DEEP THOUGHTS FROM KIDS

Adapted from TOM GILL PREDICTS Vol. 15 no. 5- September 2000, from material contributed by Jeanette Martin that had been circulating around the Internet back then.

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From an actual newspaper contest where entrants ages 4 to 15 were asked to provide Deep Thoughts.
       
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? --Age 15
  
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. --Age 13
  
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for
the long weekends. --Age 8
  
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any ol' person vote. --Age 10
  
Home is where the house is. --Age 6
  
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. --Age 6
  
My younger brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to hell and burn
eternally-- but I didn't want to upset him. --Age 10
  
I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of  the Constitution. I tell   Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table.  I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder.  We spend the rest of the night burping.
  --Age 15
  
When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again.  But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. --Age 5
  
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower. --Age 11
  
I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big fresh water lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. --Age 13
  
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day.  At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. --Age 7
  
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. --Age 15
  
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident.  No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood  would be right there. --Age 5
  
Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then,imagine if you had that many Twinkies.  Wow, that's five more than the biggest number could come up with! --Age 6
  
The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" --Age 15
  
Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right? --Age 15
  
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. --Age 15

'Twas Two Nights Before Christmas (A Visit from St. Kaeper-Nick)

In honour of tonight's last regular-season San Francisco 49ers home football game at Candlestick Park.

'Twas two nights before Christmas, out at Candlestick Park,
And the football game started as day became dark.
The Faithful were hungry, their cheeks were all pinched,
In hopes that a playoff berth soon would be clinched;
The fans they were nestled all snug in their seats,                               
While the owners saw titles from up in their suites.
And Mom in her jersey, and I in my best,
Had just settled in for the last home contest,
When out on the field there arose such a clatter,
I sprang to my feet to see what was the matter.
Down to the railing I flew with my beer,
Wide opened my eyes, and let out a cheer.
The lights shining down like a brilliant white flame,
Gave the luster of mid-day to the start of the game;
And off from the sidelines running out did arise,
My starting offense, they were massive big guys,
With a confident driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it was St. Kaeper Nick.
More rapid than Falcons his coursers arrayed,
And he whistled, and shouted, and call'd out the plays:
"Now! Davis, now! Gore now!  Iupati and Goodwin!
"On!  Staley and Crabtree!  on!  Boldin and Dixon!;
"To the shifting formation! To the snap of the ball!
"Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky;
So down to the red-zone the coursers they flew,
With the squad in perfection and St. Kaepernick too:
And then in a twinkling, I heard the crowd roar
As they crossed past the goal-line and a touchdown was scored.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
the Gold Rush girls cheered and the foghorn did sound:
The din just got louder and bounced off of each rafter,
As Dawson’s sure foot put up through the point after;
The defence it smothered the Falcons attack,
And they look'd more ferocious with each tackle and sack:
Their eyes — how they focused! Their blocks- how they stung!
Their hits on Atlanta chimed like bells that were rung!
And the offense was run like a well-tuned machine,
Each sweep and off-tackle, every post route and screen;
Our special teams shone as we knew that they would,
As we stuffed their return-men and our field goals were good!
With their confident faces, and their gaits all a swagger,
They ran up the score as if twisting a dagger.
Harbaugh focused and manic, a right confident elf,
And I laugh'd when I saw him in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He led them to win it, focused straight on his work,
When the game clock ran out he then turn'd with a jerk,
And pumping his fist, a victorious man,
And giving a nod, off the sideline he ran.
He sprung to midfield, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew, like the down of a thistle:
But I heard him exclaim, as they ran out of sight —
Goodbye to the Stick, and to all a good night!

GILLIGAN BELLS! Yes, you can sing the "Gilligan's Island" song to the tune of "Jingle Bells"!

It's that wonderful time of the year... 

time that you can sing one famous song to the tune of another.

Did you know that you can sing the theme song of GILLIGAN'S ISLAND to the tune of a popular winter classic?


Just try and sing this to the tune of JINGLE BELLS: 

Sit back and hear a tale
A tale of fateful trip 
from a tropic port 
Aboard a tiny ship 
The mate a sailor man 
The skipper brave and sure 
Five passengers set sail that day for three hour tour 

Gillligan, skipper too 
Millionaire and wife 
Movie star and all the rest try to make a life 
Castaways stranded there 
For a long long time 
Have to make the best of things, it’s an uphill climb. 

The weather it got rough, 
the tiny ship was tossed. 
If no courageous fearless crew, 
the Minnow would be lost. 

First mate and, Skipper too, will do their very best, 
to make the others comfortable in tropic island nest. 
Phone not there, car not there, not one luxury, 
like Robinson Crusoe was, primitive as can be 

The ship was set aground 
on shore of desert isle, 
Profesor and Mary Ann 
On Gilligan’s Isle. 

Join us here, weekly, friends, sure youll get a smile 
Seven stranded castaways on gilligan’s isle 
Jingle Bells, Gilligan, mixing up the song 
One horse sleigh, tiny ship, you all sing along 

THE CREATION STORY- NUTRITION EDITION

<<Based on an email forwarded by Dr. Terry Honer in March 2001 and originally published in Tom Gill Predicts Vol. 15 No. 47 >>
 
 In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth.
 And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness  was upon the face of the deep.
 And Satan said, It doesn't get any better than this.
 And God said, Let there be light, and there was light.
 And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit, and God saw that it was good.
 And Satan said, There goes the neighborhood.
 And God said, Let us make humanity in our image, after our likeness, and let it have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon 
 the Earth.   And so God created humanity in his own image; male and female God created them.  
 And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.
 And Satan said, I know how I can get back in this game.
 And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and kale, green and yellow vegetables  of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
 And Satan created fast food and brought forth the Dollar Menu double cheeseburger.  
 And Satan said, You want fries with that?  
 And the people said, Supersize them. And Man and Woman gained 5 pounds.
 And God created the healthful yogurt, that Man and Woman might keep their bodies trim and fair.
 And Satan brought forth chocolate. 
 And Man and Woman gained 5 pounds.
 And God said, Try my crispy fresh salad.
 And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry's. 
 And Man and Woman gained another 10 pounds.
 And God said, I have sent thee heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them.
 And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.  And Man and Woman gained 10 pounds and their bad cholesterol went through the roof.
 And God brought forth running shoes and Man and Woman resolved to lose those extra pounds.
 And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man and Woman would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2, between Oprah and Ellen. And Man and Woman gained another 20 pounds.
 And God said, You're running up the score, Devil.
 And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.  
 And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.  
 And Man and Woman clutched their remote controls and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. 
 And Satan saw and said, It is good. And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
 And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
 And Satan created HMOs and the Obamacare web site.

THE COFFEE PRAYER

(Adapted from an item that Originally appeared in TOM GILL PREDICTS Vol. 15 #12, 2000: from an item originally provided by Mark Conder)
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Caffeine is my sheperd; I shall not doze.
It maketh me wake in green pastures.
It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.
It restoreth my buzz.
It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of
The shadow of addiction, I will fear no Equal.
For thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar
They comfort me.
Thou preparest a carafe before me
In the presence of Juan Valdez.
Thou annointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.
Surely richness and taste shall follow me
All the days of my life, and
I will dwell in the House of Starbuck's forever.