RECENT HISTORY'S GREATEST ERRORS IN JUDGMENT?

''The Bomb will never go off, I speak as an expert in explosives."

- - Admiral William Leahy , US Atomic Bomb Project

"There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom."

-- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923

"Computers in the future may weigh
no more than 1.5 tons."

-- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949


"I think there is a world market for maybe
five computers."
-- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"I have travelled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
-- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957


"But what is it good for?"
-- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968,
Commenting on the microchip.


"640K ought to be enough for anybody."

-- Bill Gates, 1981

This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.
The device is inherently of no value to us"
-- Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"The wireless music box has no imaginable
commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"

-- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible"

-- A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper"
-- Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in
"Gone With The Wind."


"We don't like their sound, and guitar music
is on the way out"

-- Decca Recording Co. Rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible"
-- Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this"
- - Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy"
-- Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

"Stocks have reached what looks like a
permanently high plateau."
- - Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University , 1929.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value"
-- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre , France .

"Everything that can be invented has been invented"

-- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, US Office of Patents, 1899.

"The super computer is technologically impossible. It would take all of the water that flows over Niagara Falls to cool the heat generated by the number
of vacuum tubes required."
-- Professor of Electrical Engineering, New York University

"I don't know what use any one could find
for a machine that would make copies of documents. It certainly couldn't be a feasible business by itself."
-- the head of IBM, refusing to back the idea, forcing the inventor to found Xerox.

"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon,"
-- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

And last but not least...

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
-- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

READ THIS AND BECOME PARANOID

I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails and social media posts. I am totally messed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS for the one about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo that wallowed in a fetid swamp on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my rear end.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't share/retweet this and forward the link to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:07 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 123 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . .

Oh, and by the way.....
 I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY…

PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS (source unknown)

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
     He acquired his size from too much pi.

2.  I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan Island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3.  She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4.  A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class,
     because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5.  No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll will still be stationery.

6.  A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7.  A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8.  Two silk worms had a race.  They ended up in a tie.

9.  A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.  It is being looked into.

10.  Time flies like the wind.  Fruit flies like a banana.

11.  Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12.  Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.  One hat said to the other:
       'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13.  I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger.  Then it hit me.

14.  A sign on the lawn at a marijuana rehab centre said:  'Keep off the Grass.'

15.  The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16.  A backward poet writes inverse.

17.  In a democracy it's your vote that counts.  In feudalism it's your count that votes.

18.  When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
 
19.  If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

20.  A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.  The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

21.  Two fish swim into a concrete wall.  One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

22.  Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.         Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

23.  Two hydrogen atoms meet.
           One says, 'I've lost my electron.'
           The other says 'Are you sure?'
           The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

24.  Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused anesthetics during a root canal?
           His goal: transcend dental medication.

25.  There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.


I think these needed to be added to the list:


A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in
Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself
to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that
she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened
up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers
from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition
was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they
did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with this diet, he suffered from
bad breath. This made him ..........
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

FIVE-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Lesson 1 : 

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg...

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.   The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.  It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story: 
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 2 : 

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.  The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'   

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk..  'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Poof! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.'  Poof! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.  The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story: 
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 3 

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'  The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' 

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 4 

A turkey was chatting with a bull.  'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'   

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.  It's full of nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: 
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there... 

Lesson 5

A little bird was flying south for the winter.  It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.  A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.   

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story: 
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!     


THUS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE.

THE AGGIE BASKETBALL PLAYER

(Forwarded by Linda Armour)

A student went to Texas A&M on a basketball scholarship. He was a great point guard, but a poor student.

At graduation, he didn't have enough credits. But he was a great basketball star and the students held a rally and demanded the dean give him a diploma anyway. They were so insistent that the dean agreed if Bubba could answer one question correctly he would give him a diploma.

The one question test was held in the auditorium and all the students packed the place. It was standing room only.

The dean was on the stage and told him to come up. The dean had the diploma in his hand and said, "sir, if you can answer this question correctly I'll give you your diploma."

He said he was ready and the dean asked him the question. "Sir," he said, "How much is three times seven?"

He looked up at the ceiling and the down at his shoes, just pondering the question. The Texas A&M students began chanting, "Graduate him anyway! Graduate him anyway!"

Then he held up his hand and the auditorium became silent. he said, "I think I know the answer. Three times seven is twenty-one."

A hush fell over the auditorium and the A&M students began another chant. "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"

YOU MIGHT BE A PHYSICIST IF...

This week we go back to TOM GILL PREDICTS-  Volume 15, Number 15- for an item adapted

from an email forwarded by Tracy! Gore, who got it from Noodles Kilchoer.
****************************************************************
 You Might Be A Physicist If...
 
 1. If you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
 
 2. If you chuckle whenever anyone says, "centrifugal force."
 
 3. If you've actually used every single function in Matlab.

 3a. If you know what Matlab is.

 4. If you'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.
 
 5. If it is sunny and 72 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.
 
 6. If when your professor/boss asks you where your homework/report is, you claim 

 to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to
 Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.
 
 7. If you frequently whistle the theme song to "The Big Bang Theory."
 
 8. If you always do homework or work on Friday nights.
 
 9. If you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
 
 10. If you have no life - and you can prove it mathematically.
 
 11. If you've calculated that the World Series actually diverges.
 
 12. If you hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break
 down its wave function.
 
 13. If you have a pet named after a scientist.
 
 14. If you can't remember what's behind the door in the science building 
 which says "Exit."
 
 15. If you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer,
 because there's a wind-chill factor in the lab.
 
 16. If you avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to
 the eventual heat-death of the universe.
 
 17. If you considered any non-science class in college "easy."
 
 18. If you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
 
 19. If the Humane Society has you arrested because you actually performed
 the Schrodinger's Cat experiment.
 
 20. If you can translate English into Binary.
 
 21. If the "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.
 
 22. If you understood more than five of these indicators.
 
 23. If you print out this page, and post it on your door.

WHAT'S YOUR STAR WARS NAME?

This week, in honour of Star Wars Day tomorrow, we go back to TOM GILL PREDICTS

-  Volume Fifteen, Number Four from September 2000, to an item forwarded to me by

many persons including Sarah Milburn. 
****************************************************************


Too much time on your hands????  Here's your chance to figure
out your Star Wars name.  If you feel like it, you can add your
new name to the bottom of the list, then pass it on.

How to determine your Star Wars name:

For your new first name:
 1.  Take the first 3 letters of your first name;
 2.  add the first 2 letters of your last name.

For your new last name:
 3.  Then take the first 2 letters of your Mom's maiden name;
 4.  add the first 3 letters of the city you were born.

How to determine your Star Wars honorific name and title:

 1: Take the last three letters of your last name; reverse them.
 2: add the name of the first car you drove/owned;
 3: insert the word "of";
 4: tack on the name of the last medication you took.

Add your name to the bottom of the list and pass it on......

Yours Truly,
Thogi Vilaf, Lliford of Lipitor
Dengi Osnew, Trehudson of Zyrtec
.... (MANY names omitted here for sanity's sake) ...
Walon Hochi, Ranskylark of Beer
Ziaka Pomad, Miromega of Suphedrine
Jamco Guaur, Xoctalon of Alka Seltzer
Mikha Maosh, Noscelica of Tums
Grepa Frrac, Ittmonza of Cortaid

**************************

IT STARTS WITH A STRAY CAT

This week be bring you back to TOM GILL PREDICTS-  Volume Fifteen, Number Twenty-Two
October 29, 2000, and an item originally forwarded by Alice Gomez.
*****************************************************************************

Stray cats will not be fed.

Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat
food moistened with a little milk.

Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat
food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and
leftover fish scraps.

Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked
up and cuddled unnecessarily.

Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and
cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.

Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed
inside the house at any time.

Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to
jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.

Stray cats will be permitted on furniture but must
sharpen claws on new $114.99 sisal rope scratching
post with three perches.

Stray cats will sleep outside.

Stray cats will sleep in the garage.

Stray cats will sleep in the house, but not in my bed.

Stray cats will sleep in our bed, but not under the covers.

Stray cats will not play on the desk.

Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer.

Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer
keyboard on the desk when the human is using it.

Stray cats will not CJDJBEFUBEDBVKJB KNCX ZXMNLJN! 

BEWARE OF GREEKS BEARING GIFTS

This week we reprint a classic from TOM GILL PREDICTS-  Volume 15, No. 49, from March 2001.

It is based by an email chain letter that was going around the Internet 13 years ago.
************************************************************************************************
Imagine if the ancient world had email... and set yourself in ancient Troy, in what turned out to
be the final days of the Trojan War.   And imagine that you had been copied in to these emails.


=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
 FROM: laocoon@doomgloom.edu <mailto:laocoon@doomgloom.edu>
TO: hector@studmuffin.com <mailto:hector@studmuffin.com>



 Hey Hector,

This was forwarded to me by Cassandra--it looks legit. Please
distribute to Priam, Hecuba, and your 99 siblings.

Thanks,
Laocoon

=========================================
WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!

IF YOU RECEIVE A GIFT IN THE SHAPE OF A LARGE WOODEN HORSE DO NOT
ACCEPT IT!!!! It is EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE and will destroy  your ENTIRE CITY!

The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories
tall. It tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to be abandoned.

DO NOT let it through the gates! It contains hardware that is incompatible with Trojan
programming, including a crowd of heavily armed Greek warriors that will destroy your army,
sack your town, and kill your women and children. If you have already received such a gift,
DO NOT OPEN IT! Take it back out of the city unopened and set fire to it by the beach.

FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!

from Poseidon

 =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

FROM: hector@studmuffin.com <mailto:hector@studmuffin.com>
TO: laocoon@doomgloom.edu <mailto:laocoon@doomgloom.edu>
RE: Greeks bearing gifts

 Laocoon,

I hate to break to you, but this is one of the oldest hoaxes there is. I've seen variants on this
warning come through on other listservs, one involving some kind of fruit that was supposed
to kill the people who ate it and one having to do with something called the "Midas Touch."

Here are a few tipoffs that this is a hoax:

1) This "Forward this message to everyone you know" crap. If it were really meant as a warning
about the Greek army, why tell anyone to post it to the Phonecians, Sumerians, and Cretans?

2) Use of exclamation points. Always a giveaway.

3) It's signed "from Poseidon." Granted he's had his problems with Odysseus but he's one of
their guys, isn't he? Besides, the lack of a real header with a detailed address makes me suspicious.

4) Technically speaking, there is no way for one horse to destroy your entire city. A horse is just an
animal, after all.

Next time you get a message like this, just delete it. I appreciate your concern, but once you've
been around the block a couple times you'll realize how annoying this kind of stuff is.

Bye now,

Hector

THE FOREIGNER'S TRAVEL GUIDE TO TEXAS

This week, we revisit TOM GILL PREDICTS Volume 15, No. 54 from early 2001, and an

item originally forwarded by Jeff Lee- The Foreigner's Travel Guide to Texas.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Those of you who are not from the Lone Star State might find the following advice helpful:

Don't expect to find sushi or pasta primavera at the local restaurant. It's
a cafe. They serve burgers and chicken fried steak. Let them cook something
they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

Don't laugh at names like Lee Roy, Billy Bob, Billy Joe, Billy Ray, Tammy
Sue, Bubba or Sissy or you'll get your ass kicked.

Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. In Texas it's called a coke (or,
in some places, a coldrink- that's with one syllable, mind you.)  Nobody gives
a darn whether it's Pepsi, Mountain Dew, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever, we call it a 
coke or coldrink. Accept it or you're in for an ass kicking.

We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (read some J.
Frank Dobie). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer than
you. Don't refer to us as hay seeds, goat ropers or hicks or you'll get your
ass kicked.  And WHATEVER you do, NEVER call us an "Okie."

We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Howard Hughes, H. Ross Perot,
Southwest Airlines, Dell Computers). Naturally, sometimes we have small
lapses in judgment (e.g., Phil Gramm). Certainly, we are not stupid enough
to let someone move to our state just so they can run for the United States
Senate. If anyone tried to do that here, they would get their ass kicked.

Don't laugh at our war monuments. If Lee had listened to General Hood you'd
be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. When you visit the Alamo,
take your hat off and be properly humbled or we'll kick your ass.

We are fully aware of how hot it gets and high the humidity is, so shut up
about it. If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen, or we'll kick
your ass.

Do not attempt to eat tamales without first removing the cornhusk casing.
Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee and think you're stupid. DO
NOT, under any circumstances, ever say the chili is too hot or your steak
is too rare. Such talk will generate a serious ass kicking.

Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know they are
not. We've been to your hellholes like Detroit, Chicago, New York and Hollywood,
and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready
when you are. Haul your happy ass back home before it gets kicked back.

Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We say things like "ain't," "fixin'
to" and "ya'll" so we won't sound like you. We don't care if you understand
us or not. We Texans understand each other and that's all that matters.
Leave us be or we'll kick your ass.

Don't complain that certain parts of this state "smell" like oil. Oil is
Texas Gold and besides, if your livelihood depended on those wells you'd
love the aroma like we do.  None of our lakes or rivers have caught fire
lately so don't you dare whine about our scenic beauty or you'll get your
ass kicked.

Don't ridicule our Texas manners. We say grace, sir and ma'am and we hold
the door for our women and old folks. Such things are expected here. Behave
yourselves around our sweet little old grandmothers cause they can kick some
ass too.

Don't think we're simpletons or losers because many of us live in small
towns. We do this because we have enough sense to not live in crime infested
cesspools like Washington D.C. Make fun of our small towns and the whole
town will kick your ass.

DON'T YOU DARE tell us how to cook barbecue. That will get your ass shot.
Criticize the barbecue and you'll go home in a pine box-minus your ass.

Remember, the only reason you are lucky enough to be here in the first place
is because we have not yet moved the Border Patrol to the Red River where it
really belongs, to keep your ass out.

CLASSIFIED ADS

This week we revisit TOM GILL PREDICTS-  Volume Fifteen, Number Twenty-Eight from December 3, 2000.
****************************************************************
These items were supposedly taken from actual classified ads in newspapers in the 1990s.  Forwarded originally by Kathy Bachman.
  
    
    FREE PUPPIES:
    
    1/2 COCKER SPANIEL -
    
    1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
    
    _____________________
    
    FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER
    
    8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG
    
    _____________________
    
    FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD -
    
    PART STUPID DOG
    
    _____________________
    
    GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 LBS.
    
    NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
    
    _____________________
    
    FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.
    
    LOOKS LIKE A RAT...
    
    BEEN OUT AWHILE...
    
    _____________________
    
    1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -
    
    $850/offer
    
    _____________________
    
    AMANA WASHER $100
    
    OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR
    
    WHO SELDOM WASHED.
    
    _____________________
    
    SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...
    
    ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
    
    _____________________
    
    2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES:
    
    1 5-FINGER, 1-3-FINGER, PAIR: $15
    
    _____________________
    
    COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED...
    
    ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
    
    _____________________
    
    NORDIC TRACK $300
    
    HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBIE
    
    _____________________
    
    SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA -
    
    FREE CHOPSTICKS
    
    _____________________
    
    HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER
    
    "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
_________________________________
    
    GET A LITTLE JOHN:
    
    THE TRAVELING URINAL THAT
    
    HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER.
    
    _____________________
    
    HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
    
    _____________________
    
    GEORGIA PEACHES
    
    CALIFORNIA GROWN -
    
    89 cents lb.
    
    _____________________
    
    NICE PARACHUTE:
    
    NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE
    
    SLIGHTLY STAINED
    
    _____________________
    
    FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.
    
    _____________________
    
    AMERICAN FLAG
    
    60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED
    
    $100
    
    _____________________
    
    TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR?
    
    WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS.
    
    STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
    
    _____________________
    
    EXERCISE EQUIPMENT:
    
    QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS - $175
    
    _____________________
    
    OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB
    
    AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
    
    _____________________
    
    JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
    
    MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300
    _____________________
    
    LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.
    
    _____________________
    
    ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES
    
    FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.
    
    _____________________
    
    GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.
    
    _____________________
    
    OPEN HOUSE
    
    BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
    
    FREE COFFEE & DONUTS.
    
    _____________________
    
    FOR SALE BY OWNER
    
    Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45  volumes.
    
    Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer.
    
    No longer needed.
    
    Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

SWEATSHOP SHOES: Truth In Advertising?

We bring you back to TOM GILL PREDICTS-  Volume Fifteen, Number Forty-Five- from 2001,

and an item that was forwarded to me by email by "too many persons to mention." 

****************************************************************

A timely reminder of the limits of consumerism, for your reading
pleasure.  This has been confirmed to be true.

Nike let you personalize your shoes by submitting a word or
phrase which they will stitch onto your shoes, under the swoosh. So
Jonah Peretti filled out the form and sent them $50 to stitch
"SWEATSHOP" on to his shoes.

Here's the response he got...

 * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
From: "Personalize, NIKE iD" nikeid_personalize@nike.com
To: "'Jonah H. Peretti'" peretti@media.mit.edu
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Your NIKE iD order was cancelled for one or more of the following
reasons:

1) Your Personal iD contains another party's trademark or other
intellectual property

2) Your Personal iD contains the name of an athlete or team we do
   not have the legal right to use

3) Your Personal iD was left blank. Did you not want any
personalization?

4) Your Personal iD contains profanity or inappropriate slang, and
   besides, your mother would slap us.

If you wish to reorder your NIKE iD product with a new
personalization please visit us again at www.nike.com

Thank you, NIKE iD


From: "Jonah H. Peretti" peretti@media.mit.edu
To: "Personalize, NIKE iD" nikeid_personalize@nike.com
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Greetings,

My order was canceled but my personal NIKE iD does not violate any
of the criteria outlined in your message. The Personal iD on my
custom ZOOM XC USA running shoes was the word "sweatshop."

Sweatshop is not:

1) another's party's trademark,

2) the name of an athlete,

3) blank, or

4) profanity.

I choose the iD because I wanted to remember the toil and labor of
the children that made my shoes. Could you please ship them to me
immediately.

Thanks and Happy New Year, Jonah Peretti

From: "Personalize, NIKE iD" nikeid_personalize@nike.com
To: "'Jonah H. Peretti'" peretti@media.mit.edu
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Dear NIKE iD Customer,

Your NIKE iD order was cancelled because the iD you have chosen
contains, as stated in the previous e-mail correspondence,
"inappropriate slang". If you wish to reorder your NIKE iD product
with a new personalization please visit us again at nike.com

Thank you, NIKE iD


From: "Jonah H. Peretti" peretti@media.mit.edu
To: "Personalize, NIKE iD" nikeid_personalize@nike.com
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Dear NIKE iD,

Thank you for your quick response to my inquiry about my custom ZOOM
XC USA running shoes. Although I commend you for your prompt
customer service, I disagree with the claim that my personal iD was
inappropriate slang. After consulting Webster's Dictionary, I
discovered that "sweatshop" is in fact part of standard English, and
not slang. The word means: "a shop or factory in which workers are
employed for long hours at low wages and under unhealthy conditions"
and its origin dates from 1892. So my personal iD does meet the
criteria detailed in your first email.

Your web site advertises that the NIKE iD program is "about freedom
to choose and freedom to express who you are." I share Nike's love
of freedom and personal expression. The site also says that "If you
want it done right...build it yourself." I was thrilled to be able
to build my own shoes, and my personal iD was offered as a small
token of appreciation for the sweatshop workers poised to help me
realize my vision. I hope that you will value my freedom of
expression and reconsider your decision to reject my order.

Thank you, Jonah Peretti


From: "Personalize, NIKE iD" nikeid_personalize@nike.com
To: "'Jonah H. Peretti'" peretti@media.mit.edu
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Dear NIKE iD Customer,

Regarding the rules for personalization it also states on the NIKE
iD web site that "Nike reserves the right to cancel any personal iD
up to 24 hours after it has been submitted". In addition, it
further explains: "While we honor most personal iDs, we cannot
honor every one.

Some may be (or contain) other's trademarks, or the names of certain
professional sports teams, athletes or celebrities that Nike does
not have the right to use. Others may contain material that we
consider inappropriate or simply do not want to place on our
products.

Unfortunately, at times this obliges us to decline personal iDs that
may otherwise seem unobjectionable. In any event, we will let you
know if we decline your personal iD, and we will offer you the
chance to submit another." With these rules in mind, we cannot
accept your order as submitted. If you wish to reorder your NIKE iD
product with a new personalization please visit us again at
www.nike.com

Thank you, NIKE iD


From: "Jonah H. Peretti" peretti@media.mit.edu
To: "Personalize, NIKE iD" nikeid_personalize@nike.com
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Dear NIKE iD,
Thank you for the time and energy you have spent on my request. I
have decided to order the shoes with a different iD, but I would
like to make one small request. Could you please send me a color
snapshot of the ten-year-old Vietnamese girl who makes my shoes?

Thanks,
Jonah Peretti

THE MICROSOFT HOME OF THE FUTURE

More than thirteen years ago, in December 2000, TOM GILL PREDICTS (Volume 15, No. 29) wrote a story about an actual "Microsoft Home Of The Future."   Yes, one could argue that it was a spectacular prediction of what we now call "The Internet of Everything," but I'd say not much has changed, especially with Microsoft.
________________________________________________________________________________

 Top 10 Problems With the Microsoft Home of the Future (December 2000)
 
 Tucked away in New York's trendy Tribeca neighborhood, there's a 

 spectacular piece of PR called the "Microsoft Home of the Future."
 We're intrigued by the concept, but we imagine living in an
 all-Microsoft dwelling place might have its drawbacks, including
 the following:
 
  1. Unfriendly: Doormat says "Start" instead of "Welcome."
  2. Infectious Outlook: Everyone in your family keeps contracting
     nasty viruses. Oddly, the neighbors in the Linux house and the

     Mac house never seem to get sick.
  3. Burglar Magnet: Your home's architecture is riddled with
     hidden holes, back doors, and other security flaws.
  4. Overpriced: Whenever you visit a foreign country such as
     Russia or China, you see houses that look exactly like yours
     but find out people bought them on the black market for a
     fraction of what you paid.
  5. No doors, only Windows. 

     (Editor's note from 2014: and the Vista isn't too good either.)
  6. Network Neighborhood: You can't share your home with anyone
     else. Every member of your family must buy his or her own
     house and then connect it with yours.
  7. Dirty Dishes: Microsoft doesn't offer drivers for your new
     dishwasher.
  8. Fine Print: You must register your home with Microsoft within
     30 days of purchase, or else the house will lock you out and
     void your warranty.
  9. Slow and Unsteady: It takes forever to back up the drive, and
     then you crash.
 10. Mice everywhere. 

     (Editor's note from 2014: OK, maybe that has changed. Perhaps we would

      say there are no remote controls, you have to touch everything to start it?)

POLITICAL SPIN

(Forwarded from Barbara Reeves, variants of this, involving both Democratic and Republican Senators have been going around the Internet for a long time!)

No matter what side of the political aisle you're on, this is funny.

A professional genealogy researcher was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that a prominent Senator (let's call him Senator XXXX)'s great-great uncle Remus was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana, in 1889. Both the genealogist and the Senator share this common ancestor.

 
The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana Territory: 

 

On the back of the picture that Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus XXXX, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885; escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.' 

 
So Judy recently e-mailed Senator XXXX for information about their great-great uncle.
 
Believe it or not, the Senator's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:
 
"Remus XXX was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable livestock assets and a close association with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889,Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

Now THAT's how its done, folks! That's real Political Spin!

 

IDIOTS

This was originally published in March 2001 in TOM GILL PREDICTS Volume 15 No. 48, from an item originally forwarded 

by Theresa Castor. It still resonates today!

_____________________________________________________________________________________ 

 IDIOTS IN SERVICE:
This week, all our office phones went dead and I had to contact
the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00
a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time
window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call
you before we come?" I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to
do that, since our phones weren't working.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: OK, this was before mobile phones were as ubiquitous.]

 
IDIOTS AT WORK:
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk
noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card.
She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the
card was signed.  When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary
to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the
credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to
the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they
matched.

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the
local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer
Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and
he didn't want them to cross there anymore.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the
person behind the counter for "only a little lettuce." He said he was sorry,
but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTING #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"
To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

IDIOT SIGHTING #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I
was crossing with an intellectectually-challenged coworker of mine when
she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals
blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on
earth are blind people doing driving?!"

IDIOT SIGHTING #3:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker who was leaving the
company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is
fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just
looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

IDIOT SIGHTING #4:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself
and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn
on.

IDIOT SIGHTING #5:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our
car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service
department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the
driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried
the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to
the technician, "It's open!"  To which he replied, "I know - I already got
that side."

NOW DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER?