SOCIAL MEDIA, EXPLAINED

Twitter: “I’m eating a donut.”

Facebook: “I like donuts.”

Foursquare: “This is where I eat donuts.”

Instagram: “Here’s a vintage-style photo of a donut.”

Youtube: “Here I am eating a donut.”

LinkedIn: “My skills include eating donuts.”

Pinterest: “Here’s a recipe for donuts.”

Last.fm: “Now listening to ‘donuts’.”

Google Plus: “I’m a Google employee who eats donuts.”

PUNS

Stealing someone's coffee... is that called mugging?

The other day I held the door open for a clown.  It was a nice jester.

Pasteurize- too far to see.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

Whoever invented "knock-knock" jokes should get a no-bell prize.

Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.

Kulula Airlines

(Original source unknown)

Kulula is a low-cost South African regional airline that doesn't take itself too seriously. Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced,
"People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it !"
---o0o---

On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said,
"Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
----o0o---

On landing, the stewardess said,
"Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it 's something we'd like to have."
----o0o---

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
---o0o---

"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
---o0o---

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:
"Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
---o0o--

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo, a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
---o0o---

>From a Kulula employee:
"Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
---o0o---

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
---o0o---

"Weather at our destination is 30 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."
----o0o---

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
---o0o---

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."
---o0o---

And from the pilot during his welcome message:
"Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
---o0o—

Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,
"That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
---o0o—

Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
---o0o—

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
---o0o—

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline". He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
"Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it ?"
The little old lady said,
"Did we land, or were we shot down?"
---o0o—

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg, the attendant came on with,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.."
---o0o—

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."
---o0o—

Heard on a Kulula flight:
"Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em." 

ENGINEERING FLOW CHART

THINGS PATIENTS HAVE TOLD THEIR DOCTORS- part 2

(Original source unknown, compiled from messages forwarded to me by various people)

1.  The doctor had to explain to a patient that Band-Aids do not actually cure anything, they just cover up (and occasionally medicate) a wound.  The woman had practically covered herself in Band-Aids, hoping to treat her newly diagnosed diabetes.

2. A diabetic woman kept coming in for checkups with extremely high blood sugar levels. As she had been counselled to avoid consuming sugar, it was hard to determine why the levels were so high.  Finally, in the course of another conversation, she explained that she had been having several Slurpees every day.  "They're really not a drink, because they're kind of frozen, and they're not food, so they don't count," she exclaimed. 

3. A man came in for examination of a suspicious growth on his chest.  The physician had to tell him, "Sir, that's your nipple.  Everybody has them, even men."

4. The patient complained that her inhaler didn't seem to be working.  Eventually it turned out that she had been spraying it onto her chest.

5. A patient was prescribed a drug that was delivered in the form of patches.  Before his next appointment, he called in to say he was "running out of space."  His body was nearly covered in patches: he had not been advised to remove the old patches before sticking on the new ones.

6. Patient complained to doctor that everyone- including him- thought he was dirty.  Turned out that he was offended that nurses, attendants, etc. were observed washing their hands/applying sanitizer in his presence.

7. Patient was prescribed an inhaler because he had an allergy to cats.  Came back later with no relief.  Turns out he was spraying the inhaler on his cat.

THINGS PATIENTS HAVE TOLD THEIR DOCTORS

(Original source unknown, compiled from messages forwarded to me by various people)

1. Overheard in a waiting room:

Man 1: My daughter is allergic to wheat.

Man 2: So she can't eat bread or anything?
Man 1: We only give her white bread.
Man 2: Oh yeah, I guess bread only has wheat if it says it on there. Like whole wheat or whatever.
Man 1: Yeah, I guess.
Man 2: So can she eat pizza?
Man 1: Only cheese pizza.

2. Patient was a newly diagnosed diabetic who needed to be taught how to inject insulin. So the diabetes educator did the good old routine of taking an orange, drawing up insulin, then injecting it into the orange. He then made the patient repeat this practice routine a few times.

The patient comes back in a week and his blood sugar is out of control. They ask him if he's been taking his insulin and he goes "of course." So they decide to ask him to demonstrate how he injects insulin. The patient goes "sure, I just need an orange."

At this point I started face palming hard because I know where this one is heading. But of course they got him a orange and a vial of insulin with a syringe. So the guy draws up the insulin correctly, takes the syringe, injects it into the orange, and says "and then I eat the orange."

