DAM BEAVERS: 20th anniversary

It was twenty years ago that Stephen Tvedten, who, although allegedly living in Texas, was the owner of some land in Michigan, was given a letter sent to his property's renter from the State of Michigan Department of Environmental Quality regarding the "unauthorized construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams" on a stream on his property. The letter reminded him that these dams were not permitted, and thus he was in violation of the law and must cease and desist: and that the dams would need to be removed.

There were dams on his property, alright.  Beaver dams.  And he wrote back to the Michigan DEQ, in a letter which probably was one of the most widely circulated items on the Internet back in the day.   Here's his letter.

Dear Mr. Price:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N, R10W, Sec 20; Montcalm County

Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to.  You sent out a great deal of carbon copies to a lot of people, but you neglected to include their addresses.  You will, therefore, have to send them a copy of my response.

First of all, Mr. Ryan DeVries is not the legal landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan - I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.  While I did not pay for, nor authorize their dam project, I think they would be highly offended you call their skillful use of natural building materials "debris".  I would like to challenge you to attempt to emulate their dam project any dam time and/or any dam place you choose.  I believe I can safely state there is no dam way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your dam request the beavers first must fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity, my first dam question to you is: are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond  Beavers or do you require all dam beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?  If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, please send me completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits.  Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws annotated.  My first concern is - aren't the dam beavers entitled to dam legal representation?  The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said dam representation - so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.

The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing dam flooding is proof we should leave the dam Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.  If you want the dam stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition - contact the dam beavers - but if you are going to arrest them (they obviously did not pay any dam attention to your dam letter -- being unable to read English) - be sure you read them their dam Miranda first.  As for me, I am not going to cause more dam flooding or dam debris jams by interfering with these dam builders.  If you want to hurt these dam beavers - be aware I am sending a copy of your dam letter and this response to PETA.  If your dam Department seriously finds all dams of this nature inherently hazardous and truly will not permit their existence in this dam State - I seriously hope you are not selectively enforcing this dam policy - or once again both I and the Spring Pond Beavers will scream prejudice!

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their dam unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream.  They have more dam right than I to live and enjoy Spring Pond.  So, as far as I and the beavers are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more dam elevated enforcement action now.  Why wait until 1/31/98?  The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then, and there will be no dam way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem; bears are actually defecating in our woods.  I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the dam beavers alone.   If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step!  (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.
 

Sincerely,

Stephen L.Tvedten

Geology Joke

Some geologists are Gneiss.  But some are full of Schist and ought to wear a Diapir.  Some geologists are Tuff, and others are just Wacke.  Some just need to take a Nappe.  But don't put your Karst before the Horst.

The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month..  My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell he is. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..   I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.  Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there. Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.  The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looked good didn't she.' If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.   I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,...just getting over the hill. We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.   AND Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

Bannered Thoughts

it's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.

A fool & his money can throw a great party

LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES -  USE BIRTH CONTROL

Money isn't everything, But it sure keeps the kids in touch.

If at first you don't succeed, Skydiving is not for you

We are born naked, wet, hungry. Then things get worse.

Red meat is not bad for you;    Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to produce reproductive organs.

Alabama state motto:    At least we're not Mississippi

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.

The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population

"I think Members of Congress should wear uniforms like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors."

The reason politicians try so hard to get

re-elected is that they would hate to try to

make a living under the laws they've passed.

DODGE CITY (true story)

Memory coming back to me: 

Back when I first moved to Texas and was working for the U.S. Department of Agriculture, our group had to take a road trip to Kansas City for a meeting.  Amongst us was a visiting researcher, who was from China.  

We decided to take the scenic route (Hey! Don't laugh! For Department of Agriculture folks and geography buffs, the Great Plains are scenic!), make it a two-day trip, and stop for the night in Dodge City.  The Chinese guy was really thrilled about that: we figured he must be a fan of old Westerns.  

When we left town the next morning to hit the road to K.C., he pleaded with us to at least stop and have a view of the factory on the way out.  The factory?  What?  Of course, the automotive plant!  He had been thrilled because he had thought that we must be where Dodge cars and trucks were made.  He was unhappy when we told him he was misinformed.

THOUGHTS OF THE DAY

♦  I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

 

♦ Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a bottle of water.

 

♦ I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

 

♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

 

♦ A recent study has found that woman who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.

 

♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

 

♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

 

♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

 

♦ Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

 

♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

 

♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

 

♦ Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

 

♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

 

♦ My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

 

♦ My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.

 

♦ The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

 

♦The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in your pajamas before you start looking like a mental patient.

 

♦ Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

 

♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.