FLASHBACK: Questions about the Olympics in Australia

Now that the Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia are coming to a close, let's look back to TOM GILL PREDICTS-  Vol. 15 #1, from September 2000, from an item forwarded in an email by Alex Cooke, who got it from Ray Frank.  (I wonder what kind of silly questions the Russian Olympic Committee received?
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Going to the Australian Olympics?

Here are some of the actual questions being asked of the Sydney Olympic Committee via their Web site, and answers:

* I hear that all Australian women are beautiful. Is that true and if so, can you send me pictures of the available ones? (Italy)
  (Sure, there's only 8 million of them.)

* I want to go swimming at Bondi Beach on October 20th. Will I turn blue? (Germany)
  (More likely brown, considering the effluent.)

* Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
  (Upwards, out of the ground, like the person who asked this question, who themselves will need watering if their IQ drops any lower.)

* Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
  (Depends on how much beer you've consumed.)

* I plan to take some day trips during the Olympics.  Which direction should I drive - Perth to Darwin or Darwin to Perth - to avoid driving with the sun in my eyes? (Germany)
  (Excellent question, considering that the Olympics are being held in Sydney.)

* I want to walk from Perth to Sydney for the Olympics - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
  (Sure, it's only seven thousand miles, so you'll need to have started about a year and a half ago to get there in time for the Games.)

* Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
  (And accomplish what?)

* It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
  (I'm not touching this one!)

* My client wants to take a steel pooper-scooper into Australia. Will you let her in? (South Africa)
  (Why? We do have toilet paper here.)

* Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
  (No, and we use shells for money too.)

* Where can I learn underwater welding in Australia? (Portugal)
  (???)

* Do the camels in Australia have one hump or two? (UK)
  (Depends if you get an ugly one or not.)

* Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
  (Why bother? Use your fingers like the rest of us, mate.)

* Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
  (No. Everybody stinks.)

* Do tents exist in Australia? (Germany)
  (Yes, but only in sporting goods stores, peoples' garages, and most national parks.)

* Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
  (Yes.  At Christmas.)

* Can I drive to the Great Barrier Reef? (Germany)
  (Sure, if your vehicle is amphibious.)

* Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
  (Not yet, but we'll see what we can do when you get here.)

* Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
  (What's this guy smoking, and where do I get some?)

* Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
  (A blonde?)

* Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
  (Rattlesnakes? There is only serum for the Funnel Web and Red-Back Spiders. You will need to contend with White-Tail Spiders, Brown, Tiger and Red-Belly Black snakes, sharks, Red Kangaroos, Blue-ringed Octopuses and the 3 AM pub closing time.)

* Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
  (Face North and you should be about right)

* Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
  (Americans have long had trouble distinguishing between Austria and Australia.)

* I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
  (Another blonde?)

* I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
  (From Liz Taylor, perhaps?)

* Are there places in Australia where you can make love outdoors? (Italy)
  (Yes.  Outdoors.)

* I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
(No comment.)

* Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
  (Yes, except in America.)

TOM GILL PREDICTS- Official Predictions

This page will be reserved for my official, and legendary, Predictions.
______________________________________________________

(1) Within 50 years, one of the current United States of America will break off and become an independent nation.  (Most likely?  Alaska.)  [Prediction made on 2/15/2014]

MEETING BUZZWORDS!

Originally published TOM GILL PREDICTS-  Volume Fifteen, Number Two, on September 4, 2000, these Meeting Buzzwords were forwarded by Doreen Salazar from Dr. S. Papper.  They remain as apt today as they were fourteen years ago.
****************************************************************

 Here are some definitions of terms commonly used in staff meetings- and what they REALLY mean:
 
 
 Opportunity:        A long shot
 Challenge:      A long shot without money or space
 Potential:      "excellent training, meager accomplishments"
 Influential:        Big mouth
 Multidisciplinary:  Without leadership
 Integrated:         Fully organized but without content
 Relevant:       Quality not required
 Multifaceted:       Chaos
 Paranoid:       One who usually disagrees with the chairman
 Immature:       One who often disagrees with the chairman
 Progress:         change in policy
 Essentially:        Plus or minus 100%
 Focus:          Ignore everything except my point
 Mission:        Improve parking
 Solution:       Refer to a committee

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE BEING STALKED BY MARTHA STEWART

From an item originally forwarded by Alice Gomez and published in Tom Gill Predicts Volume Fifteen, Number Nine, September 2000

******************************************************
 10. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a  magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.