3. I’m not a medical doctor. I have a PhD in History, but apparently lots of people think that just because I have a DOCTORATE of Philosophy, it means they can ask me about their disgusting medical issues.  I can't prescribe you medication, and I won't look at your rash.

4. A woman had to have her foot amputated and was given waiver forms to sign before the surgery. The patient is asked if she needs time to think about her decision. She’s surprisingly calm and nonchalant, she doesn't seem to worry much that she is losing her limb.  The doctor gets suspicious and probes a bit further, asking why she’s not more concerned. The patient says she understands that they have to operate, but that “it’s okay, I know the foot grows back.”   At which point the surgeon explained to the woman that she is a human, not a lizard.

5. A couple came in, both upset and confused about the fact that the woman had become pregnant. They stressed the fact that they were on birth control, specifically they were on "the pill." However, before I could say anything, the boyfriend quietly took me aside and explained to me that his girlfriend “has a weak stomach and can’t take pills" so he was taking them instead.

6.  A woman came in for an infant health check with her six-month old and she had what looked like chocolate milk in the baby's bottle. The doctor started explaining to her as kindly as he could that she shouldn't be giving her baby chocolate milk, at which point she interrupts him and says "Oh, no, that isn't chocolate milk, I'd never give that to him, chocolate milk is full of sugar.  No, it's coffee! He just loves it!"

Football prediction for 2016 NFL season

TOM GILL PREDICTS that at least once in the new NFL season which is currently starting, at least one of the following two things will happen:

(A) A team will score a touchdown with no time left on the clock, to tie the game.  They will attempt to kick the extra point to win the game... but the kick will be blocked, and the defensive team will run the ball all the way into the other end zone to win the game for THEM.

or

(B) With the score tied, a team will attempt a long field goal as time expires to win the game.  The kick will be no good, and the defensive team will run the ball all the way into the other end zone to win the game for THEM (i.e., the "kick six.")

9/11/2001

In January 2001, I had an extremely vivid dream: honestly, it felt like the most vivid dream I had ever had in my life.

Bush vs. Gore had just been decided by the Supreme Court, and George W. Bush was going to become President. I dreamed that for some reason, I was attending his inauguration ceremony.  I was in a long receiving line held on the roof of a tall building, waiting to go up to Mr. Bush and shake his hand. Just as I got up to the end of the line and was starting to shake his hand and telling him something like, "congratulations, Mr. President, good luck," Dick Cheney came running up and whispered something into Bush's ear. Bush immediately turned ashen- as if the blood had suddenly drained out of him- and he told me, "Now that Cheney tells me what's going to happen here, I'm not sure I want to be President any more."

In my dream, this was all taking place atop the World Trade Center.

Dear Journal Editor, It's Me Again

(My scientist and academician friends may identify with this.  The original source may have been someone named Ray Baumeister.)


Dear Sir, Madame, or Other:

Enclosed is our latest version of MS# 85-02-02-22-RRRRR, that is, the re-re-re-revised revision of our paper.  Choke on it.  We have again rewritten the entire manuscript from start to finish.  We even changed the &%$#$! running head!  Hopefully we have suffered enough by now to satisfy even you and your bloodthirsty reviewers.

I shall skip the usual point-by-point description of every single change we made in response to the critiques.  After all, its fairly clear that your reviewers are less interested in details of scientific procedure than in working out their personality problems and sexual frustrations by seeking some kind of demented glee in the sadistic and arbitrary exercise of tyrannical power over hapless authors like ourselves who happen to fall into their clutches.  We do understand that, in view of the misanthropic psychopaths you have on your editorial board, you need to keep sending them papers, for if they weren't reviewing manuscripts they'd probably be out mugging old ladies or clubbing baby seals to death. Still, from this batch of reviewers, C was clearly the most hostile, and we request that you not ask him or her to review this revision.  Indeed, we have mailed letter bombs to four or five people we suspected of being reviewer C, so if you send the manuscript back to them the review process could be unduly delayed.

Some of the reviewers' comments we couldn't do anything about.  For example, if (as reviewer C suggested) several of my recent ancestors were indeed drawn from other species, it is too late to change that.  Other suggestions were implemented, however, and the paper has improved and benefited.  Thus, you suggested that we shorten the manuscript by 5 pages, and we were able to accomplish this very effectively by altering the margins and printing the paper in a different font with a smaller typeface.  We agree with you that the paper is much better this way.

