TEXAS STORY #1

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to the ranch owner. He told the old rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look, mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand, old man?!"

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. A few minutes later the rancher heard loud screams. He looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by a big Santa Gertrudis bull! With every step, the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......

"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"

SAYINGS OF THE OLD PHILOSOPHER

♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year.  I don't want to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

 

♦ Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

 

♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

 

♦ A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.

 

♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

 

♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

 

♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

 

♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

 

♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

 

♦ Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

 

♦ You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

 

♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

 

♦ My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

 

♦ My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.

 

♦The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

 

♦ Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

 

♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T. Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

 

CHILDREN'S LOGIC- PART II

TEACHER: Why are you doing your multiplication practice on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!

TEACHER: Glenn, why do you always get so dirty?
GLENN: I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, please say a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: "I is..."
TEACHER: Millie, that's not correct.  Always say "I am."
MILLIE: I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

TEACHER: George Washington chopped down his father's tree, but his father did not punish him.  Zack, can you tell us why?
ZACK: Because he still had an axe in his hand.

TEACHER: Maria, do you say prayers before eating?
MARIA: No, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.