BAD ADVERTISEMENTS

(Reprinted from TOM GILL PREDICTS-  Volume Fifteen, Number Forty, February 4, 2001)
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BAD ADS: These were culled from actual newspaper classified advertisements. 

2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234.
Leave mess.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered, like one of the family.

Dinner Special-Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large
drawers.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to
take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

For Sale-Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Great Dames for sale.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in
the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns bread.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots
of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References
required.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

3-year-old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and
smacks included.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll
never go anywhere again.

Are you illiterate? Write today for free help.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross
and salary.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume
general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth
of family.

And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,
unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for
$1.00.

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STRANGE WEIRD THOUGHTS

Back Up My Hard Drive?  How do I Put it in Reverse?

I just got lost in thought.  It was unfamiliar territory.

Everyone has a photographic memory.  Some don't have film.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

I'm always late.  My ancestors arrived on the JuneFlower.

You have the right to remain silent.  Anything you say will be
misquoted, then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.