One perplexing problem was dealing with suggestions # 13-28 by Reviewer B.  As you may recall (that is, if you even bother reading the reviews before doing your decision letter), that reviewer listed 16 works that he/she felt we should cite in this paper.  These were on a variety of different topics, none of which had any relevance to our work that we could see.  Indeed, one was an essay on the Spanish-American War from a high school literary magazine.  The only common thread was that all 16 were by the same author, presumably someone whom Reviewer B greatly admires and feels should be more widely cited.  To handle this, we have modified the Introduction and added, after the review of relevant literature, a subsection entitled "Review of Irrelevant Literature" that discusses these articles and also duly addresses some of the more asinine suggestions in the other reviews.

We hope that you will be pleased with this revision and will finally recognize how urgently deserving of publication this work is.  If not, then you are an unscrupulous, depraved monster with no shred of human decency. You ought to be in a cage.  May whatever heritage you come from be the butt of the next round of ethnic jokes.  If you do accept it, however, we wish to thank you for your patience and wisdom throughout this process and to express our appreciation of your scholarly insights.  To repay you, we would be happy to review some manuscripts for you; please send us the next manuscript that any of these reviewers submits to your journal.

Assuming you accept this paper, we would also like to add a footnote acknowledging your help with this manuscript and to point out that we liked the paper much better the way we originally wrote it, but you held the editorial shotgun to our heads and forced us chop, reshuffle, restate, hedge expand, shorten, and in general covert a meaty paper into stir-fried vegetables.  We couldn't or wouldn't have done it without your input.

Sincerely,

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF CHILDREN

(Circulating around the internet: Author unknown)
From the mouths of children...comes some really funny stuff! 
Check out these (alleged) real answers from real kids taking science exams.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight! between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized (e.g., abdomen, etc.)?
A: The body is consisted into three parts—the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"?
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

The Fisherman and the Businessman (an Allegory of a Story)

A story is told about an American businessman who was on vacation in Central America (or, in some versions, it's Africa). While at the beach, he saw a local fisherman docking at shore with many fish in tow.  The American complimented the fisherman on his catch and asked him how long it took him to catch that many fish.
“Not long, a couple of hours.”
“So why didn’t you stay out longer and catch more?” asked the tourist.
“Because this is enough for me and my family,” he was told.
The businessman persisted. “So what do you do with the rest of your time?”
“I sleep late, fish for a while, play with my children, take a nap and spend time with my wife,” said the fisherman. “In the evening, I go into the village to visit my friends. I have a few drinks, play the guitar and sing a few songs. I have a full life.”
The American couldn’t believe his ears. “I am a successful businessman and I can help you,” he said. “You should spend more time on the water fishing. You can sell the extra fish, make more money, and buy a bigger boat.”
Fisherman: “And after that?”
“Use the extra money made from the bigger boat,” said the businessman. “to buy a few boats and hire more people to operate a fleet of fishing vessels.”
“All of this fish will give you market leverage. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can start to negotiate directly with the buyers. After a while, you would be able to open your own plant. Then you could leave this little village for the big city and maybe even New York! From there you could operate the whole business.”
“How long would that take?” asked the fisherman. “Somewhere between 20-25 years,” came the reply. “What next?”
“Well, that’s when the fun starts,” explained the tourist. “When the business gets really big, you can sell stock in the company and make millions!”
“Wow, millions. This is getting interesting. What happens after I earn millions?” asked the fisherman.
“After that you’ll be able to retire on the coast, sleep in every day, do some fishing, play with your grandkids, take naps and spend time with your wife. In the evenings, you will be able to go out drinking and singing with your friends.”
The fisherman just shrugged his shoulders and walked away.

SCOTTISH VS. IRISH VS. ENGLISH: TRADITIONAL SONGS

In response to this week's BREXIT vote, and the likely repercussion of a Scottish vote on independence from Britain and possibility of Ulster joining Ireland, we start with the Canonical List Of Scottish Folk Song Themes.   (Origin of the following content is unknown and apocryphal)

Everyone I Love Is Dead

The English Have Stolen All My Sheep

You Want To Be My Boyfriend? First You Must Answer These Riddles Three

I Love You A Lot But You’ve Left Me And It’s Raining [fiddle solo]

The Sea Is Treacherous, Just Like The English

One Time Bonnie Prince Charlie Punched Me In The Face And It Was Awesome

The Fairies Have Stolen All My Sheep

We have of course the traditional Irish music genres to go with them:

* Everyone I Love Is An Allegorical Representation of Ireland

* The English Stole My Farm And Put Sheep On It

* You Were My Boyfriend But Now You Won’t Even Come To The Window To Look Upon Me And Our Dead Infant Child (In The Rain)

* Whack Fol Too La Roo Umptytiddly Good They’ve Stopped Listening Now Let’s Talk About Revolution

* Something In Gaelic, I Think It’s About Fairies, Or Maybe A Cow

On the other hand, consider the English folk tradition:

I Met a Girl and We Went Hunting (It Was a Metaphor for Sex)

I Met a Girl and We Caught Some Birds (It Was a Metaphor for Sex)

I Met a Girl and We Found Her Lost Pet (It Was a Metaphor for Sex)

I Met a Girl By Staying At Her Parents’ House and She Made My Bed (It Was an Especially Thinly-Veiled Metaphor for Sex)

I Am a Girl and I Regret Engaging In Metaphors for Sex Because Now I’m Pregnant

I Met a Girl and Bribed Her Into Sex But She Stole My Horse and Ran Away With It

I Met a Girl At an Inn and We Had Non-Metaphorical Sex But She Stole My Stuff The Next Morning and Now I Have Syphilis

Your Fiance Died Either at Trafalgar or Waterloo, Let’s Get Married, I’m Glad You Said No Because I’m Really Him In Disguise

Lord Nelson Sure Was Awesome

The Press-Gang Dragged Off All the Important Men in My Life (And Now They Are Dead)

Farm Laborers Are The Salt of the Earth And Are Never Grindingly Poor

Begging Is a Completely Viable Career Option With Flexible Hours and Unlimited Access to Alcohol

Meanwhile, they all have one common theme, the ever popular “I am very drunk and intend to brag about my sexual exploits/ make fun of the sexual misadventures of others”

CHILDREN USING LOGIC

Teacher: How old is your father?

Kid: He is 6 years old.

Teacher: What?  How is that possible?
Kid: He became a father only when I was born.

Teacher: Maria, go to the map and find North America.

Maria: (goes to map) Here it is.

Teacher: Now, class, who discovered North America?
Children, in unison: Maria!

Teacher: Glenn, how do you spell “crocodile”?

Glenn: k- r- o- k- a- d- i- a- l.

Teacher: That’s incorrect.

Glenn: No, it isn’t.  That’s how *I* spell it!

Teacher: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

Donald: H I J K L M N O

Teacher: That’s incorrect.

Donald: Why?  In your lesson you said it was H to O.

Teacher: Juan, your essay “My Dog” is exactly the same as your brother’s.  Did you copy from him?

Juan: No, it’s the same dog!

Science, Explained

Science, Explained
I recently found this in my files, dated October 1995. They're supposedly real exam answers given by junior high, high school, and college students.
______________________________________________________
"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube."
"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
"Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
"The body consists of three parts: the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."
"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
"Liter: A nest of young puppies."
"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."
"For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration."
"For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."
"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat."
"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

My Encounter With Muhammad Ali

About twenty-five years ago, when I was living in Davis, California, several of my friends and I decided to take a trip to Disneyland.

We had a great time all morning, and eventually found ourselves in an obscure, uncrowded and quite out-of-the-way corner of the park, where we basically stumbled upon a large group having some sort of picnic.  One of my friends did a double-take: the leader of the group was none other than Muhammad Ali!  "The Greatest" motioned for us to come over and join the gathering: each of us shook hands with him, exchanged greetings and had our picture taken with Ali.   He was extremely gracious.  I'm not sure but I think we even had a bite to eat from their picnic offerings.  Later, we all agreed that never in our lives would any of us ever meet a more famous and influential person.

When I have some time, I'll dig deep through my old photo albums and try to find that photo with Ali.  I hope it's still intact.  [If so, I'll post it one of these days.]

[Coda: A year or two later, we decided to go back to Disneyland for a return visit.  This time, of all things, we crossed paths with Michael Jackson and his entourage.  We saw him, but were outside the swarm-of-bees-like crowd surrounding Michael.   Later that day, I overheard one of my friends- from South America- calling his wife and saying, "Wow, Disneyland is amazing.  Every time you go there, you run in to a global superstar!  First Muhammad Ali, now Michael Jackson! They never publicize that!"]

