FLASHBACK: Questions about the Olympics in Australia

Now that the Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia are coming to a close, let's look back to TOM GILL PREDICTS-  Vol. 15 #1, from September 2000, from an item forwarded in an email by Alex Cooke, who got it from Ray Frank.  (I wonder what kind of silly questions the Russian Olympic Committee received?
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Going to the Australian Olympics?

Here are some of the actual questions being asked of the Sydney Olympic Committee via their Web site, and answers:

* I hear that all Australian women are beautiful. Is that true and if so, can you send me pictures of the available ones? (Italy)
  (Sure, there's only 8 million of them.)

* I want to go swimming at Bondi Beach on October 20th. Will I turn blue? (Germany)
  (More likely brown, considering the effluent.)

* Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
  (Upwards, out of the ground, like the person who asked this question, who themselves will need watering if their IQ drops any lower.)

* Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
  (Depends on how much beer you've consumed.)

* I plan to take some day trips during the Olympics.  Which direction should I drive - Perth to Darwin or Darwin to Perth - to avoid driving with the sun in my eyes? (Germany)
  (Excellent question, considering that the Olympics are being held in Sydney.)

* I want to walk from Perth to Sydney for the Olympics - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
  (Sure, it's only seven thousand miles, so you'll need to have started about a year and a half ago to get there in time for the Games.)

* Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
  (And accomplish what?)

* It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
  (I'm not touching this one!)

* My client wants to take a steel pooper-scooper into Australia. Will you let her in? (South Africa)
  (Why? We do have toilet paper here.)

* Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
  (No, and we use shells for money too.)

* Where can I learn underwater welding in Australia? (Portugal)
  (???)

* Do the camels in Australia have one hump or two? (UK)
  (Depends if you get an ugly one or not.)

* Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
  (Why bother? Use your fingers like the rest of us, mate.)

* Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
  (No. Everybody stinks.)

* Do tents exist in Australia? (Germany)
  (Yes, but only in sporting goods stores, peoples' garages, and most national parks.)

* Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
  (Yes.  At Christmas.)

* Can I drive to the Great Barrier Reef? (Germany)
  (Sure, if your vehicle is amphibious.)

* Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
  (Not yet, but we'll see what we can do when you get here.)

* Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
  (What's this guy smoking, and where do I get some?)

* Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
  (A blonde?)

* Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
  (Rattlesnakes? There is only serum for the Funnel Web and Red-Back Spiders. You will need to contend with White-Tail Spiders, Brown, Tiger and Red-Belly Black snakes, sharks, Red Kangaroos, Blue-ringed Octopuses and the 3 AM pub closing time.)

* Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
  (Face North and you should be about right)

* Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
  (Americans have long had trouble distinguishing between Austria and Australia.)

* I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
  (Another blonde?)

* I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
  (From Liz Taylor, perhaps?)

* Are there places in Australia where you can make love outdoors? (Italy)
  (Yes.  Outdoors.)

* I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
(No comment.)

* Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
  (Yes, except in America.)

TOM GILL PREDICTS- Official Predictions

This page will be reserved for my official, and legendary, Predictions.
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(1) Within 50 years, one of the current United States of America will break off and become an independent nation.  (Most likely?  Alaska.)  [Prediction made on 2/15/2014]

MEETING BUZZWORDS!

Originally published TOM GILL PREDICTS-  Volume Fifteen, Number Two, on September 4, 2000, these Meeting Buzzwords were forwarded by Doreen Salazar from Dr. S. Papper.  They remain as apt today as they were fourteen years ago.
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 Here are some definitions of terms commonly used in staff meetings- and what they REALLY mean:
 
 
 Opportunity:        A long shot
 Challenge:      A long shot without money or space
 Potential:      "excellent training, meager accomplishments"
 Influential:        Big mouth
 Multidisciplinary:  Without leadership
 Integrated:         Fully organized but without content
 Relevant:       Quality not required
 Multifaceted:       Chaos
 Paranoid:       One who usually disagrees with the chairman
 Immature:       One who often disagrees with the chairman
 Progress:         change in policy
 Essentially:        Plus or minus 100%
 Focus:          Ignore everything except my point
 Mission:        Improve parking
 Solution:       Refer to a committee

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE BEING STALKED BY MARTHA STEWART

From an item originally forwarded by Alice Gomez and published in Tom Gill Predicts Volume Fifteen, Number Nine, September 2000

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 10. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a  magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.

 9. That telltale lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.

 8. On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like  your split-level, right down to the fallen-over licorice downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.

 7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon, rose petal & saffron demi-glace', with pecan-crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint-fennel sauce.

 6. The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you even after you leave the bathroom.

 5. You discover that every napkin in the entire house has been folded into a swan.

 4. No matter "where" you eat, your place setting always includes an oyster fork.

 3. Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying.

 2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice.


 and the NUMBER 1 Sign You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart . . .

 1. You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.