How To Wash A Cat In Nine Easy Steps

(Editor's note: This procedure works best on a dry, sunny day.)

1. Put all of the lids of the toilet up, and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the toilet bowl.
 
2. Pick up the cat and pet him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
 
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid.  You will probably need to stand on the lid.
 
4. At this point, the cat will self-agitate and produce ample suds.  Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, rest assured that the cat is actually enjoying this.
 
5. Flush the toilet three or four times.   This provides a "Power Wash" followed by a "Rinse" cycle.
 
6. Have someone open the front door of your home.  Please be sure that there are no persons between the bathroom door and the front door.
 
7. Jump off the toilet, and quickly lift the lid, whilst standing back as far as you can.
 
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will proceed to dry himself off.
 
9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.

FIFTY FUN THINGS TO DO ON A FINAL EXAM THAT DOES NOT MATTER

From deep in the archives of TOM GILL PREDICTS from about thirty years ago (updated 

a bit to reflect modern times), here are 50 FUN THINGS TO DO IN A FINAL THAT DOES 

NOT MATTER (I.E. YOU ARE GOING TO FAIL THE CLASS COMPLETELY NO MATTER WHAT YOU GET 

ON THE FINAL EXAM)

   1.  Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15
   minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some
   gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

   2.  Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the
   secret documents!!"

   3.  If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long
   answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the
   integral symbol.

   4.  Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the teacher's
   left nostril.

   5.  Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate
   your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm
   SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk
   the teacher is.

   6.  Bring cheerleaders.

   7.  Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly
   say to the teacher, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to
   every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are
   you? Where's the regular guy?"

   8.  Bring an Xbox (or Wii, etc...). Play with the volume at max
   level.

   9.  On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to
   refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this
   question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be
   creative.

   10.  Bring pets.

   11.  Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of
   relief. Go to the teacher, say "They've found me, I have to leave the
   country" and run off.

   12.  Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into
   very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry
   Christmas."  If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam.
   Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

   13.  Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

   14.  Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your
   head, and nothing else.

   15.  Come down with a BAD case of Tourette's Syndrome during the exam. Be as
   crude as possible.

   16.  Do the entire exam in another language. Preferably Klingon. 

If you don't know another language, make one up!  For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

   17.  Bring things to throw at the teacher when s/he's not looking.
   Blame it on the person nearest to you.

   18.  As soon as the teacher hands you the exam, eat it.

   19.  Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be
   taping for your relity show during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let
   them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of
   the profits if they are allowed to stay.

   20.  Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to
   another seat, continue with the exam.

   21.  Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out,
   start commenting on how easy it was.

   22.  Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If
   it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE.
   etc..).

   23.  Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers
   completely blacked out.

   24.  Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down
   violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.

   25.  Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the
   teacher that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving
   after one hour to go drink)

   26.  Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point
   during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

   27.  Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the teacher asks why,
   tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on
   above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a Clapper. DUH!"

   28.  Comment on how sexy the teacher is looking that day.

   29.  Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put
   on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera"
   until they drag you away.

   30.  Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the
   class is very small, and the teacher would recognize you if you
   belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to
   take the exam.

   31.  Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say
   "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Duck Dynasty is on!!!"

   32.  Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.

   33.  From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore
   the teacher's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to
   leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the
   River Kwai.

   34.  Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

   35.  If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you
   could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most
   equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life
   story.

   36.  Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and
   shield.

   37.  Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the
   exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

   38.  Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious...
   like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just
   failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with
   the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."

   39.  When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

   40.  After you get the exam, call the teacher over, point to any
   question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

   41.  One word: Wrestlemania.

   42.  Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they
   do before concerts start.

   43.  Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

   44.  Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

   45.  Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you.
   Pray to it often, out loud. Consider a small sacrifice.

   46.  Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent
   to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

   47.  During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs,
   anything you can reach.

   48.  Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90
   degree angle.

   49.  Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are
   asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student
   Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on
   musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase
   "Told you so".

   50.  Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks"

A Jack Daniels Fishing Story

A Jack Daniels Fishing Story

I went fishing this morning, but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a cottonmouth snake with a frog in his mouth. "Frogs are good bass bait" I thought to myself.

 Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Just then, I realized I had a problem, how was I going to release the snake without getting bit? So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. The snake's eyes rolled back and he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge at my foot. There was that same snake with two more frogs in his mouth.

Life is good in the South.

CAR CRASH EXCUSES

 These were allegedly taken from auto insurance forms and statements to police. 

They've been around since at least the 1980s.:

 "Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions."

 "I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my hand through it."

 "I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."

 "A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face."

 "A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."

 "The guy was all over the road; I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

 "I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed 

over the embankment."

 "In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

 "I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home.  As I reached an 

intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision.  I did not see the other guy."

 "I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had the accident."

 "I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way 

causing me to have an accident."

 "As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no 

stop sign had ever appeared before.  I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident."

 "To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front of me, I struck the pedestrian."

 "My car was legally parked as I backed into the other vehicle."

 "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished."

 "I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I 

had a fractured skull."

 "I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road 

when I struck him."

 "The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran him over."

 "I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old man as he bounced off the hood of my car."

 "The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

 "I was thrown from my car as it left the road.  I was later found in a ditch by 

some stray cows."

 "The telephone pole was approaching.  I was attempting to swerve out of the way, 

when it struck my front end."