ADVENTURES IN VOICE MAIL AUTOTRANSLATION

My workplace has a voice mail system that automatically emails me a translation of every message left for me.  Well, its attempt at a translation.  It obviously leaves something to be desired.  Here are some examples.

I Chris I check out my name is Nicole in grand and I have a nice evening except I was planning on nevertheless I'm a paper clip class and turn. Anyhow I am still currently in between the PCCNU tap and so she's I'm calling from the US was just German the finest along with the West a bit more information and I read the course description and I wanted to talk to you little bit in detail so if you had a chance that'd be awesome to talk to you otherwise I can send you an email thank you very much and recognizing large happy new year was just developed bye.

Hey professor Gill this is Omar Van Bus Man been is for with fiery bus man’s. I was calling to introduce myself I'm your new falling consultant here at fiery bus man’s taking over from William almost and wanted to take a moment to set up an appointment so looking for a few small self logo overhauls can support you falling forward when it comes to your details and plan if you discover fiery bus man's landed in a modern sense would please give me a call back at your convenience my direct phone number is toll free (redacted) and my personal extension is (redacted).

Hi mom this is trying in that in the torsion pressure leadership I'm calling you back I reached a short and special development -- I will try -- and invite you in the office I will try calling you back a little later and hopefully we will be able to love you okay connect to talking to you bye.

Hi yes Dr. Gill my name is bobby call out.  I was interested in your says see offer that -- owner on portion weather next -- that would be geode three American medium century -- my number is 32 driving -- for five out – out call lotions. Thank you.

Hi John this is a deli calling in hope everything's going okay otherwise touch base with you regarding the luncheon but not for the fish. -- For when they could send it down sorry -- just wanted for fire in brownie but my bladder what so not wanted touch you that also I don't know -- wanted to also be browse maybe my bladder invites.

"Hey Thomas Crag Tweedy my double goes well looking forward to retching you up. Yet -- could you give me a call when you get a chance at – (redacted) need to talk to you that a few other struggling that these two sockets and mouth fart. Thank you brian's on handed to them so thanks nine I would really appreciate it if you landed on them thank you bye."

"Oh come down Thomas after spring borough after wonder break I just sent a limit here I just sent you an email asking where to put my dust collector since we're likely to get some of that wonderful stuff today and I've been a disease and I know you are I've thought you might be stronger than the moon me off told to light for made a catch any so that's why I am with the movie beautiful pictures I'd that's why I called anyway talk to you later exchange emails with you later thank you bye."

  

Voice Mail (51 seconds)(NOTE THE LENGTH OF THE MESSAGE)
Fri 5/13/2016 1:10 PM
"Hey."

"Hi tech gill this is Danny calling from lisp my extension is ***** I tried calling in for five weeks and I know you said in print to go to mass in the future I believe I'm calling in regards to you I could set up vacation E sick I sent me some time but I just wanted to keep anything it could assist us bird toes or if you'd like to maybe set up the meeting 10:30 do you have to date JFK she is pending and if you can call me back at your convenience area emailing me at DESSITT dot edu or my extension is *** for high CIA conference call care please let me know if I can copy of anything thank you appreciate bye bye."

Possible USA Presidential Election chaos twist?

Possible Presidential election chaos twist:

The GOP splits into two parties, the Trump wing and the establishment Republicans. Three strong contestants (Trump: Clinton or Sanders: and an old-school Republican) for the election.

None of the three win an absolute majority of the electoral vote.

Thus, the election is thrown into the House of Representatives.

The ***newly-elected*** Congress would choose the President under these rules: *** one Presidential vote per State. ***

If the newly-elected Congress had the same makeup as the current Congress, the Republicans would have about a two-to-one margin in States. But would they split between the old guard GOP and the Trumpers?

If they can't agree on an absolute majority, then the newly-elected Vice-President becomes President. But if there is also a three way split amongst Veep electoral votes and no VP candidate has a majority, the way I read things, the Speaker of the House would become President- at least until someone gets a majority.

Thus, we could have President Paul Ryan next year? At least for a while?

I'm not saying Tom Gill Predicts this officially, but you heard it here first.

Chicken Fried Steak and the Mysteries of Culinary Linguistic Geography

After I moved to Texas, the first time my parents came to visit from California, I took them out to dinner. Dad ordered chicken fried steak and was perplexed and surprised when he got a beef dish. He thought it was a chicken dish. A fried steak of chicken.  My momma, may she rest in peace, actually often made a similar dish for Dad and I, growing up in California. But she called it "Swiss Steak."   “Why didn’t they tell me I’d be getting swiss steak?,” Dad asked.

