YOU MIGHT BE A TEXAN IF...

1. You can properly pronounce Corsicana, Palestine, Decatur, Mexia, Gruene, Beaumont, Pflugerville, Boerne, Amarillo, Pedernales, Bexar, Colorado City, and Balmorhea.

2. Your manners include: "Please", "Thank You", "Excuse me", "Ma'am" & "Sir" & you wanna punch those who don't use them.

3. A tornado warning siren is your signal to put the stuff out in the yard you wanna get rid of.

4. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.

5. You’ve ever had to switch from “heat” to “A/C”, TWICE in the same day.

6. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.

7. Stores don’t have bags, they have sacks.

8. You see people wear bib overalls at funerals, with the utmost respect.

9. You think everyone from a bigger town has an accent.

10. You measure distance in minutes or hours.

11. You hear & use the term "fixin' to" daily.

12. You know that the Chicken Ranch didn’t really raise chickens.

13. Little Smokies are something you serve only for special occasions.

14. You go to the lake because you know what a Bigmouth and a Striper is.

15. You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.

16. You know cowpies are not made of beef.

17. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan a wedding date.

18. You have known someone who has had one belt buckle bigger than your fist.

19. A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at a four-way stop, each determined to be the most polite and let the other go first.

20. You know that “Damnyankee” is one word.

21. You aren’t surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, liquor, and bait all in the same store... & it's a drive-thru.

22. You always have iced tea & cold beer available for guests.

23. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F350 diesel 4x4 is.

24. You know everything goes better with Ranch dressing or hot sauce.

25. You learned how to shoot a gun as soon as you can walk.

26. You actually like these jokes and are fixin’ to send them to your friends.

27. You know not to order a chicken fried steak using words like “rare” or “well done”.

28. You never use the word “veggies”.

29. You know where the Cotton Bowl is.

30. You are 100% Texan if you've EVER heard this conversation:
“You wanna coke?”
“Yeah.”
“What kind?”
“Dr. Pepper.”

YOU CAN TELL IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY WHEN...

You wake up face down on the pavement.
You put your bra on backward and it fits better.
You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
You see a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
You turn on the news and they are showing emergency routes out of the city.
You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize you don't have a waterbed. 
You wake up and your braces are locked together.
Your wife wakes up feeling amorour and you have a headache.
Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
Your boss tells you not to bother taking off your coat.
The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
You walk to work and find out later that your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife. 
You go to check your voice mail and your phone tells you "that's none of your business."
Your income tax check bounces.
You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
Your pet rock snaps at you.
Your wife says "Good Morning, Bill" and your name is George. 

HANDY PROBLEM-SOLVING FLOWCHART!