LEXOPHILIA

This collection of puns has been floating around the Internet for at least twenty years: the first reference to most of these on the Web goes back to 1997.

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

 

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

 

The batteries were given out free of charge.

 

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

 

A will is a dead giveaway.

 

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

 

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

 

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

 

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

 

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

 

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

 

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

 

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

 

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

 

When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

 

Acupuncture is a jab well done (that's the point of it).

 

Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

 

 

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

 A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.

IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKYs - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN THEY MOVE AWAY FROM YOU.

THE GOGH FAMILY TREE

The often-dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh
The uncle who had a digestive problem------------------------------- Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh
The cousin from Yugoslavia-------------------------------U Gogh
A magician/rapper uncle----------------------------- Where-Diddy Gogh
The cousin from Latin America---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh
That cousin's half-brother from the USA ------------ Gring Gogh
The ancestor who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh
The uncle with a different digestive problem------------------------------------- Can't Gogh
The aunt from Argentina who loved to dance -------------------------------- Tang Gogh
The uncle who loved to stand on one foot------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh
The tropical-fruit loving cousin -------------------------------------- Man Gogh
A cousin who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ----------------------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh
And the niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh

I saw you smiling ---- there ya Gogh!