TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE BEING STALKED BY MARTHA STEWART

From an item originally forwarded by Alice Gomez and published in Tom Gill Predicts Volume Fifteen, Number Nine, September 2000

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 10. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a  magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.

 9. That telltale lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.

 8. On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like  your split-level, right down to the fallen-over licorice downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.

 7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon, rose petal & saffron demi-glace', with pecan-crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint-fennel sauce.

 6. The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you even after you leave the bathroom.

 5. You discover that every napkin in the entire house has been folded into a swan.

 4. No matter "where" you eat, your place setting always includes an oyster fork.

 3. Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying.

 2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice.


 and the NUMBER 1 Sign You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart . . .

 1. You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.