 9. That telltale lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.

 8. On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like  your split-level, right down to the fallen-over licorice downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.

 7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon, rose petal & saffron demi-glace', with pecan-crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint-fennel sauce.

 6. The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you even after you leave the bathroom.

 5. You discover that every napkin in the entire house has been folded into a swan.

 4. No matter "where" you eat, your place setting always includes an oyster fork.

 3. Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying.

 2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice.


 and the NUMBER 1 Sign You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart . . .

 1. You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.

THEN AND NOW

  
"This is the age
 Of the half-read page.
 And the quick hash
 And the mad dash.
 The bright night
 With the nerves tight.
 The plane hop
 With the brief stop.
 The lamp tan
 In a short span.
 The Big Shot
 In a good spot.
 And the brain strain
 The heart pain.
 And the cat naps
 Till the spring snaps --
 And the fun's done!"
 
Sound familiar? But wait -- this poem was actually published in
The Saturday Evening Post in 1949, under the title, "Time of the
Mad Atom." Seems that people were as rushed then as they are now!

LATIN PHRASES YOU CAN USE EVERY DAY!

Originally forwarded by Alice Gomez and published in Tom Gill Predicts in October 2000, here are (at least allegedly...)

Common Latin phrases you can use every day.
-----------------

 Perscripto in manibus tabellariorum est.
 The check is in the mail.


 Dulci fruere.
 Have a nice day.


 Mihi ignosce. Cum homine de cane debeo congredi.
 Excuse me. I've got to see a man about a dog.


 Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.
 I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear.


 Magister Mundi sum!
 I am the Master of the Universe!


 Fac me cocleario vomere!
 Gag me with a spoon!


 Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?
 Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me?


 Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam.
 I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.


 Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.
 I'm not interested in your dopey religious cult.


 Noli me vocare, ego te vocabo.
 Don't call me, I'll call you.


 Vacca foeda
 Stupid cow


 Raptus regaliter
 Royally screwed


 Canis meus id comedit.
 My dog ate it.


 Fac ut gaudeam.
 Make my day.


 Braccae illae virides cum subucula rosea et tunica Caledonia-quam elenganter concinnatur!
 Those green pants go so well with that pink shirt and the plaid jacket!


 Visne saltare? Viam Latam Fungosam scio.
 Do you want to dance? I know the Funky Broadway.


 Flexilis sum, gluten es, me resilit, ad te haeret.
 I'm rubber, you're glue, bounces off me, sticks to you.


 Radix lecti
 Couch potato


 Spero nos familiares mansuros.
 I hope we'll still be friends.


 Mellita, domi adsum!
 Honey, I'm home!


 Ventis secundis, tene cursum.
 Go with the flow.


 Totum dependeat.
 Let it all hang out.


 Prehende uxorem meam, sis!
 Take my wife, please!


 Vescere bracis meis.
 Eat my shorts.


 Sic faciunt omnes.
 Everyone is doing it.


 Fac ut vivas.
 Get a life.

 Si hoc signum legere potes, operis boni in rebus Latinus alacribus et fructuosis potiri potes!
 If you can read this sign, you can get a good job in the fast-paced, high- paying world of Latin!


 Sona si Latine loqueris.
 Honk if you speak Latin.

ACTUAL NOTES TO LANDLORDS

Excerpted from Tom Gill Predicts Vol. XV No. XI, October 1, 2000, from an email circulated around the Internet and forwarded to me by Hiram Jackson.
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GENUINE EXCERPTS FROM LETTERS SENT TO LANDLORDS:

1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

2. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

4. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

6. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

7. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

8. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

9. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk.
Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

10. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

11. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.

12. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap.  My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

13. When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess.  Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy. 

FUN ON A FIELD TRIP!

[Note: Many years ago, the Fallbrook Gem and Mineral Society
conducted a field trip to a rare-earth pegmatite at the Southern Pacific
Silica Quarry, located in the Lakeview Mountains of Riverside County,
California. A number of interesting things were collected at this site:
asterated quartz, tourmaline, monazite, Herb's truck, cyrtolite,
xenotime, thorogummite, ... Wait a minute! Herb's truck? Yes, while FGMS
member Herb Sulsky was busy collecting specimens in the quarry, thieves
were busy "collecting" Herb's truck from where it was parked.

Although disasters of various kinds do occur during field trips, they
are not always restricted to trips taken by amateurs. The following
article describes the events that occurred during a geological field
conference that was sponsored by and for an association of professional
geologists. While the disaster described therein doesn't compare to
theft of personal property or injury, it does illustrate the kinds of
things that can go wrong during any organized activity.

Incidently, Herb's truck was eventually found--in pieces. So, now Herb
has a new truck to drive (with a state-of-the-art anti-theft system
installed) and a story to tell.

While it won't make up for the loss of his truck, we'll dedicate the
following to Herb. The story is true.]

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sixty years ago: The Fourth Field Conference sponsored by the New
Mexico Geological Society, a tour of southwest New Mexico and southeast
Arizona, began at El Paso Thursday morning, October 15, 1953. After
examining Paleozoic and Cretaceous rocks in the vicinity of El Paso, the
caravan passed northward to Las Cruces and Caballo and westward through
Hillsboro and Kingston to Silver City. On Saturday, the conference
visited the Tyrone, Santa Rita and White Signal mining districts and
returned to Silver City for a banquet at the Murray Hotel. On Sunday,
the fourth day, the group drove from Silver City to Lordsburg, then
westward across Steins Pass to Wilcox and Dos Cabezas, Arizona, where
the caravan disbanded.

Edward C. "Ed" Beaumont, then with the U.S. Geological Survey, was general
chairman. Ed's comments of April 1977, expurgated slightly, provide
deeper insight into the conference ... "This was a four-day field trip
as opposed to the usual three-day trip. We spent one day in the El Paso
area and thus suffered from two nights of exposure to the Juarez
influence. For some reason in 1953, the geologists in general seemed to
be a little `woolier.' I recognize that I was considerably younger, but
I began to have serious doubts whether even a majority of those
registered would ever make it aboard for the final caravan run out of El
Paso the second day. I can't blame it all on Juarez because a certain
service company managed to keep a portable den of iniquity going 24
hours a day from the night of registration right on through the end of
the field trip. Reportedly, neither representative of this company ever
made any pretense at sleeping other than an occasional `catnap' while
the other was driving. Another service company vied with the first to
supply refreshments to the crowd, and provided all of the beer we could
drink along the way. Except for the more intense competition between
service companies, the situation was not much different from more recent
trips. However, on this occasion, if beer wasn't sufficient, you could
always go to the backseat of the truck of the number one service company
to obtain whatever common or exotic form of hard liquor that you might
desire.

"Lack of manpower was a major problem. One of the chairmen listed in the
guidebook was never even seen. He and I later became good friends, but
in the preparation period and during the trip I didn't even know what
the man looked like. Four out of the other five trip arrangements
chairmen, including both of the caravan chairmen, were unable to attend
the field conference. Naturally, this placed a considerable burden on
myself. Fortunately, I had made an intensive dry run through the route,
and with the aid of Phil Hayes and some excellent flagmen we were able
to handle the parking at the various stops along the route without any
undue confusion.

"In the earlier years of our field tripping we were required by state
law to have two state police patrol vehicles accompany us both in New
Mexico and in Arizona. The two patrolmen from New Mexico succumbed early
in the afternoon to booze supplied by the unnamed service company.
Before long, we were receiving less than a lot of protection from our
highway patrol escorts. One of the most frightening memories etched
deeply into my mind is a recollection of the downhill race on the west
side of the Black Range (this was before the road was paved) between the
highway patrol lead car and one of the service company cars. I was
riding with the patrolman and I must confess that I saw very little of
what was happening because I was crouched on the back floor waiting for
what I knew had to be the inevitable crash or roll. Somehow we managed
to make it safely to the bottom of the mountain and to the town of
Silver City.

"However, our problems weren't over because we were met on the outskirts
of Silver City by a representative of the Silver City Police Department
who informed us that due to the press of traffic in the rush hour we
would not be permitted to take the caravan into town. We were diverted
to a parking lot on the outskirts of town some six or seven blocks from
the hotel which was our headquarters and the stopping point for most of
the field trippers. I argued with the city police, but I could not
prevail and we were forced to make our way on foot or by thumb into
town. Sometime after 8 p.m., as I recall, the cars in the caravan were
allowed to come on into town. The next day was relatively uneventful,
but that evening, thanks to the seemingly unlimited supply of booze, we
had a `rip-roaring' banquet. I am sure that several things of note
occurred thereat, but I for one was beyond caring and don't remember too
many of the details of the evening.

"A bit of a nightmare begins with the next morning. We were assembled
around the town square on Sunday morning awaiting our police escort.
They were late and I was sitting in the sound car assuring the assembled
group, most of whom were hung over even worse than they had been in El
Paso, that we would be getting underway momentarily. Then someone--I
don't recall who it was--came along and announced that one of our state
police officers had been thrown in jail and we would be delayed until
such time as we could get him released. I was so stunned that I just sat
there, demoralized, with the microphone open, and, to my chagrin, I
exclaimed in a tone that was heard throughout downtown Silver City, `Oh,
--!.' Eventually we decided to send the caravan on ahead with the other
state patrolman driving the lead car. Somehow, we then managed to get
the incarcerated state cop released.

"The caravan was 30 or 40 miles down the highway driving toward
Lordsburg by the time we got things straightened out and got underway
ourselves. One of the service company cars had remained with us, and
thus the two cars started off down the narrow road out of Silver City.
Apparently, it seemed to the others involved (but not to me!) that this
was a good time for another race. The service company boys took off down
the highway at `breakneck' speed with the state patrolman, who was,
incidentally, hung over about as bad as a man can be and still live, in
hot pursuit. We attained speeds in the vicinity of 100 miles per hour at
which time even the bravest of the brave decided it was time to slow
down. But, the bravest of the brave did not happen to include our state
patrolman. He decided that it would be fun to nudge the service company
trucks at speeds in the vicinity, right at, or perhaps exceeding 100
miles per hour. I have never seen two guys blanch so completely as those
service company boys when their car was being gently nudged ahead, and
at the same time, they were trying to slow down. The state patrolman
thought this was hilarious, and it actually seemed to revive his
spirits. I might note that he had been jailed, so the story goes, for
having gotten drunk and attempting to molest his ex-wife, who at that
time was the current girlfriend of the sheriff. How we survived all of
this I am not sure. But, I'm certain that I used up a few of my nine
lives during the course of this trip.

"Perhaps it was the contrast, or, more probably, it was actually as good
as I remember, but one of the real highlights of this trip was the
feeding of the field trippers by the Women's Club of Wilcox, Arizona. A
town like Wilcox offers very few facilities that can take care of
several hundred persons on a trip like this. So, we were very fortunate
to have the ladies of this small town undertake to provide the lunch for
our group as a fund-raising project. They did a fantastic job; they had
beans that I will never forget and hot fresh bread and many other tasty
dishes including fresh pie for dessert.

"I had bad dreams for several years as a result of having been general
chairman for this trip. But now, more than 20 years later, I am able to
laugh again instead of cry when think back to the Fourth Field Conference."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The preceding article was published in the June 1993 issue of
Lithosphere, the official bulletin of the Fallbrook [California] Gem and
Mineral Society, Inc; Richard Busch (Editor).  It was noted by the
editors that the material is in the public domain, and may be republished freely.

DEEP THOUGHTS FROM KIDS

Adapted from TOM GILL PREDICTS Vol. 15 no. 5- September 2000, from material contributed by Jeanette Martin that had been circulating around the Internet back then.

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From an actual newspaper contest where entrants ages 4 to 15 were asked to provide Deep Thoughts.
       
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? --Age 15
  
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. --Age 13
  
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for
the long weekends. --Age 8
  
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any ol' person vote. --Age 10
  
Home is where the house is. --Age 6
  
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. --Age 6
  
My younger brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to hell and burn
eternally-- but I didn't want to upset him. --Age 10
  
I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of  the Constitution. I tell   Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table.  I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder.  We spend the rest of the night burping.
  --Age 15
  
When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again.  But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. --Age 5
  
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower. --Age 11
  
I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big fresh water lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. --Age 13
  
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day.  At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. --Age 7
  
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. --Age 15
  
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident.  No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood  would be right there. --Age 5
  
Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then,imagine if you had that many Twinkies.  Wow, that's five more than the biggest number could come up with! --Age 6
  
The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" --Age 15
  
Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right? --Age 15
  
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. --Age 15

'Twas Two Nights Before Christmas (A Visit from St. Kaeper-Nick)

In honour of tonight's last regular-season San Francisco 49ers home football game at Candlestick Park.

'Twas two nights before Christmas, out at Candlestick Park,
And the football game started as day became dark.
The Faithful were hungry, their cheeks were all pinched,
In hopes that a playoff berth soon would be clinched;
The fans they were nestled all snug in their seats,                               
While the owners saw titles from up in their suites.
And Mom in her jersey, and I in my best,
Had just settled in for the last home contest,
When out on the field there arose such a clatter,
I sprang to my feet to see what was the matter.
Down to the railing I flew with my beer,
Wide opened my eyes, and let out a cheer.
The lights shining down like a brilliant white flame,
Gave the luster of mid-day to the start of the game;
And off from the sidelines running out did arise,
My starting offense, they were massive big guys,
With a confident driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it was St. Kaeper Nick.
More rapid than Falcons his coursers arrayed,
And he whistled, and shouted, and call'd out the plays:
"Now! Davis, now! Gore now!  Iupati and Goodwin!
"On!  Staley and Crabtree!  on!  Boldin and Dixon!;
"To the shifting formation! To the snap of the ball!
"Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky;
So down to the red-zone the coursers they flew,
With the squad in perfection and St. Kaepernick too:
And then in a twinkling, I heard the crowd roar
As they crossed past the goal-line and a touchdown was scored.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
the Gold Rush girls cheered and the foghorn did sound:
The din just got louder and bounced off of each rafter,
As Dawson’s sure foot put up through the point after;
The defence it smothered the Falcons attack,
And they look'd more ferocious with each tackle and sack:
Their eyes — how they focused! Their blocks- how they stung!
Their hits on Atlanta chimed like bells that were rung!
And the offense was run like a well-tuned machine,
Each sweep and off-tackle, every post route and screen;
Our special teams shone as we knew that they would,
As we stuffed their return-men and our field goals were good!
With their confident faces, and their gaits all a swagger,
They ran up the score as if twisting a dagger.
Harbaugh focused and manic, a right confident elf,
And I laugh'd when I saw him in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He led them to win it, focused straight on his work,
When the game clock ran out he then turn'd with a jerk,
And pumping his fist, a victorious man,
And giving a nod, off the sideline he ran.
He sprung to midfield, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew, like the down of a thistle:
But I heard him exclaim, as they ran out of sight —
Goodbye to the Stick, and to all a good night!

GILLIGAN BELLS! Yes, you can sing the "Gilligan's Island" song to the tune of "Jingle Bells"!

It's that wonderful time of the year... 

time that you can sing one famous song to the tune of another.

Did you know that you can sing the theme song of GILLIGAN'S ISLAND to the tune of a popular winter classic?


Just try and sing this to the tune of JINGLE BELLS: 

Sit back and hear a tale
A tale of fateful trip 
from a tropic port 
Aboard a tiny ship 
The mate a sailor man 
The skipper brave and sure 
Five passengers set sail that day for three hour tour 

Gillligan, skipper too 
Millionaire and wife 
Movie star and all the rest try to make a life 
Castaways stranded there 
For a long long time 
Have to make the best of things, it’s an uphill climb. 

The weather it got rough, 
the tiny ship was tossed. 
If no courageous fearless crew, 
the Minnow would be lost. 

First mate and, Skipper too, will do their very best, 
to make the others comfortable in tropic island nest. 
Phone not there, car not there, not one luxury, 
like Robinson Crusoe was, primitive as can be 

The ship was set aground 
on shore of desert isle, 
Profesor and Mary Ann 
On Gilligan’s Isle. 

Join us here, weekly, friends, sure youll get a smile 
Seven stranded castaways on gilligan’s isle 
Jingle Bells, Gilligan, mixing up the song 
One horse sleigh, tiny ship, you all sing along 

THE CREATION STORY- NUTRITION EDITION

<<Based on an email forwarded by Dr. Terry Honer in March 2001 and originally published in Tom Gill Predicts Vol. 15 No. 47 >>
 
 In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth.
 And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness  was upon the face of the deep.
 And Satan said, It doesn't get any better than this.
 And God said, Let there be light, and there was light.
 And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit, and God saw that it was good.
 And Satan said, There goes the neighborhood.
 And God said, Let us make humanity in our image, after our likeness, and let it have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon 
 the Earth.   And so God created humanity in his own image; male and female God created them.  
 And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.
 And Satan said, I know how I can get back in this game.
 And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and kale, green and yellow vegetables  of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
 And Satan created fast food and brought forth the Dollar Menu double cheeseburger.  
 And Satan said, You want fries with that?  
 And the people said, Supersize them. And Man and Woman gained 5 pounds.
 And God created the healthful yogurt, that Man and Woman might keep their bodies trim and fair.
 And Satan brought forth chocolate. 
 And Man and Woman gained 5 pounds.
 And God said, Try my crispy fresh salad.
 And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry's. 
 And Man and Woman gained another 10 pounds.
 And God said, I have sent thee heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them.
 And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.  And Man and Woman gained 10 pounds and their bad cholesterol went through the roof.
 And God brought forth running shoes and Man and Woman resolved to lose those extra pounds.
 And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man and Woman would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2, between Oprah and Ellen. And Man and Woman gained another 20 pounds.
 And God said, You're running up the score, Devil.
 And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.  
 And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.  
 And Man and Woman clutched their remote controls and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. 
 And Satan saw and said, It is good. And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
 And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
 And Satan created HMOs and the Obamacare web site.

THE COFFEE PRAYER

(Adapted from an item that Originally appeared in TOM GILL PREDICTS Vol. 15 #12, 2000: from an item originally provided by Mark Conder)
****************************************************************


Caffeine is my sheperd; I shall not doze.
It maketh me wake in green pastures.
It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.
It restoreth my buzz.
It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of
The shadow of addiction, I will fear no Equal.
For thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar
They comfort me.
Thou preparest a carafe before me
In the presence of Juan Valdez.
Thou annointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.
Surely richness and taste shall follow me
All the days of my life, and
I will dwell in the House of Starbuck's forever.

HoW To KeEp A HeaLthY LeVel Of iNsAniTy aNd dRiVe OtHeR PeOple iNsAnE!

(Originally from Tom Gill Predicts Volume Fifteen, Number Six, September 17, 2000)
****************************************************************

1.  At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. 

2.  Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice. 

3.  Insist that your e-mail address be: zena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com 

4.  Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. 

5.  Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing. 

6.  Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN". 

7.  Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. 

8.  Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. 

9.  In the memo field of all your checks, write"for sexual favors." 

10. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think." 

11. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way. 

12. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy." 

13. dontuseanypunchtuationorspaces 

14A. As often as possible, skip rather than walk. 

14B. Or, walk backwards instead of forwards. (Editor's note: I used to do this occasionally when in college, just to see what the reactions would be.)

15. Ask people what sex they are. 

16. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." 

17. Sing along at the opera. 

18. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme. 

19. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.) 

20. Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them where you're going.  For example: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom. 

21. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. 

22. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood. 

23. Hum when you ride an elevator. (Editor's note: I am known to do this.)

AnD tHe FiNal wAy tO aNnOy PeOple: 

24. Send this to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to 
you! (Editor's note: TOM GILL PREDICTS needs the publicity.  Thank you.)

Embarrassing Medical Exams

These are apocryphal and have been going around the Internet for many, many years. Thanks to Michael Leach for recirculating them.

1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one. Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco 

2... At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,'. . . Replied the patient. Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA 

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her Reporting to the rest of the family that he had Died of a 'massive internal fart.' Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg 

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one?'. .. . I asked. 'The patch.' 'The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA 

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered, ' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.' Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR 

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,' Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.' Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit 

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a Tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, Which said, 'Sorry . . . Had to mow the lawn.' Submitted by RN no name, AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing, further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .. ' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .. ' No doctor but the song you were whistling was, ' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener .' Dr. Wouldn't submit his name.... 

ONE MORE: Baby's First Doctor Visit- This made me laugh out loud. I hope it will give you a smile! A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. 'Breast-fed,' she replied. 'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.' 'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, But I'm glad I came.'

Administratium

(This memo, or a variant of it, has been going around academic institutions and scientific research labs for decades.  I remember seeing it circulated around the Crocker Nuclear Laboratory at the University of California, Davis twenty years or so or more. I was reminded of this last week when I received it as an email which had obviously been forwarded around multiple institutes.)

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by investigators at a major U.S. research university using a nuclear confusion reactor. The element, tentatively named administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons, surrounded by lower-level particles named peons. 

Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than a second. 

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization. 

Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities. It can usually be found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings. 

Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.

My Old El Paso Home, It Blew Away: latest song parody/adaptation

Originally posted as a "Note" on Facebook on June 13, 2009 : adapted from that material.

PublicFriendsOnly meCustomClose FriendsLimited ProfileSee all lists...USDA-ARSProfessional GeologistCrocker Nuclear Laboratory, University of California- DavisUSDA-ARSTexas Tech UniversityProfessional GeologistAmnesty International USATexas Tech UniversityUSDA-ARSUC DavisUTEP - The University of Texas at El PasoDel Valle High School, Walnut Creek, CAUC DavisEl Paso, Texas AreaUniversity of Texas El PasoFamilyAcquaintancesGo Back

“My Oklahoma Home” was written by Agnes and Bill Cunningham, Dust Bowl refugees, in 1965, and published in Broadside magazine. It has been recorded only a few times and until recently was rather obscure: the song was first recorded by Pete Seeger, but most recently strongly popularized by Bruce Springsteen. A great performance of this song from Springsteen’s “Live in Dublin” DVD can be viewed here:  

 

I developed a new version, having been inspired by my sister Mary Lake and her folk music band in Kansas including it in their concert repertoire. I received the lyrics from her in the mail on June 13, 2009.  In the great folk song tradition I adapted and “modified” the lyrics a bit to include an homage to several additional verses published in Broadside in 1967, to fit El Paso’s setting, culture and climate (for example, the Cimarron River is replaced by the Rio Grande, etc.) and work in references to a number of popular songs set in El Paso (can you find them)?

MY OLD EL PASO HOME 
Original lyrics by Agnes and Bill Cunningham, adapted and El-Paso-Ized by Tom Gill, June 13, 2009. © Thomas E. Gill, all rights reserved.

When I was discharged from Fort Bliss I was young and full of zip 
I wanted to stake me out some land 
And so I made a try for some property to buy 
And I settled down along the Rio Grande 

But It blowed away (blown away), it blowed away (blown away) 
My Old El Paso home got blown away 
Well my shack looked sturdy there, till it flew into midair 
My Old El Paso home, it blowed away 

One evening in late June I went down to the saloon 
to have me a fandango with my gal 
but then there came a gust with its thunder and its dust 
and it blew Rosa's Cantina half to hell 

She blowed away (blown away), she blowed away (blown away) 
My sweet El Paso woman blown away 
She was spinning on the floor til she soared right out the door 
My sweet El Paso woman blown away 

I planted chiles and some beans, got some hens and pecan trees 
Cooked ‘em on a mesquite fire, fed my face 
Got a mule to pull the plow, and some Texas longhorn cows 
And I got a fancy mortgage on the place 

Well it blowed away (blown away), it blowed away (blown away) 
All the crops that I had planted, blown away 
Well you can't grow much on land when it's blasted by the sand 
Everything except my mortgage blown away 

It blowed away my chilies and it blowed away my trees 
The chickens and cattle went astray 
All the crops that I had sowed went a-bouncin’ down the road 
My Old El Paso home it blowed away. 

It blowed away (blown away), it blowed away (blown away) 
Everything I owned, it blowed away 
I hollered and I cussed when my house the wind upthrust 
Yes my Old El Paso home it blowed away 

I was left all high and dry listenin’ closely to the sigh 
Of the breezes ‘round the splinters of my shack 
So I launched on down the road, when the springtime west wind blowed 
I traveled with the wind upon my back 

I blowed away (blown away), I blowed away (blown away) 
Chasin' that dust cloud up ahead 
Once it looked so green and fair, now it's up there in the air 
All my El Paso land is overhead 

I’d be always close to home, wherever I would roam 
For Old El Paso dust is everywhere 
Makes no difference where I'm walkin', I can hear my chickens squawkin' 
I can hear Feleena crying in the air 

It blowed away (blown away), it blowed away (blown away) 
Yeah my Old El Paso home is blown away 
But that home is always near, it's up in the atmosphere 
My Old El Paso home is blown away 

I made me one last stand, came back to that piece of land 
I toiled and I raised a brand new shack 
But April’s cruel west wind, it done blew it out again 
Then the east wind roared around and blew it back. 

It blowed away (blown away), it blowed away (blowed away) 
My old El Paso home got blown away 
a big old supercell blasted it halfway to hell 
‘Til it blew back from where it went, next windy day. 

Yes I planted once ag'in, but Mother Nature did me in 
After I prayed at Cristo Rey and wished for luck 
Flash flood from the monsoon left me shriveled like a prune 
And my stuff was strewn amidst the mud and muck 

Floated away (it flowed away), Floated away (it flowed away) 
Yeah, my Old El Paso home got all rained out 
First it blew into a dune, now it’s underwater too 
My Old El Paso home must be bailed out. 

I'm a roamin’ El Pasoan, but I'm always close to home 
And I'll never get homesick until I die 
Billie Joe and Bobbie Sue said hello as they blew through, 
my Old El Paso home is in the sky 

It blowed away (blown away), it blowed away (blowed away) 
My homestead down along the Rio Grande 
But now all around the world, wherever dust is swirled 
There's some come from my Old El Paso sand 

It blowed away (blown away), it blowed away (blown away) 
Yeah my Old El Paso home is blown away 
Yeah it's up there in the sky, in that dust cloud o’e’r’n' by 
My Old El Paso home is blown away 

Dust cloud spreading over Mt. Cristo Rey, late summer 2008. © Thomas E. Gill, all rights reserved.

 

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HOW TO TELL IF THE FOOD IS SPOILED

Originally published in TOM GILL PREDICTS Volume 15 No. 19, forwarded by Alice Gomez.

FOOD SPOILAGE TABLE

THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

EGGS
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. 

Cottage cheese is spoiled when it  starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but 

spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already.

MAYONNAISE
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.

MEAT
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside 

your house, the meat is spoiled.

LETTUCE
Lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet.

CANNED GOODS
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a basketball should be disposed of. Carefully.

CARROTS
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.

WINE
It should not taste like salad dressing.

POTATOES
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

CHIP DIP
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. 

Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.