PONDERISMS

* If you attempt to rob a bank you won't have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years, whether or not you are successful.

 

* Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

 

* What if my dog only brings back my ball because he thinks I like throwing it?

 

* If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

 

* Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

 

* Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?

 

* Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and it just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

 

* Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.

 

* The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims".

 

* Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win.

 

* 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

 

* Your future self is watching you right now through memories.

 

* If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.

 

* Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.

 

* If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.

 

* If 2/2/2222 falls on a Tuesday, we'll just call it "2's Day".

 

 

 

MY FAVORITE ANIMAL

The teacher asked me what my favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.”
She said that wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else laughed.  My parents told me to always tell the truth.  I did.  I love fried chicken.  I told my mother what happened, and she said my teacher probably really loved animals too.  I love animals, especially chicken, pork, and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office.  I told him what happened, and he laughed too.  Then, he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class, my teacher asked me what my favorite LIVE animal was.   I told her it was the chicken.  She asked me why, so I told her it was you could kill it, pluck off its feathers, and fry it…   She sent me back to the principal’s office.  He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don’t understand.  My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher punishes me when I am.  Today, my teacher asked what famous person I admired most.

I told her, “Colonel Sanders.”
Guess where I am now?

AMAZING SEA STORY

(From an email chain letter: Origin unknown.)

Let's see what  day is it? What month is it? What season is it? What year is it? What century is it?  Where am I?  No, it's not dementia, it just depends where on the ship you happened to be.   Interesting little story.

   

 
The passenger  steamer SS Warrimoo was quietly knifing its way through the waters of the  mid-Pacific on its way from Vancouver to Australia. The navigator had just  finished working out a star fix and brought the master, Captain John Phillips,  the result. The Warrimoo's position was LAT 0º 31' N and LON 179 30' W.   The date was 31 December 1899. 

"Know what this  means?" First Mate Payton broke in, "We're only a few miles from the  intersection of the Equator and the International Date Line!"

Captain Phillips  was prankish enough to take full advantage of the opportunity for achieving  the navigational freak of a lifetime.  He called his navigators to the  bridge to check & double check the ships position.  He changed course  slightly so as to bear directly on his mark.  Then he adjusted the engine  speed. The calm weather & clear night worked in his favor.  

At mid-night the  SS Warrimoo lay on the Equator at exactly the point where it crossed the  International Date Line! The consequences of this bizarre position were many:  

The bow of the  ship was in the Southern Hemisphere & in the middle of summer.  

The stern was in  the Northern Hemisphere & in the middle of winter.  

The date in the  aft part of the ship was 31 December 1899.  

In the bow  (forward) part it was 1 January 1900. 

This ship was  therefore not only in two different days, two different months, two different  years, and two different seasons, but it was also in two different centuries -  all at the same time.

 

SOLAR ECLIPSE PLAYLIST

Here are my song choices for a playlist for the total eclipse of the sun that will cross the USA from coast to coast tomorrow.

OK, the obvious:

And to follow that, a dramatic and unusually effective cover in Spanish.  Most English language pop hits do not translate very well into Spanish, but this one did, and Lissette (a Cuban/Puerto Rican American) pop star really captured the emotion as least as well if not better than Bonnie Tyler's original interpretation of the Jim Steinman song:

My favourite singer-songwriter overall is Al Stewart: his song "Timeless Skies" nearly ends with the lyrics, "the sun has the moon in his eyes":

These two hits from 1971 are obvious:

 You may have forgotten this rocker from 1985 from the album "Empire Burlesque," but I personally think it is one of Bob Dylan's best:

Let's not forget this one:

And in a different style altogether:

One of Texas's greatest songwriters is the legendary Rodney Crowell.  He wrote this tune, which was made into a big hit by Bob Seger:

It goes without saying that these should be included:

A radio station in Nebraska is going to be playing Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" at the right moment so that the concluding song "Eclipse" comes on at the exact moment of totality, which ends with the words "the sun is eclipsed by the moon."

Please, don't be doing this other than at moments of full totality, or with the proper eye protection:

or this could happen to you:

PUN-ishment

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. 

The bartender looks at them and says, "What is this, some kind of a joke...?

Rudolf: "Look, Tasha, is raining across the square on the Kremlin."

Natasha: "No, Rudolf, silly Comrade. That's not rain, it's snow!"

Rudolf: "Is Rain, Tasha."

Natasha: "Is Snow, Comrade!!!"

Rudolf: "Listen; Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."

There was a pelican who could flip shot glasses full of whiskey with

his beak for a free drink. One night he walks into a new bar. He asks

the bartender for a shot of whiskey and the bartender says "Oh Yeah?

How you gonna pay for it?" The pelican said, "Just put it on my bill."

A mechanic once owned a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating

all the grass in the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace

inside. The grass eventually became overgrown. One day the mechanic was

working on a car in his backyard and dropped his wrench losing it in

the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him so he decided

to call it a day. That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all

the grass in the backyard. The next morning, the mechanic went outside

and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had

happened, he looked up to the heavens and proclaimed... "A grazing

Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me!"

TEXAS STORY #2

A Texan rancher goes Down Under, meets an Aussie colleague 'n' they talk. 

The Aussie boasts of the size of his station: the Texan sez, "We got ranches bigger'n'that." 

They ride around a little: the Aussie shows off his cattle. The Texan says, "Our longhorns are twice that size". 

The conversation dies down until a mob of kangaroos hops thru the field.  The Texan asks, "what the heck are those?" ... the Aussie replies, "Damn grasshoppers..."

TEXAS STORY #1

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to the ranch owner. He told the old rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look, mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand, old man?!"

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. A few minutes later the rancher heard loud screams. He looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by a big Santa Gertrudis bull! With every step, the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......

"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"

SAYINGS OF THE OLD PHILOSOPHER

♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year.  I don't want to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

 

♦ Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

 

♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

 

♦ A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.

 

♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

 

♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

 

♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

 

♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

 

♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

 

♦ Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

 

♦ You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

 

♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

 

♦ My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

 

♦ My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.

 

♦The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

 

♦ Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

 

♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T. Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.