1. My goal for 2016 was to lose ten pounds. Only fifteen more to go!
2. I ate a salad for dinner. Mostly croutons and tomatoes. OK, really one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce and cheese and sausage. FINE, I ate a pizza.
3. How to prepare tofu: 1. Throw it in the trash. 2. Grill some meat.
4. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
5. I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
6. A recent study has shown that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
7. Kids today don't know how good they have it. Back when I was their age, I had to get up and walk ten feet over shag carpet to change the TV channel.
8. I may not be funny or good looking or athletic or talented or rich... oh, I forgot where I was going with this.
9. I love being over 50 years old. Every day I learn a new thing, and forget five others.
10. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
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