ACTUAL QUESTIONS ABOUT CANADA

Real Questions Submitted to the Canadian Tourist Board (and how they SHOULD have answered)

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them
die. Except for the totem poles, which grow twenty centimetres per year.
 
Q: Will I be able to see polar bears in the street? (USA) 
A: This will depend upon how much you've been drinking. 
 
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto-can I follow the railroad
tracks? (Sweden) 
A: Yes. It's only four thousand miles, so take lots of water. 
 
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name.
It is kind of big horse with horns. (France) 
A: It's called a moose. They are tall and very violent and eat the brains of
anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself
with goose urine before you go out walking. 

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of
them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton & Halifax? (UK) 
A: There is one in each city. The queues form to the left, and bring a
lunch, since they are quite busy dispensing two American dollars for every
Canadian dollar.
 
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (Denmark) 
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da
is that big country north of-oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every
Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked. 
 
Q: Which direction is north in Canada? (Mexico)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and
we'll send the rest of the directions. 
 
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK) 
A: Why? Just use toboggan spikes like we do. 
 
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (Portugal) 
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is-oh
forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir performs every Tuesday night in
Vancouver and in Calgary, immediately after the hippo races. But remember,
you must come naked. 
 
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany) 
A: What for? It is like catnip to a moose. 
 
Q: I have developed a new product that is fountain of youth. Can you tell me
where I can sell it in Canada? (Japan) 
A: Anywhere a significant number of Americans gather. Try any Starbucks or
McDonalds.
 
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female
population is smaller than the male population? (Italy) 
A: Yes. Gay nightclubs. 
 
Q: Is Thanksgiving celebrated in Canada? (USA) 
A: Yes, every second Monday in October since 1729, but only if all the
igloos have been re-iced. 
 
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round?
(Germany)
 A: No. We are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is
illegal, except for babies. Was ist ein Supermarkt?
  
Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R&R, and I want to contact the girl I dated
while I was staying in Surrey, B.C. Can you help? (UK) 
A: Yes, but you will still have to pay her by the hour. 
 
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA) 
A: In most places, yes, but in some places proper English is greeted with
gunfire, so you should be safe.

 Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So it 'is' true what they say about Swedes.the answer is yes, but don't
forget the goose urine. And lots of water if you're walking from Vancouver
to Toronto.

WISDOM OF THE ELDER

Diane was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.  With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. 

Resuming the journey, Diane tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Diane. 

"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman. 

Diane looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband." 

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade." 

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(Note: I have also seen a version of this joke set in Hawaii, with an elderly Hawaiian.)

YOU MIGHT LIVE IN THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST IF...

Author unknown, but attributed to Jeff Foxworthy.

You Might Live in the Pacific Northwest if... 1. You feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash. 2. You use the statement "sun break" and know what it means. 3. You know more than 10 ways to order coffee. 4. You know more people who own boats than air conditioners. 5. You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a four-star restaurant. 6. You stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the "Walk" Signal. 7. You consider that if it has no snow on top of it or has not recently erupted,  it is not a real mountain. 8. You can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle's Best,and Peet's. 9. You know the difference between Chinook, Coho and Sockeye salmon. 10. You know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah, Oregon, Yakima and Willamette. 11. You consider swimming strictly an indoor sport. 12. In winter, you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark-while only working eight-hour days. 13. You never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho. 14. You are not fazed by "Today's forecast: showers followed by rain," and "Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers." 15. You have no concept of humidity without precipitation. 16. You know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of mind. 17. You can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you cannot see through  the cloud cover. 18. You say, "The mountain is out" when it is a pretty day and you can  actually see it. 19. You put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but still  wear your hiking boots and parka. 20. &ou switch to your sandals when it gets about 60, but keep the socks on. 21. You have used your mountain bike on an actual mountain. 22. You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists. 23. You buy new sunglasses every year, because you cannot find the old ones  after such a long time. 24. You often switch from "heat" to "a/c" in the same day. 25. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat. 26. You know all the important seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Raining  (Spring), Road Construction (Summer), Deer & Elk season Fall). 27. You actually understood these jokes and will probably forward them!

NARROW MISS IN FLORIDA

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Corvette convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75. 
He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. 
The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes, and I have the day off tomorrow. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." 
The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I was afraid you might be bringing her back." 
"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper.