HOW TO SING THE BLUES

Jeff Lee was sharing amusing stuff online more than a dozen years ago.  

Here we reprint TOM GILL PREDICTS-  Volume 15, no.50, March 31, 2001-

based on an email forwarded by Jeff. 

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 How to Sing the Blues:
     
(attributed originally to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky)
     
      1. Most blues begin: "Woke up this morning."
     
      2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the
         blues, unless you stick something nasty in the
         next line.
             I got a good woman--
             with the meanest dog in town.
     
      3. Blues are simple. After you have the first
         line right, repeat it. Then find something that
         rhymes. Sort of.
            Got a good woman
            with the meanest dog in town.
            He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
            and he weighs 'bout 500 pound.
     
      4. The blues are not about limitless choice.
     
      5. Blues cars are Chevys and Cadillacs. Other
         acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound
         bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a
         major part in the blues lifestyle. So does
         fixin' to die.
     
      6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing
         the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to
         get the electric chair if you shoot a man in
         Memphis.
     
      7. You can have the blues in New York City, but
         not in Brooklyn or Queens.  Hard times in
         Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression.
         Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still
         the best places to have the blues.
     
      8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
              a. violet
              b. beige
              c. mauve
     
      9. You can't have the blues in an office or a
         shopping mall.  The lighting is just wrong.
     
      10. Good places for the Blues:
           a. the highway
           b. the jailhouse
           c. the empty bed
     
          Bad places for the Blues
           a. Ashrams
           b. Gallery openings
           c. weekend in the Hamptons
     
      11.  No one will believe it's the blues if you
           wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old
           black man.
     
      12.  Do you have the right to sing the blues?
     
           Yes, if:
           a. your first name is a southern state--like Georgia
           b. you're blind
           c. you shot a man in Memphis.
           d. you can't be satisfied.
     
           No, if:
           a. you were once blind but now can see.
           b. you're deaf
           c. you have a trust fund.
     
      13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand
          are capable of singing the blues.
     
      14. If you ask for water and baby gives you
          gasoline, it's the blues.  Other blues
          beverages are:
           a. wine
           b. Irish whiskey
           c. muddy water
           d. one bourbon, one scotch and one beer
     
          Blues beverages are NOT:
           a. Any mixed drink
           b. Any wine kosher for Passover
           c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)
     
     15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun
          shack, it's blues death. Stabbed in the back
          by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So
          is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being
          denied treatment in an emergency room.
     
          It is not a blues death if you die during a
          liposuction treatment.
     
      16. Some Blues names for Women
             a. Sadie
             b. Big Mama
             c. Bessie
     
      17. Some Blues Names for Men
           a. Joe
           b. Willie
           c. Little Willie
           d. Lightnin'
          Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia
          will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter
          how many men they shoot in Memphis.
     
      18. Other Blues Names (Mix and Match Starter Kit)
     
          a. Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
          b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
          c. Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)