant, she doesn’t seem to care much about what they do to her limb. The doctor gets suspicious and probes a bit further, asking why she’s not more concerned. The patient says she understands that they have to operate, but that “it’s okay because the foot will grow back.” The doctor had to explain to the woman that she is not, in fact, a salamander and entire feet are not toenails, and that limbs do not grow back in humans.

4. I’m not actually a MEDICAL doctor. I have a PhD in Fine Arts, but apparently lots of people think that just because I have a DOCTORATE of Philosophy, it means they can ask me about their disgusting medical issues. I can NOT prescribe you medication, and I will NOT look at your rash.

5. I once had a meeting with a patient about their diet and nutritional intake. I ended up having to explain to this person that, no, Coca-cola is NOT in fact a vegetable. Just because it says "contains vegetable extracts" on the side of a can of Coke does not mean it can count as one of your “five veggies a day…”

6.  Paramedic here, I have had to inform numerous people that pouring Gatorade into the mouth of unresponsive diabetics is not a good idea…

7.  I’m a registered nurse, not a doctor, but here’s the story: Patient was a newly diagnosed diabetic who needed to be taught how to inject insulin. So the diabetes educator did the good old routine of taking an orange, drawing up insulin, then injecting it into the orange. He then made the patient repeat this practice routine a few times. The patient goes home, etc. He comes back in a week and his blood sugar is out of control. They ask him if he's been taking his insulin and he goes "of course." So they decide to ask him to demonstrate how he injects insulin. The patient goes "sure, I just need an orange." At this point I started face palming hard because I know where this one is heading. But of course they got him a orange and a vial of insulin with a syringe. So the guy draws up the insulin correctly, takes the syringe, injects it into the orange, and then says "and then I eat the orange." At this point I had to walk out because I nearly lost it right there…

8. Not a doctor, but a good friend of mine is. He once told that he had to explain to one of his patients that regular bandaids do not cure anything at all, but just cover up a wound. The patient in question had tried to cure her recently diagnosed Type-II diabetes by sticking bandaids all over herself...

9.  Another lady I was seeing for clinicals was diabetic, and she would come in every week with stupid high blood sugar levels (250-560ish), not knowing why they were so high. She kept a record of everything she ate, and all her food intake seemed fine. One day, her husband came with her, which was weird, and he ninja slipped me a note while shaking my hand. It read, "Ask her about the Quiktrip slushies. She doesn't believe me that they have sugar in them." So I asked her if she was having any soda, lemonade, tea, ice cream, shakes or slushies, and she told me, like a light bulb had gone off in her head, "Well, I have been drinking about 3 of the 48oz Quiktrip slushies every day for awhile now. They're just so good! And they arn't food or drink, they're slushies! So they don't have any sugar in them, and I don't need to record them!" It was so hard to convince her that those are so full of sugar it isn't even funny.

10. I'm not an M.D. but I am an optometrist. Recently, I had to tell a patient that no, you should not attempt to continue wearing a contact lens that was dropped in the toilet! Maybe that’s where your eye infection came from?

11.  A woman came in for a well baby check with her 6 month old and she had what looked like chocolate milk in the baby's bottle. The doctor started explaining to her as kindly as he could that she shouldn't be giving her baby chocolate milk, at which point she interrupts him and says "oh that isn't chocolate milk. Its coffee! He just loves it!"

CHURCH BULLETINS

Thank Goodness for the church ladies  with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were  announced at church services:


 The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
 --------------------------

 Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to
 cripple children.
 --------------------------

 The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water’. The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus'.
 --------------------------

 Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping 
 around the house. Bring your husbands.
 --------------------------

 Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
 --------------------------

 Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the 
 congregation.
 --------------------------

 For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
 --------------------------

 Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
 --------------------------

 Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a
 friendship that began in their school days.
 --------------------------

 A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
 --------------------------

 At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and
 listen to our choir practice.
 --------------------------

 Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and
 to the deterioration of some older ones.
 --------------------------

 Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
 --------------------------

 The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

 --------------------------

 Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
 --------------------------

 The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the
 basement on Friday afternoon.
 --------------------------

 This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket
 and come prepared to sin.
 --------------------------

 The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their
 electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
 --------------------------

 Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

 --------------------------

 The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
 --------------------------

 Weight Watchers will meet at 7PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

 --------------------------

 The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

Six Management Lessons Everybody Should Know: #6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and killed him.

Moral of the story:
1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

SIX MANAGEMENT LESSONS EVERYBODY SHOULD KNOW: #5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: 
#1: B.S. might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
#2: The higher you rise up, the easier you're seen to anyone who wants to take a potshot at you.

Six Management Lessons Everybody Should Know: #4

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" 

The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

The moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

SIX MANAGEMENT LESSONS EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW: #3

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’

'Me first! Me first!’ says the clerk. ‘I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’

and Poof! She’s gone.

‘I'm next! I'm next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of rum and the love of my life.’

Poof! He’s gone.

‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office in an hour.’

THE LESSON: Always let the boss have the first say.

SIX MANAGEMENT LESSONS EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW: #2

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.

It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’

MORAL OF THE STORY: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

SIX MANAGEMENT LESSONS EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW: #1

This has been going around the Internet for a while...
________________________________________________________________________________

1. A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Mark, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Mark says, ‘I’ll give you 200 dollars to drop that towel.’

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Mark, after a few seconds, Mark hands her $200 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’

‘It was Mark the next door neighbor,’ she replies.

‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the 200 bucks he owes me?’

MORAL OF THE STORY:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

MURPHY'S OTHER 15 LAWS (Author Unknown)

MURPHY'S OTHER 15 LAWS 

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

  

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

 

 3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

 

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.   

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.  

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. 

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. 

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. 

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from Saskatchewan would be stupid enough to try to pass them. 

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. 

11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first. 

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer. 

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries. 

14. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark. 

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

 

THE TWO DOZEN BEST TWO-LINE JOKES EVER

This has been going around the Internet today... and probably for a long time before that.
_________________________________________________________________________________
1. Parallel lines have so much in common. 
It's a shame they'll never meet.

2. My wife accused me of being immature. 
I told her to get out of my fort.

3. Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.

4. How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb? 
One, they're efficient and not very funny.

5. What do you call a dog with no legs. 
It doesn't matter; it's not going to come.

6. Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they're gonna pay.  You have my Word.

7. What's green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you? 
A pool table.

8. Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
Poor bastard.

9. How do you find Will Smith in the snow? 
You look for the fresh prints.

10. I went to a really emotional wedding the other day.
Even the cake was in tiers.

11. We have a genetic predisposition for diarrhea. 
Runs in our jeans.

12. A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building.
He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

13. A hot blonde orders a double entendre at the bar.
The bartender gave it to her.

14. Want to hear a word I just made up? 
Plagiarism.

15. Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.

16. What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
Aye Matey.

17. To the handicapped guy who stole my bag -
You can hide but you can't run.

18. I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster.
If anything, it made him more sluggish.

19. And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life" 
But John came fifth, and won a toaster.

20. Q: How do you think the unthinkable? 
A: With an itheberg.

21. Someone stole my mood ring,
I don't know how I feel about that.

22. I tried to catch fog yesterday,
Mist.

23. Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

24. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. 
She looked surprised.

Travel Agent Stories

A  'travel agent' offers some examples of how low we can go...

1.I had a woman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.    (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a man who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts ..''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Cape Town is in South Africa ..'' His response -- click..

3. A senior citizen called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

 He replied, 'Don't lie to me!, I looked on the map, and Florida is a very THIN state!!'' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a customer's wife who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?'' 

I said, ''No.''

She said, ''But they look so close on the map'' (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for an executive once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas .. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas ... When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6. A woman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went really, really fast, and she bought that.

7. A New Yorker called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'

He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage..

8. A man called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, he asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

9. I just got off the phone with a young man from Alabama who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

10.  A woman called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola and fly on a commuter plane.

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11 A woman called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12 A New Jersey man called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .'' 

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''

 'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.

 After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."

 'The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?''

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

Military Officer Evaluation One-Liners

What follows are extracts allegedly taken from British Military Officers' Annual Confidential Reports across the decades.  Thanks to Isabelle Barraja for passing this on!

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1. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of idle curiosity.

2. I would not breed from this Officer.

3. This man is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot.

4. This officer can be likened to a small puppy - he runs around excitedly, leaving little messes for other people to clean up.

5. This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, more of a definitely won't-be.

6. When she opens her mouth, it seems only to switch feet.

7. Couldn't organise 50% leave in a 2 man submarine.

8. He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

9. He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

10. Technically sound, but socially impossible.

11. The occasional flashes of adequacy are marred by an attitude of apathy and indifference.

12. When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.

13. This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

14. This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope, always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

15. Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

16. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

17. He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

18. This Officer should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.

19. In my opinion this pilot should not be authorised to fly below 250 feet.

20. The only ship I would recommend for this man is citizenship.

21. Couldn't organise a woodpecker's picnic in Sherwood Forest.

22. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

23. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

24. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

25. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

26. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

27. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

28. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

29. It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm.

30. A room temperature IQ.

31. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

32. A gross ignoramus, 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

33. He has a photographic memory but has the lens cover glued on.

34. He has been working with glue too long.

35. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.

36. This man hasn't got enough grey matter to sole the flip-flop of a one legged budgie.

37. If two people are talking, and one looks bored, he's the other one.

38. One-celled organisms would outscore him in IQ tests.

39. He donated his body to science before he was done using it.

40. Fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

41. He's so dense, light bends around him.

42. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

43. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

44. Takes him 1.1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

45. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is long dead.

BUBBA AT THE REVIVAL

Bubba goes to the revival and listens to the
preacher. After a while, the preacher asks anyone 
with needs to come forward and be prayed over.

Bubba gets in line and when it's his turn the
preacher says, "Bubba, what you want me to pray 
about?" Bubba says, "Preacher, I need you to pray
for my hearing."

So the preacher puts one finger in Bubba's ear and
the other hand on top of his head and prays a while. 
After a few minutes, he removes his hands and
says, "Bubba, how's your hearing now?"

Bubba says, "I don't know preacher, it's not until
next Wednesday."

Once Upon A Time On The High Seas...

Once upon a time on the ocean...
Two tankers were trapped in heavy seas. One carried a load of red paint; the other carried purple.

Despite the heroic efforts of their captains, the ships drifted closer and closer together, until finally, they crashed together.

The sailors were marooned.

HOSPITAL CHART BLOOPERS

Hospital Chart Bloopers (a tip of the hat to Jeff Lee for  passing these along)

 

1. The patient refused autopsy.

 

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

 

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

 

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

 

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

 

6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

 

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

 

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

 

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

 

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

 

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

 

12. She is numb from her toes down.

 

13. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

 

14. The skin was moist and dry.

 

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

 

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

 

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

 

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

 

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

 

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

 

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

 

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

 

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

 

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

 

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.