THE FOREIGNER'S TRAVEL GUIDE TO TEXAS

This week, we revisit TOM GILL PREDICTS Volume 15, No. 54 from early 2001, and an

item originally forwarded by Jeff Lee- The Foreigner's Travel Guide to Texas.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Those of you who are not from the Lone Star State might find the following advice helpful:

Don't expect to find sushi or pasta primavera at the local restaurant. It's
a cafe. They serve burgers and chicken fried steak. Let them cook something
they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

Don't laugh at names like Lee Roy, Billy Bob, Billy Joe, Billy Ray, Tammy
Sue, Bubba or Sissy or you'll get your ass kicked.

Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. In Texas it's called a coke (or,
in some places, a coldrink- that's with one syllable, mind you.)  Nobody gives
a darn whether it's Pepsi, Mountain Dew, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever, we call it a 
coke or coldrink. Accept it or you're in for an ass kicking.

We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (read some J.
Frank Dobie). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer than
you. Don't refer to us as hay seeds, goat ropers or hicks or you'll get your
ass kicked.  And WHATEVER you do, NEVER call us an "Okie."

We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Howard Hughes, H. Ross Perot,
Southwest Airlines, Dell Computers). Naturally, sometimes we have small
lapses in judgment (e.g., Phil Gramm). Certainly, we are not stupid enough
to let someone move to our state just so they can run for the United States
Senate. If anyone tried to do that here, they would get their ass kicked.

Don't laugh at our war monuments. If Lee had listened to General Hood you'd
be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. When you visit the Alamo,
take your hat off and be properly humbled or we'll kick your ass.

We are fully aware of how hot it gets and high the humidity is, so shut up
about it. If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen, or we'll kick
your ass.

Do not attempt to eat tamales without first removing the cornhusk casing.
Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee and think you're stupid. DO
NOT, under any circumstances, ever say the chili is too hot or your steak
is too rare. Such talk will generate a serious ass kicking.

Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know they are
not. We've been to your hellholes like Detroit, Chicago, New York and Hollywood,
and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready
when you are. Haul your happy ass back home before it gets kicked back.

Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We say things like "ain't," "fixin'
to" and "ya'll" so we won't sound like you. We don't care if you understand
us or not. We Texans understand each other and that's all that matters.
Leave us be or we'll kick your ass.

Don't complain that certain parts of this state "smell" like oil. Oil is
Texas Gold and besides, if your livelihood depended on those wells you'd
love the aroma like we do.  None of our lakes or rivers have caught fire
lately so don't you dare whine about our scenic beauty or you'll get your
ass kicked.

Don't ridicule our Texas manners. We say grace, sir and ma'am and we hold
the door for our women and old folks. Such things are expected here. Behave
yourselves around our sweet little old grandmothers cause they can kick some
ass too.

Don't think we're simpletons or losers because many of us live in small
towns. We do this because we have enough sense to not live in crime infested
cesspools like Washington D.C. Make fun of our small towns and the whole
town will kick your ass.

DON'T YOU DARE tell us how to cook barbecue. That will get your ass shot.
Criticize the barbecue and you'll go home in a pine box-minus your ass.

Remember, the only reason you are lucky enough to be here in the first place
is because we have not yet moved the Border Patrol to the Red River where it
really belongs, to keep your ass out.