Similarly, the first time my good friend Javier came from Mexico City to visit me in Texas, I took him to dinner.  He was confused about an item on the menu- chicken fried steak. I explained to him that it was a Texas version of a "milanesa." "Ahora me acuerdo," he said.

And come to think of it, analogously, when I had colleagues come over from Europe, I had to explain to them that in Texas, "chicken fried steak" is the equivalent of what they know as "wiener schnitzel." And, to confuse them further, the place named "Der Wienerschnitzel" doesn't serve wienerschnitzel, or chicken fried steak, but instead, is a place to get hot dogs. Which are frankfurters. Not made from dogs. And now Burger King sells something called "grilled dogs," and every time I see that on the sign at the Burger King down the road, brings to my mind that they are barbecuing puppies or something awful like that.

I love these mysteries of culinary linguistic geography!

Pancho and Henry

100 years ago yesterday morning, Pancho Villa and his Mexican rebels invaded the United States at Columbus, New Mexico, about 100 kilometers west of El Paso, coming in across the border from the adjacent village of Palomas (next to Laguna Palomas, one of the dry desert lake beds that occasionally floods and also is a regular source of massive dust plumes- all things we're researching). That set in motion the "Punitive Expedition" led by General Pershing, or, as my grand-pappy called it, the "Mexican Fracas."  Records of the campaign discuss how the stifling dust storms of the Chihuahuan Desert created a great challenge for the American forces, and allowed the Mexicans to take cover and escape or hide (a tactic now used by ISIS and other forces in the Middle East).  

 

My grandfather Henry F. Kamps (photo below in the Army uniform, near the end of his career) was one of Pershing's sidemen, chasing Pancho into Mexico. As a little boy, Grandpa would entertain me with tales of riding his horse in the wild West in the Army- for a young lad, that was a double dip of awesomeness, whoa, Grandpa was a soldier AND a cowboy!   About a decade ago, long after Grandfather died (he passed in the early 1970s), my mother and I were looking through some old family records, and found out that Grandpa was the first member of my family to live in El Paso- he was stationed at Fort Bliss- and could be said to be amongst the first Americans to do on-the-ground field reconnaissance of the Chihuahuan Desert terrain, as well as undoubtedly observe its arid landforms and dusty winds.  My oldest sister tells me that Grandpa Kamps told her that since he was young and just starting his military career at the time, they wouldn't let him carry a gun, but instead, he was one of the mounted troops carrying the American flag in the Punitive Expedition.  Grandpa was apparently quite a good cavalry officer: we found records that he took part in equestrian competitions at Fort Bliss on his faithful stallion "Rex," and won awards for horsemanship.  

General Pershing liked Grandpa well enough that (lucky him?) Henry was chosen to go over to Europe with "Black Jack" and the Allies when the USA entered World War I, and he supposedly helped survey and lay out some trenches (via the US Army Corps of Engineers or equivalent) in the last days of trench warfare; he participated in at least one of those infamous battles, and luckily survived.  Grandpa Kamps had a long career as an army officer, rising to Lieutenant Colonel, and staying on active duty through World War II (as an administrator/manager of a military depot in Oregon, as well as in the Army justice/legal system) and finally retiring after the Korean war, living in the Cleveland area before moving to California.

The last photo below is me, little "Tommy," apparently a horsethief as well as rebel (notice my "Texas Stallion"?), perhaps pretending that he was one of Pancho's men firing back at Grandpappy's forces.  Little boys in the USA like to play Cowboys and Indians, or, perhaps, soldiers and revolutionaries?

And now Henry Kamps' grandson is using satellites from space, lasers, and atom smashers to study that same dusty terrain Grandpa traversed with the flag ​on horseback.  How far we've come.

For our local newspaper retrospective, see this:  http://www.elpasotimes.com/story/news/history/2016/03/08/100-years-later-columbus-remembers-pancho-villa/81465718/​

And as a coda, here's a video clip of one of my favourite songs ever.  It's got Pancho, Lefty (I can't remember if my grandpa was left-handed or not?), "the desert down in Mexico," dust (bit down South), and Cleveland.  I have to admit I feel like Pancho (in this song) sometimes- after all, I almost indeed met my match, you know, on the desert down in Mexico a dozen years ago.