ACTUAL QUESTIONS ABOUT CANADA

Real Questions Submitted to the Canadian Tourist Board (and how they SHOULD have answered)

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them
die. Except for the totem poles, which grow twenty centimetres per year.
 
Q: Will I be able to see polar bears in the street? (USA) 
A: This will depend upon how much you've been drinking. 
 
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto-can I follow the railroad
tracks? (Sweden) 
A: Yes. It's only four thousand miles, so take lots of water. 
 
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name.
It is kind of big horse with horns. (France) 
A: It's called a moose. They are tall and very violent and eat the brains of
anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself
with goose urine before you go out walking. 

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of
them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton & Halifax? (UK) 
A: There is one in each city. The queues form to the left, and bring a
lunch, since they are quite busy dispensing two American dollars for every
Canadian dollar.
 
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (Denmark) 
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da
is that big country north of-oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every
Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked. 
 
Q: Which direction is north in Canada? (Mexico)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and
we'll send the rest of the directions. 
 
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK) 
A: Why? Just use toboggan spikes like we do. 
 
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (Portugal) 
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is-oh
forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir performs every Tuesday night in
Vancouver and in Calgary, immediately after the hippo races. But remember,
you must come naked. 
 
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany) 
A: What for? It is like catnip to a moose. 
 
Q: I have developed a new product that is fountain of youth. Can you tell me
where I can sell it in Canada? (Japan) 
A: Anywhere a significant number of Americans gather. Try any Starbucks or
McDonalds.
 
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female
population is smaller than the male population? (Italy) 
A: Yes. Gay nightclubs. 
 
Q: Is Thanksgiving celebrated in Canada? (USA) 
A: Yes, every second Monday in October since 1729, but only if all the
igloos have been re-iced. 
 
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round?
(Germany)
 A: No. We are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is
illegal, except for babies. Was ist ein Supermarkt?
  
Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R&R, and I want to contact the girl I dated
while I was staying in Surrey, B.C. Can you help? (UK) 
A: Yes, but you will still have to pay her by the hour. 
 
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA) 
A: In most places, yes, but in some places proper English is greeted with
gunfire, so you should be safe.

 Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So it 'is' true what they say about Swedes.the answer is yes, but don't
forget the goose urine. And lots of water if you're walking from Vancouver
to Toronto.