SCOTTISH VS. IRISH VS. ENGLISH: TRADITIONAL SONGS

In response to this week's BREXIT vote, and the likely repercussion of a Scottish vote on independence from Britain and possibility of Ulster joining Ireland, we start with the Canonical List Of Scottish Folk Song Themes.   (Origin of the following content is unknown and apocryphal)

Everyone I Love Is Dead

The English Have Stolen All My Sheep

You Want To Be My Boyfriend? First You Must Answer These Riddles Three

I Love You A Lot But You’ve Left Me And It’s Raining [fiddle solo]

The Sea Is Treacherous, Just Like The English

One Time Bonnie Prince Charlie Punched Me In The Face And It Was Awesome

The Fairies Have Stolen All My Sheep

We have of course the traditional Irish music genres to go with them:

* Everyone I Love Is An Allegorical Representation of Ireland

* The English Stole My Farm And Put Sheep On It

* You Were My Boyfriend But Now You Won’t Even Come To The Window To Look Upon Me And Our Dead Infant Child (In The Rain)

* Whack Fol Too La Roo Umptytiddly Good They’ve Stopped Listening Now Let’s Talk About Revolution

* Something In Gaelic, I Think It’s About Fairies, Or Maybe A Cow

On the other hand, consider the English folk tradition:

I Met a Girl and We Went Hunting (It Was a Metaphor for Sex)

I Met a Girl and We Caught Some Birds (It Was a Metaphor for Sex)

I Met a Girl and We Found Her Lost Pet (It Was a Metaphor for Sex)

I Met a Girl By Staying At Her Parents’ House and She Made My Bed (It Was an Especially Thinly-Veiled Metaphor for Sex)

I Am a Girl and I Regret Engaging In Metaphors for Sex Because Now I’m Pregnant

I Met a Girl and Bribed Her Into Sex But She Stole My Horse and Ran Away With It

I Met a Girl At an Inn and We Had Non-Metaphorical Sex But She Stole My Stuff The Next Morning and Now I Have Syphilis

Your Fiance Died Either at Trafalgar or Waterloo, Let’s Get Married, I’m Glad You Said No Because I’m Really Him In Disguise

Lord Nelson Sure Was Awesome

The Press-Gang Dragged Off All the Important Men in My Life (And Now They Are Dead)

Farm Laborers Are The Salt of the Earth And Are Never Grindingly Poor

Begging Is a Completely Viable Career Option With Flexible Hours and Unlimited Access to Alcohol

Meanwhile, they all have one common theme, the ever popular “I am very drunk and intend to brag about my sexual exploits/ make fun of the sexual misadventures of others”

CHILDREN USING LOGIC

Teacher: How old is your father?

Kid: He is 6 years old.

Teacher: What?  How is that possible?
Kid: He became a father only when I was born.

Teacher: Maria, go to the map and find North America.

Maria: (goes to map) Here it is.

Teacher: Now, class, who discovered North America?
Children, in unison: Maria!

Teacher: Glenn, how do you spell “crocodile”?

Glenn: k- r- o- k- a- d- i- a- l.

Teacher: That’s incorrect.

Glenn: No, it isn’t.  That’s how *I* spell it!

Teacher: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

Donald: H I J K L M N O

Teacher: That’s incorrect.

Donald: Why?  In your lesson you said it was H to O.

Teacher: Juan, your essay “My Dog” is exactly the same as your brother’s.  Did you copy from him?

Juan: No, it’s the same dog!

Science, Explained

Science, Explained
I recently found this in my files, dated October 1995. They're supposedly real exam answers given by junior high, high school, and college students.
______________________________________________________
"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube."
"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
"Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
"The body consists of three parts: the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."
"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
"Liter: A nest of young puppies."
"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."
"For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration."
"For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."
"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat."
"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

My Encounter With Muhammad Ali

About twenty-five years ago, when I was living in Davis, California, several of my friends and I decided to take a trip to Disneyland.

We had a great time all morning, and eventually found ourselves in an obscure, uncrowded and quite out-of-the-way corner of the park, where we basically stumbled upon a large group having some sort of picnic.  One of my friends did a double-take: the leader of the group was none other than Muhammad Ali!  "The Greatest" motioned for us to come over and join the gathering: each of us shook hands with him, exchanged greetings and had our picture taken with Ali.   He was extremely gracious.  I'm not sure but I think we even had a bite to eat from their picnic offerings.  Later, we all agreed that never in our lives would any of us ever meet a more famous and influential person.

When I have some time, I'll dig deep through my old photo albums and try to find that photo with Ali.  I hope it's still intact.  [If so, I'll post it one of these days.]

[Coda: A year or two later, we decided to go back to Disneyland for a return visit.  This time, of all things, we crossed paths with Michael Jackson and his entourage.  We saw him, but were outside the swarm-of-bees-like crowd surrounding Michael.   Later that day, I overheard one of my friends- from South America- calling his wife and saying, "Wow, Disneyland is amazing.  Every time you go there, you run in to a global superstar!  First Muhammad Ali, now Michael Jackson! They never publicize that!"]